The Moment I Knew
by poweroverbirds
Summary: When Cora Wilson agreed to go find a dead body with her best friends one fateful summer, she had no idea the devastation that would follow
1. Chapter 1

**note** **: I started posting this story a while ago (maybe a year, maybe more) and then deleted it because my heart wasn't in it, along with a bunch of other reasons, so if it seems familiar, that's why. but the story is 100% complete, and it's going to be posted in its entirety.** **please review and let me know how you're liking it, or why you're not liking it. feedback is appreciated.**

 **disclaimer** **: I don't own anything or anyone except for Cordelia, her family, and the miscellaneous original characters that are bound to pop up. also, sorry for any errors, I do my best to catch them**

* * *

 _I'm tugging at my hair  
_ _I'm pulling at my clothes  
_ _I'm trying to keep my cool  
_ _I know it shows.  
_ _-Avril Lavigne, Things I'll Never Say_

I didn't realize it at the time, but my friendship with Gordie Lachance would end in disaster. It didn't happen immediately – it took a couple years, but it became a disaster nonetheless.

I met Gordie when we were in early grade school. He came from a good family, so my parents never had a problem with him. It was during the following years, when we became friends with Vern Tessio, Teddy Duchamp, and Chris Chambers that they started getting worried.

To my parents, anyone not from the View was to be held out at arm's length until they could judge them for themselves. And they hated my friends. They thought Vern was stupid; they thought Teddy was rude and crazy; they thought Chris was just a bad influence.

No matter what I tried to tell mom, no matter what I did, she refused to listen. She said she knew better than I did, which is fair for a lot, but she didn't know them. She didn't know me, and there was nothing I could do to get through to her. It wasn't fair, so I just tried to stay quiet.

There was always tension in the house, sometimes so thick it made it hard to breathe. I learned early to say I was just going outside than tell them I was going to meet them.

The summer before I turned thirteen was rough. Mom wanted me in the house the majority of the time, so I was excited for her and dad to leave me alone for the weekend so they could attend a wedding in Washington. It was a hot summer, and I wanted nothing more than to go outside and just get away from the house, but she wouldn't hear it. I could only go out while she was gone, mostly because she didn't know I was leaving. I hated disobeying her, but there's only so much I can take.

That Friday, I managed to sneak out while mom was in town, getting last minute work done on her dress for the weekend. I found Chris and Teddy at the treehouse and settled myself in for forty minutes of freedom before I had to head back.

The first time Gordie allowed me to come to the treehouse, Teddy almost lost his mind. He started shouting about how there were no girls allowed, and Chris finally had to tell him to knock it off. After that, Teddy tolerated me being here.

I readjust my position on the bench. It's so hot up here. My dress is sticking to the back of my legs, and I can feel the sweat building at my temples. It's too hot outside to be in here.

"Want in?" Chris asks, I glance up from my magazine, one of the many hidden here so mom won't find them, and see him stopped, mid-shuffle. I try not to smile, which is hard when I'm around Chris. There's something about him that makes me happy.

"I'm good," I tell him. "Just kick Teddy's ass for me."

"Hey!" Teddy shouts. Chris laughs. My stomach flips. I like it when he laughs. He rarely does it anymore. He's getting almost as bad as Gordie.

I understand that Chris' family, as well as Teddy's and Vern's all have reputations, but I never understood why it let people consider _them_ bad.

"Cora, I swear to god-"

"Shut up Teddy," I tell him, cutting him off. He starts to mumble angrily under his breath, but I let it slide. I know he's not mad. Teddy couldn't be mad at me if he wanted.

I glance over at Chris again before returning to my magazine, and I struggle not to look up again.

A few minutes later, Gordie climbs up. I wave, but don't glance up from the article I'm reading about Jack the Ripper.

"How do you know a Frenchman's been in your backyard?" Chris asks.

"Hey, I'm French okay?" Teddy says.

"Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant." He and Gordie start to laugh and I can't help but snort. What a stupid joke.

Teddy elbows at my leg. I reach out and kick his shoulder.

"I knock," Chris tells them. "Twenty-nine."

"Twenty-two," Teddy says as he lays down his cards.

Gordie slams his down on the make-shift table. "Piss up a rope!" he says as he sits up on bench next to me. I move over a bit to give him room, and he picks up the magazine he brought.

"Gordie's out! Gordie just bit the bag and stepped out the door!"

"Come on man, deal!"

Teddy takes the cards from the table and I watch him shuffle. Even though Vern isn't here yet (where is he anyway?) I'm glad I snuck out to be here, even if it's only for a little while. The treehouse feels like the one place I can be loud, and annoying, and ask questions without anyone getting mad.

"The pile of shit has a thousand eyes!" Teddy shouts. There's more, but I'm trying to connect the two conversations, and I have no idea where that came from. He's such a weird kid.

There's a knock on the trapdoor and I sit up quickly. It's not the usual knock, and I feel my heart start to pound. If it's mom-

"That's not the secret knock!" Gordie calls.

"I forget the secret knock, let me in!" Vern yells. I relax. How long have I been here? I should probably get home soon.

Vern climbs up the ladder, looking much more excited than he usually does. "You guys are not gonna believe this! This is so boss. Oh man, wait'll you hear this, wait'll you hear this-"

"Shut up and tell us then!" I demand. I hate being kept in the dark like this.

"Let me catch my breath. I ran all the way from my house."

The boys start mocking him, but I'm surprised. It's almost a hundred degrees outside…and Vern never runs anywhere. What on earth is so important to run across Castle Rock for?

"Screw you guys, forget it!"

"What is it?" Chris asks in his calm manner, and Vern sits up straighter.

"Can you guys camp out tonight? I mean if you tell your folks we're gonna tent out in my backfield?"

"Yeah," Teddy says quickly.

"I think so," Chris adds. "My dad's kind of on a mean streak; you know, he's been drinking a lot lately."

I glance over at him when he speaks. His eyes flicker over to mine before returning to the cards in his hand. I know he doesn't like to talk about it, but sometimes I feel like I have to.

"Can you Cora? Gordie?"

"My parents are going out of town tonight, so I can do whatever I want until Sunday." I tell them.

"Probably," Gordie says.

I'm already losing interest. If whatever Vern has to say was so important, why do we have to wait until tonight to hear it?

"I knock," Chris says.

"What? You liar, you ain't got no pat-hand. You didn't deal yourself no pat-hand!"

"Make your draw, shitheap."

I'm leaning back to continue the article when Vern asks quietly, "You guys want to see a dead body?"

All four of us look up at him and freeze in perfect sync. Obviously happy he's gotten our attention, Vern starts. "I was under the porch, digging, you know?"

He didn't have to say anything more. Of course he was looking for his pennies. It had been nine months since he lost them. We knew it was a lost cause, but no one wanted to break the news to Vern himself.

He continues to tell us about the conversation he overheard between his brother Billy and fellow Cobra Charlie about how they had found the body of missing kid Ray Brower. We all knew the story. It was all anyone could talk about. Three days ago he left home to pick blueberries, and he hadn't returned. No one could find him.

"Jesus Christ, man," Chris starts. "If they'd known you were under the porch, they would have killed you."

"Could he have gotten from Chamberlain to Harlow?" I ask, leaning forward on the bench. "It's a long way."

"Sure," Chris says with a shrug. "He must have started walking on the tracks and just followed them the whole way."

"Yeah," Teddy agrees quickly. "Yeah, right. And then after dark the train must have come along and-" he rams his fist into the palm of his other hand "-el smacko!"

"Shut up, Teddy," I manage to force out. The very idea brings thoughts and images to my mind that is better off kept down. The thoughts started a year ago and won't seem to go away, so it's easy to push them to the bottom of my mind.

I shake my head and focus on what Gordie's saying. "We'll tell our folks we're tenting out in your backfield. You tell your folks you're sleeping over Teddy's. Then we'll say we're going out to the drag races the next day. We're rock solid until dinner tomorrow night." He turns to me. "You won't have to tell your parents anything since they'll be out of town anyway."

I pause. Who said anything about me going? Why on earth do they think I'll want to do this?

"Let's do it! What do you say?"

"Alright!" Teddy says quickly, and it's not a surprise.

"Gordie?"

"Sure."

"Cora?"

"I don't know." I tell him honestly. "If my parents find out-"

"You said it yourself; you don't have to worry about them until Sunday!" Teddy says, turning around him his seat to glare at me. I'm obviously ruining their weekend adventure.

I glance at Chris. He's watching me closely, and it's because of that I agree. And once Vern agrees, we leave the treehouse and agree to meet on the edge of town at noon or, in my case, as soon as my parents leave.

And I'm close to wishing that I hadn't come at all.

* * *

 **the first few chapters will be movie-verse with a dash of original content. hang around, it'll get more original soon**


	2. Chapter 2

**a bit of original content and a bit of movie-verse; good times**

* * *

 _I'm alright  
_ _And you can't change me  
_ _Cause we lost it all  
_ _Nothing lasts forever  
_ _I'm sorry  
_ _-Simple Plan, Perfect_

At the corner I usually leave the guys at, Chris continues with me towards the View. I look over at him briefly. Just last year he's started walking me home, and he does it just randomly enough that I never know for sure when he's going to do it.

"Mom and dad are probably still home," I tell him when we get closer. "They said they were leaving around noon, so I might be late."

"It's fine," he says. "We'll wait."

"Really?"

"You said you were coming, right?"

"I'm surprised you guys asked me," I confess. I stop and he stops a step in front of me and turns around. "I figured you wouldn't."

"You're dumb," he tells me with a smile, and I can't help but smile back. "I didn't think of not inviting you."

"You're dumb," I say. I start walking again, and bump his arm with mine as I pass him. We walk in silence until we get to the hill up to the View. He doesn't go any further. He never does. I don't think he's ever entered the View, and I'd never make him. It would be too weird for us both.

I turn, and there's something on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but I don't know what it is. I just feel the urge to say something, but nothing comes out. So instead I tell him I'll see him later and make my way back home alone.

I see the car in the driveway when I get close, and I groan. The thoughts pop up, and I push them down again. Twice in one day; that can't be good.

It might be because of Ray Brower.

I head inside and immediately mom calls out for me. Stupid Vern; couldn't he have told us his story a bit faster?

I find mom in the kitchen; she's at the sink finishing the breakfast dishes. "Yes?" I ask when I enter.

She spins on her heels faster than I thought was possible considering she's actually _in_ heels. Her eyes are wide and I can almost see her hair crackle with anger. "Where were you?" she demands. She's dripping water onto the floor, but I doubt she's noticed.

"I went down to the drugstore to see if they had any new John D. MacDonalds," I say quickly, using Gordie's usual excuse for stopping by the drugstore.

"Don't interrupt me Cordelia!" she snaps. I struggle not to sigh, or say something. I could have sworn she asked me a question and was waiting for an answer. "We're late leaving because we had to wait for you."

"I'm sorry," I say, only because I know that's what she wants me to say. What I'd like to ask is why, if they were waiting for me, is she doing dishes? But sometimes I know what she wants, and this time she just wants me apologize and be quiet.

"When we're gone, I don't want you going out like that. We were worried."

"I just wanted some fresh air." I hear dad coming downstairs, and I find relief in the noise.

"You can get fresh air in the garden."

"There she is!" Dad says behind me. Unlike mom, he's just happy to see me.

"So I can't leave the house at all while you're gone?" I ask, surprised. She's never ordered me to do anything so insane before.

"Don't be ridiculous Cordelia," she tells me as she reaches for the towel on the counter beside her. "Of course you can go outside."

I wonder if she realizes she just told me two different things. Maybe she thinks I'm a mind reader.

"We better go Ellen," Dad says. "We don't want to be driving too late."

Mom drapes the towel over the sink and grabs her purse. We say our quick goodbyes, and I get the sense they're both as excited to leave as I am for them to leave. I can't imagine that's healthy.

"Stay out of trouble," Mom tells me as she gets into the car. She pokes her head out the open window. "I mean it, Cordelia. Be good."

I nod, and dad backs down the drive. I stand there and watch as they drive off. I glance at my watch. It's almost noon. I hurry inside and grab what I think I'll need: another set of clothes, a canteen and a blanket. I shove everything into my backpack. I can't imagine I'll need anything else.

I double check the windows and leave, making sure to lock the door behind me. I take the back streets to make sure I'm not spotted by mom and dad.

I'm almost there when I hear shouting on the next street. I turn the corner and see Ace Merrill lifting Chris off the sidewalk and stand him back on his feet. Chris moves back towards Gordie and sees me. He shakes his head once, and I get the hint. I should probably leave and come back, or go around, but I don't get the chance because Ace sees the movement and turns.

"Hello princess," Ace says when he spots me.

I step forward quickly. For some reason, my immediate reaction when dealing with Ace, or any of the Cobras, is to step forward; to show I'm not afraid of them, even though I am. "Don't call me that," I tell him sharply. He does it just to make my skin crawl, and it works every time.

Chris steps forward and grabs my arm. I can't help but look between him and Eyeball. It's still shocking to me that they're brothers. Chris would do anything for me, and judging by what I know, Eyeball would do the exact opposite.

Ace and Eyeball leave, and Chris lets go of my arm.

"Why do you do that?" Gordie asks quietly.

"I hate him." I tell him. Gordie snorts and mumbles something under his breath that I don't catch.

Chris turns to him, and I look between them. I think I missed something before I came around the corner. "Just forget it man," he tells Gordie.

Yeah, I definitely missed something.

I glance between them again, and then start walking. "Come on," I tell them, turning back, but still walking. "Let's go. I need to get out of this town before I scream."

They start following me, but no one talks until we get to the bridge on the edge of town. Teddy and Vern are already there, arguing about something.

"I grabbed my dad's pistol," Chris tells them. I look over at him sharply. What?

"What do we need a pistol for anyway?" Vern asks as though he's read my mind.

"It's spooking sleeping out at night in the woods. We might see a bear."

"Or a garbage can."

What the hell are they talking about?

"I brought a comb."

Oh Jesus Christ. I start to laugh without warning, but the guys ignore me, mainly because Teddy starts in on Vern and causes him to flinch. They drive me nuts, really.

After Teddy punches Vern, I ask, "How far do you think it is?"

"If we follow the tracks all the way into Harlow, it'll be about twenty miles. Sound about right Gordie?"

"Yeah, yeah, might even be thirty."

Good God, my legs hurt already.

"Gee, maybe we should just hitchhike," Vern says, again, like he can read my mind.

I'm about to agree when Teddy shuts him down again. "No way, that sucks."

They start crossing the bridge, still arguing, and I turn and look back for just a moment before I follow them across the bridge and out of town.

* * *

 **Ace is a great character, but also an ass**


	3. Chapter 3

**more original content, more movie-verse. this will end soon, promise**

* * *

 _These bruises make for better conversation  
_ _Loses the vibe that separates  
_ _It's good to let you in again  
_ _You're not alone in how you've been  
_ _-Train ft. Ashley Monroe, Bruises_

According to my watch, we've only been walking for twenty minutes, but I'm already sweating. I'm thankful I'm in a dress, because if I was in pants I'd be dying. Why does it have to be so hot?

The guys are in a line down the tracks. Teddy and Vern are goofing off, and I pass them while they're trying to balance on the rails. Gordie has a faraway look in his eyes, so I don't say anything to him. He's had that look a lot lately, because of Denny, and I'm not sure if it's better to leave him or pull him out of it.

I find myself at the front, next to Chris, and I'm relieved to see he looks hot too.

"Where do you think your folks are?" he asks when he notices I'm next to him.

I shrug. "They're out of Castle Rock, and that's good enough for me," I tell him honestly. I don't know if Chris, or the others, fully knows how much I hate being home. I know they feel the same way, but I've always worried they think I like it.

I turn to him, and suddenly I want to tell him everything. I want him to know what I'm thinking. Would he understand? Would he care?

He glances over and catches my stare. He laughs, but being caught doesn't embarrass me. "What is it?" he asks.

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him. I feel my mouth starting to form the words. But I can't do it. It doesn't feel right.

"Nothing," I say, and I force myself to smile.

"You sure?" he asks. I nod. My heart is pounding from how close I just got to confessing everything, and the rush makes my head throb.

The others are closing in on us, and a part of me is glad I didn't say anything. I don't want all of them knowing. It's too much, I think. Maybe. I don't know.

I hear humming, and it takes me a moment to figure out its coming from Teddy. The tune sounds familiar, but it's not until he starts singing (poorly) that it's _Have Gun Will Travel_. I roll my eyes as the rest of the guys join in. They're idiots and I hate them.

I fall back, because I can't imagine having a good time right now. I don't know how they can act like we're just going for a walk.

My head starts to pound. It's going to be a long day.

"Oh shit!" I hear a head of me a few minutes later. I glance up at the guys. They've stopped on the tracks. "Did anyone bring anything?"

"Bring what?" I ask as I get closer.

"Food," Chris says. My heart sinks. We've been walking for a while now; there's no way we could head back.

We should have just hitchhiked.

"Not me," Chris says. "Gordie?" He shakes his head.

Teddy throws his hands in the air. "Well this is just great, what are we supposed to do – eat our feet?"

I choke back a laugh; he looks so frustrated it's honestly funny to me. He throws me a dark look and I shrug.

"You didn't bring anything either?"

"This wasn't my idea!" he shouts. "It was Vern's idea. Why didn't you bring something?"

"What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb!"

"What do you need a comb for; you don't even have any hair!"

I take a step forward. Everyone is already grumpy and I just want the yelling to stop. "While that's fair, let's just see how much money we have." There's a quick silence as everyone looks at me. It makes my head feel better.

Gordie's the first to take his pack off and sits down on the tracks. I follow, crossing my ankles in a way that would make mom proud. Chris sits down next, followed by Teddy and Vern.

"I got a dollar-two," Gordie says. I dig through my bag and find some lose change at the bottom. I hand it to him. "Cora's got eighty cents…sixty-eight cents from Chris…sixty cents from Teddy-" He stops and looks at Vern, who sighs and hands over his change. Gordie looks down at it and sighs. "Seven cents, Vern?" he asks in a quiet, defeated voice.

"I haven't found my pennies yet!"

I roll my eyes. We should just tell him those pennies are long gone. It would be the right thing to do, I think.

"Three seventeen's not bad."

"Isn't there a store at the end of the little road that goes by the junkyard?" I ask.

"Yeah, I think so." Chris says, glancing quickly at the others; they all nod. "We can get some stuff there."

I glance down the tracks and see a train on its way. I stand dust off the back of my dress. Chris looks up at me. "Train's coming," I tell them.

They stand quickly and we leave the tracks. "Geronimo!" Vern calls as he jumps to the side of the tracks.

"Come on Teddy!" Chris calls. I look back. What is he doing? Why is he still on the tracks?

"No," he says simply, like he's been asked to take out the trash. "I'm gonna dodge it."

"What?" I cry out. "Get off the tracks!"

"Get the hell off the tracks Teddy!" Chris yells. "You wanna get yourself killed?"

The train is getting closer. Teddy's still just standing there. He's going to get hit. Just like Brower, he's going to get hit by a train!

Chris runs up the bank and grabs Teddy. They fight, but Chris drags him off the tracks, and a moment later the train passes.

"You son of a bitch!" I hear as Teddy goes for Chris, but they're both held back.

I step forward without thinking. One of them pushes me hard, and anger flares inside me. "Knock it off!" I shout at them both. "You're both crazy!"

There's a pause, and I'm happy they aren't physically fighting each other. I rub my shoulder.

"I don't need no babysitter," Teddy says in a low voice

"You do it," Chris tells him. I give him a glare over my shoulder. Chris sighs, and holds out his hand. I take a step to the side. "Skin it."

"I could have dodged it," Teddy tells him before he goes over to the tracks and grabs his stuff. Chris goes after him. I turn to Gordie and Vern, but they don't notice.

"Listen Teddy, you can dodge it on the way back man. Peace. Skin it." Dodge it on the way back my ass! I'm not going through this again.

Finally, Teddy gives Chris some skin. Chris grabs his bedroll and they take off together down the tracks. We grab our things and follow behind them. No one speaks, and I'm thankful it's quiet. The pain in my head is just a dull ache, and I hope it goes away when the sun starts to set.

A little while later, we make the bend and the junkyard comes into view, and I've never been as glad to see it as I am right now.

* * *

 **trying to spread things out to give more time for character interaction, but it's hard cause I hate movie-verse writing**


	4. Chapter 4

**more (original) character development and interaction (and movie-verse)**

* * *

 _And with the black banners raised  
_ _As the crooked smiles fade  
_ _Former heroes who quit too late  
_ _-Fall Out Boy, The Kids Aren't Alright_

We stop at the fence. It's not open yet, but that isn't going to stop us. I wonder if they're worried about Milo, or Chopper. Just because the junkyard is closed doesn't mean they're not around here somewhere. Honestly though, it's not even Milo I'm wary of, it's Chopper. He was hardly seen, but everyone knew about him, and everyone was afraid of him. The kids at school had so many different stories about that dog that if he wasn't ten feet tall and over two hundred pounds with a bite strong enough to break bone, he would be a letdown.

The worst part was that Milo had trained Chopper to sic, and any kid who would illegally scale the fence (like we were clearly doing right now) might hear Milo command, "Chopper, sic balls!"

To be fair, I'm not exactly scared about that last part, for obvious reasons.

Gordie hooks his fingers through the fence and turns to Vern. "Looks like your ma's been out driving again," he jokes.

Vern rolls his eyes. "That's so funny I forgot to laugh."

Teddy takes his bedroll and tosses it over the fence. "Paratroops, over the side!" he shouts before he and Vern start to scale the fence. Chris and Gordie follow quickly. I wait until they're at the top before I follow.

I jump down and grab onto Gordie to stop from falling on my butt, and he steadies me. I straighten my dress and we follow after them. "Teddy's insane," I say when I hear he's still shouting army talk.

"He won't live to be twenty, I bet," Chris adds.

"Remember the time you saved him in the tree?" Gordie asks. I shudder. If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed the story. Somehow Chris managed to grab Teddy from falling out of a tree by grabbing onto his _hair_. I remember screaming, because I was so certain I was going to watch Teddy crash all one hundred and twenty feet down to the ground.

"You know I dream about that sometimes," Chris confesses. "Except in the dream I always miss him. I just get a couple of his hairs and down he goes."

"Thank god you didn't miss." I say with a shrug.

"Chris Chambers never misses, does he?" Gordie says.

Chris laughs. "Not even when the ladies leave the seat down."

I groan and push him. "Don't be gross!" I tell him.

He laughs and turns to Gordie. "I'll race you."

Gordie glances over at me and shrugs. "I don't know."

"Right to the pump, man, come on."

"No, I'm kind of tired – go!" Gordie drops his pack and takes off.

Chris takes off after him, shouting, "You're a dead man, Lachance!"

"Stop running!" I call to them, but I can't help but laugh. "You'll get heatstroke!"

They stop by the pump and I shake my head. One of them is bound to pass out before this adventure is done.

I grab my canteen from my bag and stick it under the water, and once it's full I take a long drink. I twist the cap back into place and then hold the canteen to my forehead. It feels nice.

Gordie fills up his canteen and we go over to a pile of junk and sit down in the shade. I'm between Vern and Gordie, where there's the most shade. I don't want to get up. It's too hot.

"Have you guys been watching the Mickey Mouse Club lately?"

"Duh," I tell Teddy. I don't have to look over to know he's glaring at me.

"I think Annette's tits are getting bigger."

I kick out at him, but miss. He's too far away, and now he's laughing at me. "Shut up, Teddy. Don't be gross!" I tell him. The others start laughing.

"You think so?"

"I think he's right. I've been noticing lately that the A and the E are beginning to bend around the sides."

I drop my head to my hands. "I hate all of you and you're perverts."

There's a pause, and then Vern says under his breath. "Annette's tits are great." I sigh, but remain silent. "This is really a good time," he says a few moments later.

"The most."

"A blast."

Vern didn't mean being here in the junkyard, or what we were on our way to do. There was something underneath the words he said, and we all knew it. It was probably different for all of us, but it was there. I wonder if they knew how much it meant to me, being here with them. They could have left me back in town, and they didn't. They invited me. There was no hesitation in the invite. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell them, to thank them, but Teddy squirts Vern with water from his mouth and I start to laugh instead of speak. Gordie laughs so hard he leans into me to keep from falling on his side.

"Great, spit at the fat kid, real good. What time is it Gordie?" Gordie manages to stop laughing and tells him it's a quarter after one. "We better go get the food. The junkyard opens at third. Chopper will be here."

"Sic balls!" Chris says, tossing the rock he's holding.

"I'm thankful I have nothing to worry about," I tell them, trying to act serious when I'm trying not to laugh. I glance over at Chris, who is laughing, and also shaking his head. He looks up and catches me. I smile and look away.

"Let's flip for it."

Gordie takes the coins out of his pocket and hands us each a nickel. We flip quickly and when it's revealed we all flipped tails, Vern starts freaking out.

"I don't like this. Sincerely."

Teddy rolls his eyes. "Verno! Nobody believes that crap about moons and goochers, it's baby stuff! Now come on, flip again." We all flip, and keep our hands over our coins, waiting for Vern. I hope I don't have to go alone. "You gonna flip, or not?!" Teddy demands.

"Flip your damn coin." I tell him. He sighs and flips.

Only Gordie gets heads. Teddy starts to laugh, and it makes my head pound until he stops. I don't want him to laugh anymore. His laugh grates my nerves like nothing else.

Gordie gathers up his stuff and leaves after delivering a sick comeback to Teddy that I truly appreciate. We sit there silently for a while. The guys are throwing rocks at an empty tin can. Eventually I finish the water from my canteen, and I have to ask Chris to help me pump more water. We take Gordie's canteen too, seeing as he forgot it, and go over to the pump. Chris starts priming it, and I stand back so I don't get elbowed.

When the water starts flowing, I fill both canteens and drape them both over my shoulder. I glance over my shoulder and see Teddy and Vern now throwing rocks at each other. Why doesn't that surprise me?

"Today has been pretty good," I tell Chris. He looks over at me, surprised. "I mean, being outside with you guys; knowing mom and dad are in Washington. There's just this feeling of…freedom I have here. No one expects me to be a mind reader."

Chris takes a step towards me, and I appreciate his closeness. "I know it's bad," he starts, but I shake my head.

"It's not that, it's…it's _suffocating_. I feel like I'm being suffocated." I pause. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't complain or whatever," I stop, because I don't know how to continue, or even if I should.

Chris reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. I like this too. "It's okay, Cordelia," he tells me. My full name sounds weird coming from him, but it makes me listen. "I get it."

I open my mouth to tell him, it's again on the tip of my tongue, but a car backfires somewhere in the yard. Teddy and Vern jump up.

"The hell was that?" I ask.

"Milo must be here. We gotta go." Chris gestures to the others, and they hurry towards us. We make our way to the fence and climb it quickly.

"What about Gordie?" I ask. "He'll be back any second."

"He's on his own, man," Teddy says. I slap his arm.

We wait on the outside of the fence for only a couple moments when Gordie appears in our line of sight. He doesn't see us at first. I hear Milo's voice, and wonder if Gordie can too.

Gordie turns and finally sees us. I start waving him over when I hear, "Hey! Hey you kid! What're you doing there? Come over here!"

"Run Gordie!" I shout, trying to make my voice heard over the others, who are shouting essentially the same things.

Gordie starts running, and then screams when he hears Milo call, "Sic him boy!" He gets to the fence and climbs it faster than I thought was possible.

The dog hits the fence, and I'm shocked. That was not the kind of dog I expected. I would have bet money he was bigger than I was, with blood around his mouth. But the dog Teddy is now taunting is kind of cute.

And much smaller than I thought.

Milo's at the fence, pointing a chubby finger through the links at Teddy. "Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!"

"Yeah. I'd like to see you try to climb over this fence and get me, fat ass!"

I turn around because I don't want Milo to see me laughing. The way Teddy said it is so funny to me I have to take a few steps back so no one hears my laughter.

"Don't you call me that, you little tin-weasel peckerwood loony's son!"

Teddy stops. Everyone freezes. I turn around quickly, my laughter cut short. My hand comes up and covers my mouth.

"What did you call me?" he asks in a quiet voice I didn't know he had.

"I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a loony—a loony up in the nuthouse in Togus. He took your ear, and he put it to a stove, and he burnt it off!"

I take a step forward and place my hand on the small of Teddy's back. He doesn't shake me off, or step away; in fact, he doesn't move at all. He might not even feel it.

"My father stormed the beach at Normandy," Teddy tells him quietly. He's never quiet. I don't like this. We should just turn around and leave.

"He's crazier than a shithouse rat! No wonder you're acting the way you are, with a loony for a father."

"You call my dad loony again and I'll kill you."

Milo must realize he's hit a sore spot, and it's obvious he doesn't care. "Loony, loony, loony."

Teddy screams and jumps at the fence. "I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!" He starts climbing the fence. I try to grab for him, but Chris gets a better grip on him and pulls him away.

"He wants you to go over there so he can beat the piss out of you and then take you to the cops!" Gordie tells him, trying to be heard over Teddy's screaming.

"You watch your mouth, smart guy. Let him do his own fighting."

"Sure. You only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat ass!" Gordie shouts.

"I know your name. You're Lachance! I know all you, and all your fathers are going get a call from me!" He points his finger at me and raises his eyebrows. Thank god dad is out of town. "Except for the loony up in Togus."

Teddy screams again and tries to get away from Chris, screaming. Gordie grabs him too and we manage to drag him away from the junkyard, with Milo still calling out for us until we're far enough away that his voice fades.

Teddy takes off his glasses, wiping at his eyes. He's crying. I can't believe what I'm seeing, but I'm seeing Teddy cry. Gordie takes Teddy's bedroll; Chris takes Teddy's glasses and hands them to me. I hold them by the middle so I don't accidently break them.

"He ranked my old man."

"He doesn't know anything about your dad, right?" I demand. It's weird seeing Teddy so upset. Usually things just roll right off him. I feel like going back and punching Milo in the face, if I could reach it.

"Just forget it," he mumbles.

"He don't know nothing about your old man. He's just dog shit." Vern pipes up from my left. I switch Teddy's glasses from one hand to another.

"Whatever is between you and your old man—he can't change that," Chris adds.

"Forget it, alright?! Just forget it!" Teddy shouts.

Vern tries to lighten the mood by singing again. Chris and Gordie just stare at him until he stops. There's a moment of silence and when I turn to look at Teddy, I see he's stopped. I tap Gordie, and he turns as well.

"I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time," Teddy says when we've all stopped.

"It's okay, man," Chris says.

I take a step forward. "It wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for that asshole."

"I'm not sure it should be a good time," Gordie says.

"You saying you wanna go back?" Chris demands.

"No. But going to see a dead kid—maybe it shouldn't be a party." He's right, of course. Maybe we shouldn't be treating this as a fun adventure.

"Yeah. Like if he's really bad, like all cut up and blood and shit all over him. I might have nightmares..." Vern says. I didn't even think of that. Oh God, he's right. I can't get the picture of what he's saying out of my head. "...you know, like all guts and eyeballs all ready to jump and grab..."

"Shut up, Vern, goddamn it!" Chris yells. I put my hand on his shoulder. We're too far from home to be fighting like this. He relaxes quickly.

"I can't help it. Sorry."

We're silent as we continue walking down the tracks. I switch Teddy's glasses again, only this time I smudge the lenses. I sigh and start cleaning them on my shirt. When I think they're clean enough, I hand them back to Teddy, who I know can't see shit without them.

"Thanks."

I fall to the back of the group and glance at my watch. I feel my stomach sink when I see it's only two forty-five. We have such a long way to go, and the day is almost half over.

* * *

 **fuck the junkyard; this chapter is long, and that's because I just wanted it over and done with**


	5. Chapter 5

**near death experiences always bring people together**

* * *

 _It's getting cold  
_ _Picked up the pace  
_ _How our shoes make  
_ _Hard noises in this plac_ _e  
_ _Our clothes are stained  
_ _We pass many cross-eyed people  
_ _And ask many questions  
_ _Like children often do  
_ _-Dishwalla, Counting Blue Cars_

Sometime later, Teddy stops being quiet and makes Vern turn on his radio. The radio seems like something to brag about bringing, not a comb, but I keep that thought to myself.

They find a station and it's playing one of my favorite songs, so while the two of them dance down the tracks, I make sure to follow behind them. I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous they look.

I look back at Gordie and Chris. They're talking about something, though I have no idea what exactly since I can't hear them. But Gordie looks upset.

The song is over, and another one starts. I don't like it as much, and am glad when Vern turns down the volume a bit

"Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?" he asks.

"What are you, cracked?" Teddy demands. "Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman is a real guy."

"He's also a mouse," I say, sounding more deadpan than I meant to. Teddy jerks his head towards me. He must see I'm being serious, because he doesn't say anything.

"Maybe you're right," Vern says after he's had enough time to think it over. "Would be a good fight though!"

"Shut up Vern," I tell him, kicking at the back of his shoe.

A few moments later, there's shouting. I turn and see Chris and Gordie just standing there. I don't know if it was them, or if it was from the radio.

"Hey," I start, because I don't know what to say. Teddy turns and sees Gordie and Chris down the tracks. He sighs and turns.

"Come on you guys, let's get moving!" Vern calls.

"Yeah, by the time we get there the kid won't even be dead anymore!" Teddy shouts. I look over at him quickly.

"Don't say that," I tell him.

"What's the matter, scared?" he teases.

"Shut up, Teddy."

"Make me!"

"I don't make trash, I burn it!"

By this time they had caught up to us. Gordie had that faraway look in his eye. I wonder where he goes when that happens. I glance over at Chris, and ignore Teddy, who's mumbling a lot of insults about me and my mother under his breath. Chris doesn't say anything, he just keeps walking past us. We follow quietly.

Everything is going fine until we hit the bridge. It's almost a hundred feet up and almost twenty, maybe thirty feet long. I groan. Why didn't we think of this? "Any of you know when the next train is due?" I ask.

No one knows. This is just great.

"We could go down to the Route 136 Bridge," Chris suggests.

"Are you crazy?" Teddy demands, and it's almost ironic coming from him. "That's five miles down the river. You walk five miles down the river; you gotta walk five miles back."

"That's a good point." I interrupt. Teddy looks at me, and for a moment I'm scared he's going to yell at me; that he's going to tell me not to interrupt him again, but he looks away again. "That could take until dark," he continues. "If we go across here, we'll get to the same place in ten minutes."

"Yeah, but if a train comes, there's nowhere's to go." Vern reminds him.

"Jump," I tell them honestly. They all look over at me sharply. "What?" I ask. There's not exactly another answer, is there?

"You guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here, and while you guys are dragging your asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts." He starts forward and climbs up on the bridge.

"Do you use your left hand or your right hand for that?" Gordie asks. I bite my lip so I don't laugh.

"You wish," Teddy says easily.

He starts across the bridge, with Chris right behind him. Vern goes next, and Gordie lets me go after. We end up walking almost side by side, because Vern refuses to walk normally. About halfway across, he's so scared he drops to his knees and starts to crawl. I look over my shoulder at Gordie. He shakes his head and I roll my eyes. Fucking Vern.

Vern loses the comb, and I have to fake sympathy because I truly don't care. I just want across this bridge.

Gordie slips out of my peripheral view, and when I turn he's crouched down, hand on the rail. He looks up and back the way we just came. My heart starts to pound when I look up and see smoke.

He stands quickly and shouts, "Train!" He rushes past me and forces Vern to his feet. I watch the train come around the corner.

This must be how Brower felt.

Gordie grabs my arm and shoves me past him, and I'm running only because Gordie is right behind me and I don't want him to die. I hear screaming, and the train is getting closer, and the whistle is blowing over and over again. Gordie is shouting. Vern is crying. I can't look up, or I'll lose my balance. I don't know how much longer the bridge it. I can't look up.

Gordie grabs the back of my dress and pulls me to the side. For a split second, I'm certain he's fallen, and now I'm down too, and we're both going to die, but I hit dirt. I look up and see the train passing us at a perfectly safe distance.

I lay my head back on the ground. Everything is shaking and I think it's because I'm shaking. The motion is making me sick, so I close my eyes.

After the noise from the train passes, I force myself to roll over so I'm on my hands and knees. I pause because I don't trust my legs to hold my weight. My arms feel like spaghetti and everything is spinning.

I hear a light _thud_ behind me and I open my eyes. Chris is crouched down in front of me.

"Are you okay?" he asks, like I didn't just dodge a train Teddy-style.

I can't speak, so I do the only thing I can think of.

I hug him.

He's surprised for just a moment before he hugs me back. I'm still shaking, and maybe he can tell because he holds me tighter. "It's okay," he says softly. He laughs. "You made it."

"Not funny," I mumble into his shoulder.

"If you two are done, we got some walking to do!" Teddy shouts behind us.

Chris pulls back just enough so I can see him, but he doesn't let go. "Are you okay?" he repeats. I nod, because I suddenly can't find my voice. He helps me up and dusts me off the best he can, and I'm grateful for it.

"We have to go a few more miles before we stop for the night," Gordie says. His voice is shaking, and I'm glad it's not just me.

Chris puts his hand on my back and leads me up the small bank and back onto the tracks, and I'm thankful for the help, because my legs are still shaking and I don't think I could have done it on my own.

* * *

 **hugs fix a lot of problems, but can cause a lot new ones**


	6. Chapter 6

**some heavy stuff in this chapter, and some poor handling of said stuff because they're only children. trigger warning for suicidal thoughts; also this is a shorter chapter because I'm trash**

* * *

 _(There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back)  
_ _Well tell her that I miss our little talks  
_ _(Soon it will be over and buried with our past)  
_ _We used to play outside when we were young  
_ _And full of life and full of love  
_ _-Of Monsters and Men, Little Talks_

It's starting to get dark when we finally stop for the night. We have to start a fire, but Chris tells me to sit down, and I don't argue. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl, or if he's still worried I'm about to fall over at any moment, but I'm glad to sit down. I watch the others gather firewood, and Gordie manages to catch a fire.

Teddy starts to laugh as we're cooking our burgers. "Man that was the all-time train dodge. Too cool."

"Shut up, Teddy," I tell him quickly. I would like to not relive it right this moment.

Teddy hits my shin with a stick he pulls from the pile, and threatens to hit me again, but I kick at him. He instead turns to Vern and starts poking him with it.

After we eat, I spread out my blanket between Gordie and Chris and lie down. I'm so tired, and we have so much further left to go. I'm beginning to wish I had just stayed home. At least I could have taken an aspirin and gotten rid of this headache.

Chris starts passing around cigarettes. I pass, only because I don't think my lungs could take it after the train. I roll over onto my back and listen to the guys talk.

Maybe I lied; maybe I am glad I came.

"Hey Gordie, why don't you tell us a story?" Chris asks.

"Yes!" I say loudly, rolling over onto my stomach to look at him.

"I don't know."

"Come on," Chris persists.

"Please Gordie!" I beg. I want him to tell a story so bad. He hasn't told one in a long time.

"Yeah, come on Gordie," Vern adds. "But not one of your horror stories, okay? I don't wanna hear no horror story. I'm not up for the man."

"The one I've been thinking about is kind of different. It's about this pie-eating contest, and the main guy of the story is a fat kid nobody likes named Davie Hogan."

Vern starts to speak, but I shush him. I don't want Gordie to go back and not tell his story.

"Well this kid is our age but he's fat, real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know it's not his fault it's his glands."

"Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely-"

"Shut up Vern!" Chris and I tell him in unison.

"Yeah, yeah, go on Gordie, it's a swell story."

Gordie settles in and begins his story of Lardass Hogan. I roll over again on my back and listen to Gordie talk.

I hear most of the story, but somewhere along the line my brain wanders off, and everything stops. I don't know if I fell asleep, but the next thing I know, there's cheering. I sit up and pray no one noticed I had spaced, or fallen asleep.

"That was the best, just the best."

"Then what happened?" Teddy asks.

Gordie pauses. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what happened?" he repeats.

"What do you mean what happened, that's the end."

There isn't anymore, but Teddy is trying to force an ending that suites him to the story and I can see Gordie struggling. He looks at Chris for help, but Chris can't do anything, so Gordie lets Teddy make up his own ending.

"Hey Verno," Chris says after a long few moments. "Where's the radio? Let's see if we can get some sounds."

With the radio low, the boys talk, and I listen. I can't put my finger on it, but things feel out of place. Like everything has slide to the side and I'm left in the middle, and I can't fix it.

Nobody mentions Brower, but I wish they would. Maybe that would have put everything in place the way it should be. But no one says his name, and I don't either. I roll onto my stomach and watch the fire burn low. We should probably get to bed; it's getting late.

Soon enough I hear Vern snoring. Teddy isn't making fun of him, or complaining, and when I look over at him, I see he's asleep too. I glance to my right and left. Both Gordie and Chris are still awake, but neither of them is talking. Like me, they're watching the fire, which is due to go out any minute.

My arms start to fall asleep, so I sit up quickly. The fire is only embers now, and they're starting to die.

"I wish we could just stay here," I confess as one ember blinks out. "I don't want to go back."

I feel Chris shift next to me, and then he's at my side. Again, I appreciate his closeness. "That's the second time you've said something like that," Chris tells me, as though I don't remember. Being out here is making me more open than I should be. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I tell him, because I'm worried if he keeps asking, I'll tell him. Gordie sits up on his bedroll and turns to me. I sit back and cross my legs, gathering up my dress and tucking it between my legs. Mom would kill me if she saw me sitting like this. The very thought makes me cringe.

"What's wrong?" Chris asks.

I look up at him, and then over at Gordie. I lower my eyes to the last remaining lit ember, and the words come without warning. "I hate Castle Rock," I start. "I hate everything about it. I have to leave." There's a pause. It's very short, and maybe I'm the only one who notices it. The words are there, right at the edge, and I can't swallow them and forget about them. "I mean it. And sometimes I feel like if I don't get out after graduation, I'll kill myself."

The words hang in the air. After so many years, I've said it. I can't believe I've just confessed my one secret. There's adrenaline running through my veins, and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not.

"What?" Chris asks quickly, and quietly. He grabs my shoulder and forces me to look at him. "Cora-"

"I could never do it, I'm sure," I interrupt. I glance over my shoulder at Gordie. His face is ashen, and I'm worried I've upset him. "I told you Chris, I just feel like I'm suffocating."

"Well, that's why we're here, right?" he asks. He's trying to smile, but I can see it doesn't reach his eyes. "To keep you breathing."

I smile and look over at Gordie again. "Or to shove me out of the way of a train." Gordie smiles and I'm glad.

I look back at the fire. The last ember is gone. No one speaks. I lay back. My hand brushes Chris' and something shoots through me that I can't quite put my finger on.

Gordie and Chris move back to their makeshift beds without a word, and I'm thankful for the silence.

* * *

 **awkward chapter ending, my bad**


	7. Chapter 7

**more non-movie-verse interaction; and a little fluff? man, it came out of nowhere; also, sorry for it jumping around, I'm not good at the wake/sleep/wake/sleep writing style**

* * *

 _Hey baby, it's never too late  
_ _Pretty soon you won't remember a thing  
_ _And I'll be distant  
_ _The stars reminiscing  
_ _Your heart's been wasted on me  
_ _-Paramore, Decoy_

I'm jerked awake sometime later. Someone is much too close to me, and when I focus, I see its Vern. I don't understand. He was on the other side of Chris. Why is he here? What time is it?

Then I hear howling and I sit up straight. "What is that?" I demand; my voice thick with sleep. I squint at my watch, but can't make out exactly what time it is.

"Coyotes," Chris says. He's still next to me.

I look around. Teddy's standing and walking away, and Gordie still on his bedroll.

"Teddy, sit down," I tell him quietly.

"I wanna see the ghost!" he tells me. What ghost?

I rub my eyes as there's another round of howling. I find myself moving closer to Vern. Teddy falls down in surprise, and any other time I would find it funny. But I'm terrified that if I laugh, the coyotes or the ghosts will find us.

"How close are they?" I whisper, but no one answers. Maybe it's for the best.

Chris and Gordie go to the fire, and after a couple long minutes manage to get it lit again. On one hand, I'm thankful for the light, but on the other hand I'm worried whatever's out there will be attracted to it.

"Maybe we should stand guard," Vern says quickly.

"Give me the gun," Teddy says. I look around quickly. Chris is handing him his father's pistol. When the hell did he bring that out? Does he really think we'll need it?

I sit in silence watching the others get back to their spots. Teddy climbs up to a tree on a low bank. The others lay down, and I can't believe they're going back to sleep. Are their hearts not pounding like mine is? How can they just go back to sleep after this?

"Twenty-three hundred hours." Teddy's voice makes me jump. I'm not going to get any sleep tonight, I know it. "Corporal Teddy Duchamp stands guard. No sign of the enemy. The fort is secure."

"Shut up Teddy and keep your eyes peeled!"

"The dogfaces rested easy, in the knowledge that Corporal Teddy Duchamp was protecting all that was sacred to them."

"Teddy!"

I remain sitting. My heartbeat slows to its normal pace, which I take as a good sign. I glance up at Teddy. He's just standing there. He's _actually_ keeping watch.

After a while, when I'm finally feeling tired again, I lie down and fall back asleep.

For the second time that night, I'm being shaken awake.

"It's your watch," Chris tells me.

"Five more minutes," I beg. I don't want to take a shift. Can they just cover it for me? I'm a girl, after all. I need my rest.

He laughs. "I already covered an extra hour, what more do you want?"

This wakes me up. I finally open my eyes and focus on him. Something's not right. "What's wrong?" I ask as I sit up quickly.

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

I don't answer, but instead I stand and stretch. I'm looking forward to being home only to sleep in my bed for a full night.

"Get some sleep," I tell him. He offers me the gun, but I pretend I don't see it and go to the tree Teddy was at earlier. I settle against the trunk and try to stay awake. It's chilly, and it's helping a bit.

I watch Chris climb up the hill and he sits down next to me. "I thought I told you to get some sleep," I joke. I don't like how serious he looks. How could he look that way this late at night?

"Are you taking the college prep classes?"

"Yes," I tell him after the initial confusion wears off. What does that have to do with sleep? "Which seems crazy since mom doesn't want me leaving Castle Rock." I pause. "Why?"

"I was talking to Gordie about it."

"When?"

"Before I woke you," he says. "Gordie said I should take the classes too." He looks over at me, and I can't help but smile.

"Of course you should, dummy." I bump my shoulder with his, and I get another jolt. "You're smart Chris." He rolls his eyes. "I mean it. Do you think we'd lie to you? You think we want you to fail?"

"Of course not."

"Then sign up for the classes. We'll help you, I swear. I'm so good at history it's sad." His eyebrows jump quickly. I shrug, but I can see a shadow of a smile on his lips. "The dates never change. Once you learn them you're good."

He drapes his arms over his legs. "They probably won't let me." He shrugs. "What's the point? What does it matter?"

"You matter!" I tell him sternly. He looks over at me quickly. "They have to let you take the classes." I tell him even though I don't know that for sure. "Just prove you belong there and they won't be able to kick you out."

He doesn't respond. I don't know what he's thinking, but I hope I've helped in some way. Without really thinking about the consequences, I move closer to him and put my head on his shoulder. I've always wanted to, and now seems like a good time to try.

I get another jolt when he rests his head against mine. I'm glad the others are asleep. Teddy would probably have a field day if he saw us.

"How's your head?" he asks after a few moments of silence.

I pull away slightly, in surprise. "What? How did you know?"

"You squint when you have a headache."

I laugh and put him head back on his shoulder. "It's better. At least I don't feel like I'm going to pass out." I pause. "When we left I was worried I shouldn't have come."

"Why?"

"I just couldn't shake this feeling like I shouldn't be here."

"I'm glad you're here."

I turn and rest my chin on his shoulder. "Thanks," I whisper. He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and nods.

We sit like this for a while. I'm getting too comfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I move away from him before I can say anything stupid. "Go back to sleep," I tell him. After a few moments, he sighs and stands. He says goodnight and goes back to his spot by the fire. I force my eyes away, and struggle to remain awake.

At the end of my shift, I wake Gordie and lay back down. It feels like I'm only asleep for a moment when the freight train goes by and we're getting up for the morning. I pack up my stuff and we continue on our way.

* * *

 **this one is all over the place, and I'm so sorry for it**


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't even know what I'm doing anymore; I'm sorry for the extreme movie-verse-ness of this chapter**

* * *

 _I see this life like a swinging vine  
_ _Swing my heart across the line  
_ _In my face is flashing signs  
_ _Seek it out and ye shall find  
_ _-OneRepublic, Counting Stars_

We walk for almost two hours before we catch sight of the river

"Gentlemen," Chris starts. I elbow him hard in the ribs. "And lady," he adds in an exasperated voice. The inclusion feels good. "The Royal."

Almost in unison, the five of us look from the river to the tracks. "The tracks go way out of the way," Teddy says. It's good to know we're all on the same page.

"If we cut across this field right here, we'll be there in an hour," Chris tells us, but he can't possible know that for sure.

I glance at the tracks again. I just want to get there. I want to get there, see if it's true about Brower, and go home. I'm so tired, and hungry, and hot that I can feel my patience fading quickly.

"I think we should stick to the tracks," Vern says quickly.

"That's dumb," I snap. "We should just cut across here."

"Let's go across the field," Teddy agrees.

"Gordie?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go!" Chris says before taking off down the hillside. Gordie, Teddy, and I follow quickly, leaving Vern on the tracks. I can hear him calling out to us, but I don't hear the words he's saying. When I glance back, he's following us. Was that so hard?

We enter the woods at the bottom of the hill, and I realize quickly that maybe Vern was right; maybe we should have stuck to the tracks. It's clearly rained here recently, and the ground is still soaking wet. It takes all my strength to pull my feet out of the mud just to keep up. This is awful.

"I hate this shortcut," Vern says behind me.

"I hate this shortcut," Teddy teases, and I'm glad he said something first.

I jerk my shoe out of the mud. This is driving me nuts. Why did we do this?

"You flinched!" Vern yells, causing me to turn. Did he actually get Teddy to flinch? "Two for flinching!"

Teddy punches him twice in quick succession, and I bite my lip to keep from laughing at Vern's confused face. "But, you flinched."

"I know," Teddy says easily as he starts to walk again. "Two for flinching."

He comes up beside me and I can't help but ask, "Hit him again?"

"Later."

We continue to walk in silence until we come across an area that was clearly flooded from the last rain storm.

"How are we supposed to get across this?" Vern asks.

I turn and glare at him. He's sure asking a lot of annoying questions. "We use you as a raft," Teddy says before I can say something meaner.

I wipe the sweat away that's gathering at my hairline. I want to go home and sit in front of the fan until I freeze.

Chris snaps a piece of branch off a nearby tree and jabs it at the water. "Hey, it's not that deep, we can just walk across." He starts across, and we follow closely behind him.

We only get a couple feet in before the ground slopes drastically and I fall under the water. It feels surprisingly nice.

I come up quickly and see I'm not the only one who went under, which is good, because if Teddy started making fun of me, I'd probably hit him.

"I told you we should've stuck to the tracks," Vern says in a flat voice.

"Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?" Teddy demands.

"I suppose this is fun for you."

"No, but this is-" Teddy grabs onto Vern and dunks him under the water. I turn to Gordie. He looks just as thrilled about this as I feel.

"Teddy, knock it off," I tell him, trying to be heard over his laughter. "Act your age."

"This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth and I'll only be young once!"

"Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life," Chris interjects. That's pretty good comeback; how did he come up with it so quickly?

"Come on," Gordie mumbles to me.

I duck out of Teddy's way as he goes after Chris. Gordie and I are almost to the edge of the water when I hear Chris call from behind us, "Hey, where do you think you're going Lachance?"

"Yeah, Lachance!"

"Knock it off, guys," I tell them.

One of them grabs Gordie, and his instincts must kick in because he grabs me as he's going under, dragging me with him. I push myself up from the bottom and break the surface quickly.

"Hey Vern, there's something on your neck!" Gordie tells him from his place at the bottom on the pile they've formed on the bank.

"Yeah, right, I'm not falling for that one, Lachance!"

I start wading my way over to them. I just want to get out of this gross water.

"No ,Vern, there is something on your neck." Chris starts slowly.

"It's a leech," Teddy says slowly, but my heart starts pounding. "Leeches!" he shouts as we start running for shore.

I see so many on my arms, and I start picking them off as fast as I can. I didn't know leeches could get this big! Oh god, we were in there for so long, there are so many.

I swipe at the ones on my legs and the guys start undressing. I pull my dress off quickly and pick off the two that have attached themselves to my stomach. I feel sick. This is crazy! Vern comes over and gets the ones off my back. I keep checking myself again and again, and even though I know for sure there aren't any on me, I still feel them.

My eyes flicker over to the guys, and with each glance I get that jolt again. I try to tell myself it's only because they're all in their underwear, but it doesn't help.

"Jesus Christ," Teddy whispers when he sees me. I'm so thankful I'm wearing a bra.

"Shut up Teddy," I snap. I want to beg them to look away.

I hear a whimper behind me and I turn quickly. Gordie's reaching in his underwear and I cover my eyes before I see anything I shouldn't.

I soon hear a loud _thud_ and peek through my fingers. "Gordie!" I shout when I see him on the ground. The guys run over to him, and I stand behind them looking over their shoulders.

"Can you hear me? Gordie, are you there?" Chris asks, shaking his shoulder lightly.

"Maybe he's dead," Vern says.

I slap the back of his head. "He's not dead!"

"He's still breathing, you idiot," Teddy adds, glaring at Vern.

"Well, I don't know!"

"Hey, just cool it, you guys, he just fainted," Chris tells them.

"I never met anybody who fainted before."

"Maybe he made a bad mistake and looked at your face."

"Shut up Teddy," I tell him again.

Gordie finally opens his eyes and I let out a sigh of relief. "You okay Gordie?" I ask quickly.

"Yeah."

"Let's go." Chris grabs his arm and helps him up.

I cross my arms over my chest as I step out of their way. I then move over to my bag and pull out my second dress. I am so glad I brought an extra, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see the bag kept it dry.

I try not to, but I glance over my shoulder at Chris. I feel myself blush, and I turn away before anyone notices.

When I'm dresses, and my blush has disappeared, I go over to where the guys are finishing getting their stuff together. Gordie is sitting against a tree a few feet away, and even though I want to ask again if he's okay, I don't. Maybe it's the empty look on his face, but I have a feeling I should leave him alone.

"Maybe we should take Gordie back," Chris says quietly.

Teddy throws his hands up in the air. "Oh great, Chambers, now you're turning pussy too."

"What's your problem, Duchamp? He had a leech hanging from his balls, he fainted."

"What are you, his mother?"

"Eat shit!"

"You eat shit!" Teddy steps forward and shoves Chris. I step between them quickly. My head is pounding again, and if they argue anymore, I'll scream. "I agree with Chris."

"Me too," Vern says, fixing his collar. "Let's go back."

"What a surprise, the king of the pussies wants to go back too!"

"Stop calling me that!" Vern tells him, and I can hear the anger in his voice.

But apparently, Teddy can't. "What, pussy?"

"Stop it."

"Pussy, pussy, pussy!"

"You four-eyed psycho!" Vern lunges for Teddy, and I get out of the way quickly. Teddy is clearly not expecting the assault, and both he and Vern fall to the ground. Vern must have some pent up frustrations, because he is punching Teddy with strength I didn't know he had.

Chris steps forward and tries to break them up, but I can't imagine they'll stop until they get too tired to continue.

"Stop it!" Gordie screams from behind us. I whirl around, and there's silence from the three behind me. Gordie stands up quickly. "I'm not going back." He grabs his pack and heads off without looking to see if we're behind him. I fully believe that even if we hadn't followed him, he would have continued on alone.

* * *

 **the leech scene is always so hard and awkward to write, god help me**


	9. Chapter 9

**what a rollercoaster ride this is ending up to be**

* * *

 _People like us, we've gotta stick together  
_ _Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever  
_ _Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten  
_ _It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom  
_ _-Kelly Clarkson, People Like Us_

We walk in silence for a couple of hours. It's even hotter today, and my head spins with every step.

I don't know what's pushing us to continue. It's seems more and more insane the closer we get. I want to voice my thoughts. I want to ask why we're here; I want to know what we were thinking when we left. But I don't. It seems like a bad time to raise such questions; a good time for it would have been on the edge of town, before this all started.

"Is this the Back Harlow Road?" Gordie asks, pulling me quickly from my thoughts.

"Yeah."

"That Brower kid must be around here someplace. Teddy, you and Vern take the left side of the tracks, the three of us will take the right," Chris instructs.

"Alright," Teddy agrees easily enough.

The guys take off down the tracks, each looking intently for some sign of Brower. I rub my forehead and follow closely behind Gordie. I keep my eyes at my feet, because I don't want to be the one that spots him first.

"There he is!" Vern shouts a couple minutes later. "I see him!"

A switch is flipped in my brain, and I want to see him. We came all this way. It's an odd case of morbid curiosity that takes me from one side of the tracks to the other, where Vern is still shouting, "I see him!"

I'm next to Vern quickly. All I could see was his foot sticking out from under the brush. Chris pushes past us and hurries forward. Somewhere under that brush was the rest of Brower. The train had knocked him so far away. No wonder no one found him yet. How long would he have been here had we not come?

Chris lifts the branch out of the way, and there he is. If his eyes were closed, he could be sleeping. I can't look away from the purple tint growing up from his neck. Things start to get blurry around my vision, and I start to panic. I can't pass out, not now.

So I force myself to look away. I turn away completely. I walk to the far side of the clearing and try to focus on the leaves of the bush in front of me just to have something to focus on.

"Let's look for some long branches," Chris says from behind me. He sounds far away, much too far to still be in the clearing with me. I want to look, but I might see Brower, and I can't risk it. "We'll build him a stretcher." The very idea of carrying him back to town with us makes my head pound again, which causes my stomach to flip. I wrap my arms around my stomach and close my eyes again. Everything is spinning. Why is everything spinning?

"What's the matter with Gordie?" I hear someone ask; the voice doesn't sound right, and I can't place it. And I want to turn. Every muscle in my body is telling me to turn and see what's happening, to check on Gordie, but I can't.

I stand there, eyes closed, waiting for the pain to go away. I just want to leave. I want to leave and never think about this trip ever again.

"What the fuck to do you know about this?"

At that voice, I whirl around. Ace is walking calmly down the hill and I feel even closer to throwing up.

"Son of a bitch," says Eyeball, who comes into sight. "My little brother!"

"You wasn't planning on taking the body from us, was you, boys?"

"You get away man," Chris tells him. I can hear the desperation in his voice. "We found him, we got dibs!"

"We better start running, Eyeball, they got dibs."

I cross the clearing and stand next to Chris. I wish I knew why I step into danger like this. I should be going the other way, away from Ace entirely.

His head turns towards me, and a smirk forms on his face slowly. "Hey there, princess."

"Don't call me that," I tell him. "Just get out of here."

"Get out of here!" Eyeball says in a high pitch voice. I wish I could hit him. "Not gonna happen."

"There's four of us, Eyeball, just make your move."

"Oh we will, don't you worry."

There's a pause, and in the silence I hear footsteps. My vision is starting to get blurry again. "Vern you little son of a whore!" Billy shouts from the top of the bank. "You was under the porch! We ought to beat the shit out of you!" As Billy approaches us, Vern turns and runs. I'm beginning to think he has the right idea.

"You have two choices. Either you leave quietly, and we take the body. Or you stay, we beat the shit out of you, and we take the body." Ace turns his gaze to me. "Except you princess." I can feel the bile at the back of my throat. I'm going to throw up, and they're going to see it.

"Besides, me and Billy found him first," says Charlie Hogan.

"Yeah, Vern told us how you found him," Teddy starts. "'Oh Billy, I wish we never boosted that car! Oh Billy, I think I just turned my Fruit of the Looms into a fudge factory! Oh-'"

"That's it! Your ass is grass!" Charlie starts forward, but Ace stops him in his tracks.

"Okay Chambers, you little faggot. This is your last chance. What do you say?"

"Why don't you go home and fuck your mother some more?"

Ace reaches into his pocket and pulls out a knife. It slides out and Ace points it at Chris. "You're dead."

"Come on Chris, let's split," Teddy begs. The sunlight is hitting the knife and I can't look away from it. The back of my throat burns, and I don't know what I can do. Ace steps closer and closer and who knows what he'll do after he hurts Chris.

Chris grabs my hand and pushes me back behind him. I don't let go of his hand; I can't. If I let it go I'll scream. I'll sink. I'll drown.

"You're gonna have to kill me, Ace."

"No problem."

Just as Ace is bringing his knife up, there's a deafening sound behind us. We all whirl around and see Gordie with the pistol Chris brought. Gordie takes a couple steps forward, aiming the gun at Ace the whole time. The gun is scarier than the knife. It reflects more light, and is even more hypnotic.

"You're not taking him. Nobody's taking him."

Ace takes step forward. He's clearly trying to be cool, but he's stiff. He's afraid, and that makes me less afraid. "You ain't got the sack to shoot a woodchuck."

Gordie cocks the gun. "Don't move Ace. I'll kill you, I swear to god."

"Come on Lachance, give me the gun," Ace tries again. "You must have at least some of your brother's good sense."

"Suck my fat one you cheap dime-store hood."

"What are you going to do, shoot us all?"

"No Ace, just you."

There's a pause, and I somehow find the strength to look at Ace. His face is ashen. He has to leave now, right? They all have to leave.

"We're going to get you for this."

"Maybe you will and maybe you won't."

"Oh we will. We're not going to forget this if that's what you think. This is big time, baby." As he turns away, he catches my eye and winks. I drop Chris' hand and take a step back. I wait until Ace is up the bank. Chris turns to Gordie and says something. I take a couple steps forward. Vern and Teddy come out from wherever they were hiding. Their voices sound like noise.

Without thinking, I climb the bank. There's no sight of them, or the car they drove here in. I step over the tracks to the woods and drop to my knees. I start dry-heaving, and it feels like I can't breathe. I can't stop heaving. I grab my stomach with one hand and push the hair from my face with the other. I only get up stomach foam, but it's better than nothing. I don't feel as sick.

"Cora?" I hear beside me. I glance to the left and see Chris kneeling beside me.

"He makes me sick," I groan.

It must be enough for him, because he forces out a laugh that sounds completely hollow. "That makes two of us." He takes my elbow. "Come on, let's go home." I nod and let him pull me to my feet.

Without another word, the five of us turn and go back down the tracks the way we came.

* * *

 **so movie-verse; so sorry; that will be over soon**


	10. Chapter 10

**everybody ready for a long, hot mess of chapter? I sure am; also, enjoy the end of the movie-verse!**

* * *

 _The delicate beginning rush  
_ _The feeling you can know so much  
_ _Without knowing anything at all  
_ _-Taylor Swift, Come Back…Be Here_

We barely speak to each other on the way home, and at first the silence makes me want to scream, but eventually it becomes nice. We agree to walk through the night, so we'll get home sooner.

We cross the long bridge, and we don't encounter another train, and I find myself having mixed feelings about it. We stop on the other side for a quick rest. There's a blister on the back of my heel, and I grit my teeth to keep from complaining, and breaking the silence we've been in for hours now.

Night falls, and my eyes get heavy. No one speaks of revoking our agreement, so I begin to count my steps. The numbers climb higher than I would have imagined, and when I lose count, I start again.

The sun is beginning to peak over the horizon when we reach town. We've only been gone two days, but somehow it looks smaller. The streets look narrower. The houses much more crowded.

We stop at our intersection and for a moment no one speaks. How long as it been since we spoke to each other? Was it really only a night ago we were enjoying ourselves by the fire? How could so much change so quickly?

"Well, see you in school."

The idea that school is starting in a week shocks my eyes open. I glance at each of the guys. They look as exhausted as I feel.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Junior high," I mumble, hurting my throat. I need a drink of water.

Vern is the first to turn and start for home. He stops in the street, bends down, and picks something up. Then he turns, a large smile on his face. "Penny!" he calls before he continues on.

Teddy sighs and shakes his head before turning back to us. "I better get home before my mom puts me on the Ten Most Wanted List." He pauses, and then turns to Chris. "No hard feelings, okay?"

Chris nods. "No way, man."

Teddy turns and makes his way home. As he's walking away, I swear I hear him singing. I shake my head and turn back.

"You know what?" Gordie says, breaking the silence, and finally taking his eyes off Teddy's retreating back.

"What?" I ask, pointlessly.

"It sounds fucking crazy," he starts slowly. "But I think they'll forget this ever happened."

I shiver even though the air is warm. I don't know how that would be possible. How could any of us forget this?

"You think?" Chris questions after a long pause. Gordie nods. "I didn't think about it like that."

"It seems impossible," I whisper.

There's another long pause before Gordie adjusts his bag over his shoulder. "I better get home, in case they've noticed I've been gone." Gordie gives Chris some skin, and then he leaves. It's just me and Chris, and I wouldn't mind standing on this corner forever.

"I'll walk you," Chris says, and I'm grateful. I don't know what I would do if I had to go alone.

We walk in silence for a couple of blocks. There are noises coming from the buildings. A car backfires somewhere behind us.

"Sometimes I worry that I'm never going to get out of this town," Chris says slowly, as if he's testing each word as it forms.

I turn to him. "Don't be _stupid_!" I tell him, my voice cracking from its lack of use. "You can do anything."

"Sure," He says, shaking his head. "I've been thinking about it though."

"Leaving?" I question. We're almost to the hill, and I'm worried we might never have a chance to continue this conversation.

"Yeah." He pauses, and I don't press him for more. I just wait. "I'm going to sign up for the college classes."

"Good. And we'll help you. We will."

"I'm going to need it."

"Shouldn't have been goofing off with Teddy and Vern," I joke, but it's true. I can't imagine it's going to be easy to help him.

"It probably doesn't matter," he says. "No one will take me serious. They'll think they're just wasting their time because I don't matter to them."

We're at the hill. I turn and look towards the house. This is awful. I wish we had a couple more blocks to go. Chris nudges me with his elbow. "I'll walk you," he repeats, and I can't help the smile that forces its way onto my face.

"How unexpected," I tell him as we begin the climb to my house. He shrugs.

We round the bend and my heart drops so suddenly my vision gets blurry. Chris grabs my arm and pulls me behind the tree line.

"They're back early!" I whisper, because surely they know I'm here. They know I'm gone.

"Give me your bag." Chris demands.

"Why?" I ask as I slide it off.

"Tell them you went to the drag races." He says. I nod. "Tell them you forgot something."

I nod again, and almost laugh. "Mom's going to kill me."

"You'll be okay." He gestures towards my bag. "I'll give it back on Monday."

Seeing how quick he is to help me causes a jolt to hit my stomach. And a new confession pops up so suddenly I don't have time to think about it, or plan it out, or stop it. I take a step forward. "You won't matter to a thousand people," I say. He looks surprised at my words. "But you matter to us." I hand him my bag. He takes it, still looking surprised. I take a deep breath. "You matter to me," I tell him before closing the space between us and kissing him. I hear the bag drop from his hand and I pull away before he has time to react in any other way.

But I notice he's smiling, and I take that as a good sign.

"I'll see you Monday morning," I whisper as I step away. He reaches out and grabs my arm, and tugs me back to him. His lips find mine quickly and I'm almost glad for our adventure.

I finally pull away fully and say goodbye again. He turns and starts down the hill, and I duck out from behind the tree and head home.

The moment the door opens, I hear mom's heels clicking against the floor and I freeze. If I don't move, the explosion can't hurt me.

" _Cordelia Marie Wilson_!" Mom yells. Her voice is like a dagger to my temple. Why does she have to be awake? Why does she have to be home at all? I stay where I am because the stairs are too far away and what would be the point? She knows I'm here anyway.

She comes around the corner and stops in her tracks. "Where the _hell_ have you been?" She shouts. I'm momentarily stunned by her cursing. She's obviously furious. "We got home and you were gone!"

I wait a moment, making sure she's actually waiting for an answer before I tell her, "I went to the drag races last night."

"I told you to stay here," she reminds.

"You told me I could leave!" I tell her, taking a step forward.

"Don't you interrupt me," she says. Her voice is low, and suddenly I'm on edge. What is happening? "I told you to stay inside and you disobeyed me."

"Mom," I interrupt, for real this time. "You said I could go out. All I did was go to the drag races. I wasn't even gone that long."

"All night isn't that long?" she questions. She crosses her arms over her chest and waits, actually _waits_ , for a response.

"I got home late last night," I lie. Thank God for Chris. "I left my cardigan there, and I went early this morning to see if I could find it, but it wasn't there."

"I've had just about _enough_ of this Cordelia. You're going to be thirteen in a month and it's time you start acting like it."

I run my hands through my hair, my fingers catching the knots along the way. "Mom, this is crazy! I just had a good time with my friends. I didn't burn down the church or anything." There's a silence, and it's long enough that I can hear dad upstairs. He's obviously trying to keep himself busy while we fight this out.

"We told you to stay away from those boys. They're giving you, and us, a bad name."

"They're only giving us a bad name because people like you are stupid enough to believe that _kids_ are bad!"

Her hand is up and striking my cheek so fast I don't have any reaction at all except the tears that spring up when the stinging starts. She points at me, her finger dangerously close to my face and I lower my eyes to the floor. "Don't you ever talk to me like that again," she tells me, her voice even lower.

I nod slowly. I want to rub my cheek, but I don't. The pain is almost nice, after everything that's happened; it's welcomed.

"After church, I'm going to talk to Mrs. Pritchard. She's going to be your English teacher this year, and she's going to be keeping an eye on you. I didn't think your teachers would have to watch you, but I will _not_ have you disgracing us. If she tells me you've been taking to those boys, if I even _think_ you've been talking to them, I'll send you to live with Aunt Linda, or anyone else away from here, faster than you can pack your bags. Do you understand me?"

"Mom," I start, managing to look up. I've never seen her so mad. She's never hit me before. My head is pounding.

"It's your decision Cordelia," she tells me. "I can have you on the way to Aunt Linda's tomorrow."

Which is worse? Never seeing them again, or being able to see them from a distance?

Neither of those options is good.

"I want to stay here."

"Good," she says, sounding almost surprised, and looking pleased. It's the happiest mom has looked talking to me in a long time. "Now get ready for breakfast."

* * *

 **btw: I have little idea where I'm going from here**


	11. Chapter 11

**aw yeah, the start of the train wreck**

* * *

 _And the least they ever gave you  
_ _Was the most you ever knew  
_ _And I wonder where these dreams go  
_ _When the world gets in your way  
_ _What's the point in all this screaming?  
_ _No one's listening anyway  
_ _-Goo Goo Dolls, Acoustic #3_

I climb the stairs slowly. The first thing I do is start running a cold bath. The second thing I do is take three aspirin. It's too many, but I just want to feel normal again.

I sit on the edge of the tub and watch the water. This noise doesn't hurt my head, and I wish I could leave it run forever, but mom's waiting for me downstairs. I strip out of my clothes quickly and climb into the water.

It shocks me awake, and immediately the water gets murky. I rub myself all over with just the water, and pull the plug. I quickly wash my hair and body with more soap than I should, and when I get out I almost feel like myself again.

I sit on the edge of my bed. It's so comfortable. I wish we weren't going to church because I just want to sleep. I want to sleep and wake up last week sometime and prevent all of this from happening.

Can mom actually make sure the teachers keep me away from the guys? It sounds almost ridiculous, but Castle Rock is a small town. And mom and dad are valued members of said small town; anyone would do anything to keep them happy.

I groan and force myself to stand. I turn on my small bedside radio, but the moment the lyrics from _Lollipop_ start filtering through the speakers, I snap it off again. The song reminds me too much of the adventure, and that reminds me too much of Chris.

My stomach flips at the thought of his name. My cheeks feel hot, and I wrap my towel tighter around myself. I kissed Chris no more than an hour ago. And he kissed me back! If my parents hadn't been home, who knows what would have happened.

I struggle to push him out of my mind. Every time I replay our kisses in my head, I get that jolt of something in my stomach, and I can't feel that. It'll just make it harder to stay away from him.

"Cordelia, are you ready?" mom calls up the stairs.

"I'll be right down!" I call back.

I quickly run my brush through my hair. It won't dry fast enough, so I braid it and lay it flat down my back. I go to the closest and pull out my nice, light yellow dress that mom picked out for me at the start of the last school year. It's her favorite, and what better way to show I'm playing by the rules than to dress the way she likes? I step into my brown flats and hurry downstairs.

"Sit down," mom says as she turns from the stove to me. A smile crosses her face and I'm relieved. "You look much better," she tells me. "I've always liked that dress."

I sit down across from dad, who nods approvingly. This is so strange. Is this all it really took? Just doing what I was told and being agreeable?

Maybe I should have done this a while ago. Maybe it would have saved me a lot of grief.

Mom sets down breakfast, and after dad gets his, I grab two bananas and a plate of eggs, all of which I eat quickly. I feel like I could eat a dozen more bananas, but I settle for a piece of toast.

Dad talks to mom about a business meeting he has tomorrow, and I sit quietly until they're done eating. I want to get up, but I don't ask to be excused. I lay my hands on my lap and drink my juice slowly. I don't think mom is pleased with how fast I ate, but it's been almost a full day since my last meal. I couldn't tell her that, of course, but I'll just be careful to eat slowly at lunch.

When they're finally done, mom drops the dishes in the sink. As we're getting ready to leave, I tell her I'll do the dishes when we get home and she smiles again. Mom hasn't smile at me this much in a long time.

I really should have been better.

After church, everyone gathers on the front lawn to chat. I completely dread it, but I allow mom to talk for me and instead of fighting it, I go along with it. I'm so tired I just want to go home as soon as possible, and if being cooperative will help me, I'll be cooperative.

It's been a weird day.

Mrs. Walker comes over as we're making our way to the parking lot. Her daughter, Christina, and I are in the same grade. While our moms start to talk, Christina and I find ourselves on the edge of the lawn.

"I'm so relieved to be outside," Christina says. She begins to fan herself with her hand. "Would it kill them to open a window?"

I shrug. "Maybe they think we'll get the sermon if we're sweating out of our clothes."

She laughs. Mom and Mrs. Walker move towards another group of woman a couple feet away. One of them is Mrs. Pritchard. I sigh and look away quickly. I pray mom's not talking to her now about watching over me. I don't want the whole town knowing.

"I have her for English, too," Christina tells me. I look back at her quickly. I shouldn't have been staring. I'm being way too obvious.

"I think everyone has her for English this year," I say, for the lack of anything better to say.

Neither of us speaks for a couple minutes. Christina grabs the front section of her hair and starts braiding it. The sun shining down on us makes it look almost white.

"I'm having a slumber party Friday," Christina says. I glance over at her. The braid she's done is crooked and I want to fix it for her. "Can you come?"

I glance over at mom quickly. I don't know how she would want me to respond, but considering Christina lives four houses down from us, I take a wild guess.

I turn back and plaster a smile on my face. "I'd love to."

It's been a _really_ weird day.

* * *

 **accidentally** **named her new friend a name that Chris can be a nickname for. oops. too bad I refuse to change it because I like it.**


	12. Chapter 12

**had to throw this in, because I hate everyone, including myself**

* * *

 _Can't blame you for thinking  
_ _That you never really knew me at all  
_ _I tried to deny you  
_ _But nothing ever made me feel so wrong  
_ _-Sterling Knight, What You Mean to Me_

Mom is ecstatic when I tell her about Christina's invitation. So much so, that after I do the dishes, she allows me to stay in my room and I sleep the whole day away.

I spend the week leading up to the slumber party helping mom do whatever it is she needs help with. When she doesn't need me, I sit in the garden or the den and read. I want to go out, but every time I start to mention taking a walk to Main Street, mom's eyes get dark and her movements get jerky. I know each time I ask, I'm only making things worse for myself. Once, after I tried to explain why I wanted to go after she told me no, I heard her on the phone with Aunt Linda. I know she wanted me to hear her, but it still hurt more than I realized it would.

It also scared me, because it shows she was serious. All I have to do is take one step out of line and I'm gone. She was serious. She'll really send me away.

So, I stop asking to do anything. I do the things that need done, and when there's nothing left, I read. For a little bit each day, I can forget. That's all I want to do, is forget.

I never should have gone to see Brower. I knew it all along, but the thought is really cemented when I wake up early one morning from a nightmare, where he's chasing me across the long bridge. There's a train behind us, only we're not running fast enough and the train eventually catches up to us.

I can't help but wonder if the others are having nightmares too.

Friday morning while I'm finishing the breakfast dishes, mom tells me we have to go into town. It's only been two days since I last asked to go, but the idea of going now doesn't sound appealing.

"What are we going for?" I ask as I turn away from the sink.

"I have to pick up some cloth, and you need a few dresses for school." She picks up her purse and the car keys. "Are you ready to go?"

I put the plate I'm holding in the dish drainer and follow her to the car. I don't know why we're driving, considering walking would only take a couple minutes, but I don't speak.

"Do you think _Stephanie's_ has a good selection this year?" I ask as we back out of the driveway.

"I sure hope so. I spoke to Mrs. Anderson on Monday and she told me they were widening their selection this year, due to the demand. It's about time, if I do say so. It's awful that every year you girls have such a limited selection! You all end up wearing the same thing!"

I nod along with what she's saying, but I don't think I've ever noticed. I have plenty of dresses that look fine and fit well in my closet. I don't want to be out here, I want to be home, in the garden, alone with my book.

I want to forget.

We get a parking spot right in front of the store and I ready myself for a long afternoon.

We enter the store and mom immediately sets to work. I see a lovely green dress by the door. It has long sleeves, and I love it. I take my size off the rack and carry it over to mom to get her approval.

"It would be lovely for winter!" she tells me. She's smiling, and it's reaching her eyes. It's only been a week, but the difference in her demeanor is shocking. Was she really so miserable because of me?

Everybody would just be happier if I stayed in place where I belong.

It takes over an hour, but we're finally done. In addition to the green dress, mom insists I get the blue one, and the pink one. She says it looks good with my complexion, and I nod, because I don't know a whole lot about my complexion or what looks good with it.

We approach the cash register. I set the dresses, with the shoes I picked out, on the counter. Mom turns to me. "Why don't you go next door and see if they have that new book you've been looking for?"

"It's okay mom."

She digs around in her purse and takes out thirty cents. "Buy it, and get me the new edition of Time if they have it." She hands me the money. "I'll meet you over there when I'm done."

I thank her and leave. For a moment, I can breathe. This is what I wanted, isn't it, to be on my own? But I feel like I'm being watched, so I duck into the drugstore quickly. I see the new edition of Time isn't out yet, so I walk to the books in the back. I'm not at all interested in the new John D. MacDonald. I listen for the bell. Surely mom will be done soon, and we can go home.

"Cora?"

I turn around quickly and freeze. Chris is standing there, smiling, and that stupid jolt goes through me before I can think about stopping it.

But seeing him also makes my eyes start to burn; if I burst into tears in this store I'll die.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his smile ebbing quickly.

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but I force it down. He won't understand. He won't get it. He'll think I'm being stupid. He'll tell me I'm being stupid, and I can't handle that. Even though I know Gordie is his best friend, he's mine and I can't handle him telling me I'm stupid.

He steps forward, and I take a step back. My ears are straining for the bell. Mom's going to be here any second. I'm going to be sent away. "Are you upset because of Sunday?" he asks. I swallow hard. "Because I'm not."

"You should probably just leave me alone Chris," I tell him. His smile is gone completely. I hate this. I hate all of this. "Nothing good can come of this."

"Cora-"

I shake my head. "Don't call me Cora." They're the only ones who do it, and if they stop, this will all be easier. "My name is Cordelia." I remind him.

He grabs my arm. "What's going on?" he demands. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I answer. "I'm fine."

He shakes his head quickly. His jaw is set, and I can't remember the last time he looked so serious. "No, you're not. What's wrong?" he asks again, quicker this time; his words are almost clipped.

"Just leave me alone Chris, please," I beg. I glance towards the end of the shelves. Any second mom could come in. Any second the bell could ring. If she sees us together, I'm done for. "I have to go." My throat is tight and it's a struggle to talk. Things are starting to get blurry, and I can't cry here. I can't do that to him.

I start to walk around him, but he grabs my arms, pulling me to a stop. "Chris," I start, but he steps forward and kisses me quickly. I can't cry with my eyes closed, and I'm grateful. Jolt after jolt goes through my stomach. I step closer to him; my hand grips the hem of his shirt.

The bell above the door chimes, and I push myself away from him. He starts to speak, but I turn on my heels and leave quickly.

I meet mom in the doorway and tell her quickly they didn't have when I was looking for. I pray Chris doesn't come out of the shelves behind me. Mom seems disappointed, but we leave.

I bite my tongue hard all the way to the car, and all the way home. Each time my mind drifts to Chris, I bite down harder.

We get home, and I never want to leave again.

I take my new clothes upstairs. I put them away in my closet and then I sit down at the edge of my bed. The tears come without warning. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Chris would kiss me and I'd have the strength to push him away.

* * *

 **sorry**


	13. Chapter 13

**this chapter is a hot, jumbled mess. the slumber party was a disaster to write, because slumber parties are the WORST to write. also, pain is not my intention, but I enjoy it**

* * *

 _And I am feeling so small  
_ _It was over my head  
_ _I know nothing at all  
_ _And I will stumble and fall  
_ _I'm still learning to love  
_ _Just starting to crawl  
_ _-A Great Big World, Say Something_

Friday when I wake up, I wonder if there's any way I could get out of Christina's slumber party. When I get downstairs for breakfast, I try to bring up the possibility to mom, but she's so excited about it I stop short. She's making pancakes, which she almost never does, and I know she's trying to be nice, so I decide to play along too.

The day goes by much too fast, and soon I have to get ready. I leave at five to five, and get to Christina's at exactly five o'clock. She opens the door, and smiles when she sees me. I can't imagine she's actually happy to see me.

"You made it!" she says, sounding surprised. She steps aside and I enter. I hear laughter and realize I'm not the first one here.

"I said I'd come," I remind her. She takes my bag and leads me to the kitchen, where I see the other girls, all five of them.

This is going to be a long night.

"Cordelia's here!" Christina tells the girls. They all look over and greet me.

"I love your dress," Amber Nelson tells me, leaning up on her elbows. She's crumpling whatever papers are in front of her.

I glance down. It's one of my new ones. I'm sure she's seen it at _Stephanie's_. "Thanks."

Christina ushers me towards an empty seat, and I'm suddenly between Ruth Bennett and Susan Fisher.

"I heard Christina invited you," Ruth says with a tone I recognize; it sounds like the tone Teddy used on Vern for years. I don't think she wants me here, and that's too bad for her, because I don't want to be here either; there's nothing she can say that will get to me.

"Well, I didn't just show up unannounced," I say, rolling my eyes. The twins, Judy and Joyce Wells who are sitting across the table from me, laugh into their hands. They are identical twins, and even this close I can't tell which one is which. Ruth blushes and turns away.

Susan has some magazine in front of her. She moves it towards me. It's _National Geographic_. "Look how big this is," she says quickly, twirling her red hair around her finger.

I look down. It's an article about Earth's largest living things. I glance up at her and laugh. "You like nature, huh?"

"She has the complete collection of that magazine," Amber tells me. Susan nods. "They're stacked around her bedroom. Its nuts."

"It's great!" Susan insists, throwing Amber a glare, but she laughs. It doesn't seem like they're actually fighting.

Oh god, why did I come here? These girls have been friends forever. What am I doing here?

Mrs. Walker enters carrying pizza, and I'm surprised they've splurged for this event. We eat quickly, and I'm thankful to have something to do besides talking. I let the girls do all the talking. I just try to absorb.

Amber is working on a story, which explains the paper around her. I think of Gordie, but push him out of my mind quickly. I can't keep doing this to myself. I let her explain to me the plot, which seems silly since she hasn't written it yet, and I'd rather read it, but I let her talk nonetheless.

Susan shows me more pictures from her magazine. Christina talks to me about the dresses down at _Stephanie's_. Judy and Joyce don't speak to me, or anyone really, but their silence isn't as loud as Ruth's. I just get the sense she doesn't want me here, and I don't know why. Then again, I don't really care.

The next thing I know, it's getting dark outside and Christina suggests changing into our pajamas. We take turns in the bathroom, and when Ruth exits, I fight to not laugh. Her pajamas are bright orange and look awful.

Maybe that's what she gets for being so rude.

After we all change and make our way to the living room, I quickly braid my hair. The girls watch in silence until I'm done.

"Can you do that for me?" Judy or Joyce asks quietly.

I shrug. "I can try." She jumps up and quickly sits down in front of me. Her hair is really soft; I don't know if the braid will hold.

"Are you taking the college classes?" I ask, grabbing another strand of hair and twisting it with the others.

She nods and it makes the braid crooked. I don't say anything about it.

"I heard the Chambers' boy is taking them." Ruth says with a snap of her gum. My stomach jolts, but I focus on the hair in front of me.

"How did you hear that?" Susan asks, turning a page in her magazine.

"Overheard it at the drugstore." I glance up and she's staring me down. I almost laugh. Shouldn't she be out directing traffic or something? "Is it true?"

"What makes you think I know?" I ask quickly, trying not to jerk Judy's (or Joyce's) hair too tightly. She's not the one pissing me off.

"You are his friend, aren't you?"

"Not anymore," I force out. I finish the braid. It's still crooked, but Joyce (Judy?) is pleased with it. My head is beginning to ache. If she says one more thing, I'm going to snap.

"I'm glad you decided to get smart," Ruth says.

I feel a jolt at the thought of Chris as I roll my eyes. Oh, I'm sick of her. "And when you learn orange is not a flattering color for anyone, _especially_ you, I'll say the same." The other girls start laughing, and Ruth blushes deeply. I'm surprised the others are laughing. Aren't they supposed to be her friend? Or is it possible they're laughing because they want to be my friend?

No, that's ridiculous! But the guilt hits me fast, and I hate that. I don't want to feel guilty. She's been rude all night. I sigh. I feel the need to fix my statement. "A darker shade would look better with your complexion."

"You think?" she asks softly. At least her tone has changed. I hope she keeps it that way. I don't know a lot about fashion, but I know a lot about what's an eyesore, and I won't hesitate to tell her she looks bad again.

"I do."

She smiles at me, and it's just a normal smile. I don't like being mean to people.

The rest of the night goes by without event. Everyone is nice to me, and it's not so bad. I can't help wonder how different a sleepover with the guys would have been? I certainly wouldn't have insulted their outfits.

I'm grateful when we finally go to bed. I've never had to try so hard to socialize before, and it's truly exhausting.

We're woken early Saturday by Mr. Walker. When everyone is up and dressed and fed, I make up an excuse to leave early. I thank all the Walkers thoroughly to make mom look good. The girls tell me they meet outside on the first day, always to the right of the stairs, and they promise they'll look for me. I thank them and leave.

Mom is surprised to see me home so early, and I tell her all the girls left early. She asks if I had fun and lights up when I tell her I did.

I stay inside the rest of the day and do the same Sunday. My stomach twists each time I think about school starting. On Monday I can barely force down breakfast. I don't want to go. I could pretend to be sick.

I walk to school. My new shoes squeak with each step, and I hate it. I see the school over the trees, and soon I'm crossing the street for it. It's bigger than the grade school. I wish this was just nerves. It would be easier.

I stop on the edge of the sidewalk. A truck speeds past, ignoring the posted speed limit sign, and a part of me wishes I had stepped backwards and let it hit me.

I see the girls on the right of the stairs, right where they said they'd be. "Cordelia!" Christina calls, holding up her hand and waving me over like I can't see her.

A flash of green to my left draws my gaze, and I see it's the guys. Teddy's in the same green shirt he was wearing when we-

I met Chris' gaze, effectively stopping my thoughts. I've seen that look in his eyes before. It's there the days he comes back to school after being absent because of his father. They're empty, and I don't know what did that to him. I've always known the cause. Is it because of me?

I wish I knew.

Christina calls for me again. I turn away and make my way over to her. I struggle not to look over again as we climb the stairs and enter the building.

It's going to be a long day.

* * *

 **next chapter has more interactions!**


	14. Chapter 14

**I refuse to believe they stopped being friends so fast. and I separated this chapter in four parts for a very specific reason that you will see in a bit**

* * *

 _Mummified my teenage dreams  
_ _No, it's nothing wrong with me  
_ _The kids are all wrong  
_ _The story's all off  
_ _Heavy metal broke my heart  
_ _-Fall Out Boy, Centuries_

Alphabetical order dictates my locker is after Judy's with Christina's on the other side of Joyce's, so we gather around our lockers while we compare our schedules. I have one of them in all of my classes except for English. I was hoping to be alone a bit more, but I don't know what I expected at a school this small. Why can't I go to school in the city? Then I'd never have to make friends.

After the schedules have been thoroughly examined, the others leave. I turn and start putting my stuff away, organizing my books based on time. I have gym last period, and I'm so happy I can just leave and get home to shower the sweat off.

"Cordelia?"

I turn around quickly and see Ruth standing behind me. How long has she been there? "Yeah?" I question carefully. I don't want to fight her today.

"I'm sorry about Friday," she says, blushing dark. Why is she apologizing? "I'm, I'm not good at being around new people."

I laugh. "I could tell," I tell her honestly. Her blush somehow manages to deepen. I shake my head. "Don't worry about it," I insist. I'm actually glad she's apologizing. I'm no good at being around new people either, but at least I'm not mean to them.

"I'll see you in class?"

I nod. "Yeah."

She leaves and I turn back to my locker. Okay, so that could have been worse. Maybe today won't be as bad as I think it will.

"Cora?" I hear behind me. I wish I could just finish my morning routine and get to homeroom. But the use of my nickname makes my stomach drop. I turn. Vern is standing there smiling so much it must hurt.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I reply slowly. "Nice shirt," I tell him. It's the truth – his shirt is black and surprisingly slimming – but I allow my voice and inflexion to cause uncertainty.

Vern, the boy everyone thinks is so stupid and slow, picks up on it immediately. His eyes grow wide and he glances down at himself quickly.

I close my locker and leave while he's still confused, and I realize what I'm going to have to do. I don't like it. I'm fighting to stay upright; I'm fighting not to leave for good.

I'm going to have to cut every tie with them, and I don't know how to do it without being a complete asshole.

Teddy comes up to me after Science, when I'm on my way to History. He hits my shoulder with his and I freeze. We're in the open. Everyone can see us.

I don't want to be sent away.

I grab him and drag him to the closest gap in the lockers. "What do you want?" I demand quietly, glancing over my shoulder. Anyone could see us.

He laughs, and I glance over my shoulder again. Can't he just be quiet? "I knew you couldn't resist me."

"Shut up Teddy."

He laughs again, and I flinch. "I know you were still Cora."

"My name is Cordelia," I remind him quickly. "And when I said shut up, I meant it. I want you to stay the hell away from me!"

He looks surprised, and I leave before he can speak or laugh again. I fight to not look back at him.

I can't help but wonder who will be next.

As it turns out, I don't have to wonder long. I take my seat in the history classroom and wait to see who else is in the class with me.

Gordie enters and I look away quickly. I grab my binder and pull out a blank sheet of paper. I make myself look busy so maybe he won't see me.

"Seat taken?" I glance up and see fate is not on my side today. I feel sick. I should go home and beg mom to let me stay home forever.

He's waiting for me to speak, and I wish he'd just leave. It was easier with Vern and Teddy, but not with him. I can't handle him too.

My eyes flicker to the door and I force myself to smile. "Yes," I tell him. I raise my hand. "Ruth, over here!" I call. She turns and smiles when she sees me. "I saved you a seat!" I nod to the seat next to me.

While she's on her way over, I turn to Gordie. "Sorry," I say, but I try not to sound sorry at all.

Gordie leaves and sits at one of the desks behind us. Ruth slides into the seat next to me and thanks me for saving her a spot.

I don't fight the urge to look back at Gordie. He's watching me.

I hate myself for this. I really do.

I manage to avoid Chris all day. We have Algebra together, but when I get to the classroom, Amber calls me over and I sit next to her. I force myself not to look over at him.

I go to my locker at the end of the day. The college classes are the only classes I have homework for. If none of this had happened, I'd probably be heading for the library with Chris and Gordie. I get a jolt, but I push it down. I can't keep getting these; they can't be healthy.

I put my books in my bag and pause. I feel someone watching me, and I turn around slowly.

This is exactly what I didn't want.

"Are you going to say something?" I ask Chris after a long moment of silence. I want it to come out harsher, but it doesn't. I don't know if I can do this again with him.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks, moving his books from one hand to the other.

I swallow hard. "I think you can guess."

"Talk to me," he begs. He takes a step towards me. If I could, I'd take a step back, but my locker makes that impossible. "Is it about the trip?"

"I never should have gone." I tell him quickly. "Going was the worst mistake I ever made. Everyone would be better off if I hadn't gone." I almost want to tell him, but he'll tell me I'm being stupid, I know he will. I don't want him to think I'm stupid.

"Cora-"

I shake my head and he cuts himself off. "Don't talk to me." He starts to speak, but I shake my head again "If, if there _was_ anything between us, you'd do this for me. Just leave me alone, Chris, please," I beg. It would just be easier if he stopped now, while we were both ahead.

"You can't do that. You can't just start something and then do _this_!" He shouts the last word. I flinch. If he won't drop it, I'll have to make him. I don't want to pull this, but it looks like I have to.

"Stay away from me, Chambers."

I turn on my heels quickly, but not quick enough to miss the hurt that flashes across his face. I feel tears stinging the back of my eyes, and I hate myself for what I've done.

Maybe it wasn't worth it, after all.

* * *

 **I don't know what the fuck I'm doing**


	15. Chapter 15

**1\. this references the novella a bit. I love when I can throw that kind of stuff in.**

 **2\. also, warning for harassment**

* * *

 _Do you feel like a man  
_ _When you push her around?  
_ _Do you feel better now  
_ _As she falls to the ground?  
_ _-The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Face Down_

The days pass slowly. Every day is a struggle; a struggle to get up, to get going, to work hard, to be a good friend, to be a good daughter, to fall asleep and start all over the next day.

But the days pass, and then the weeks. Things fall into a pattern.

The guys have stopped trying to talk to me. Every so often I caught one of them looking over at me. More than once I've been caught looking their way. It's always on the tip of my tongue to tell them the truth, especially Chris, but I can't.

He hasn't tried speaking to me since the first day of school.

By the end of the month, I feel myself slipping into a routine. Mom and dad are much happier. Mom smiles more and dad isn't at work as often. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm suffocating while I'm home. Sometimes.

The girls have welcomed me into their group, and maybe it's my disillusioned outlook on life, but they seem to look to me for things. Christina tells me one morning I'm her best friend when I lend her a bobby pin. It sends a jolt through me because it makes me think of Chris.

I'm pushed to the head of the group without any consultation and I have no idea how to lead. I was always the one at the end.

It's the end of September. I'm looking forward to October, for the cooler weather and my birthday. Joyce and Judy are talking. I'm waiting for Christina so we can go to homeroom together, when Ruth comes running up to us.

"Did you see what happened?" she demands quickly.

"You have to be more specific," I tell her as I turn back to my locker to grab my books. Judy or Joyce laugh, and I can picture Ruth's blush immediately.

"Your old friends look like they got hit by trucks." Ruth says.

"What?" Joyce or Judy asks. "What happened?"

"I've heard a bunch of stories," of course you have, you gossip, "but the most popular seems to be they had a run in with the Cobras."

One of the twins gasp, and my heart starts to pound. Ace said he'd get us, and if what Ruth is saying is true, he made good on his promise.

My blood freezes. I hear words coming from the girls, but it just sounds like noise. My head starts to ache; it hasn't hurt this bad since our trip.

I could be next.

I'm still there, facing my locker wide-eyed and terrified, when Amber and Christina meet us. Amber says Susan is out with the flu. The first bell rings, and we have three minutes to get to homeroom. I close my locker and turn.

"Are you alright?" Christina asks. "You look sick too."

"I'm fine," I tell her slowly. "Let's get to homeroom."

I see Teddy and Vern together after second period. They're a bit bruised, but seeing Gordie is worse. Two of his fingers are in casts and his nose is completely black and blue; in fact, his whole face is.

He catches me looking, and for a moment it looks like he's going to say something, but I turn around. I can't stand seeing him looking like that. I wonder which one did it to him.

But it's nothing compared to seeing Chris. We normally pass each other in the hallway between lunch and fifth period, and normally I keep my eyes on the ground, but today I'm looking for him.

His face is just as bruised as Gordie's. His arm is in a sling, and I'm grateful it's his left because he'd be kicked out of the college classes for sure if he couldn't keep up with the work, even if it was because of an injury.

He stops in front of me, and we just stare at each other for a moment, the other kids moving around us without looking and I'm almost grateful. I don't care if they see us. Not now. I've never seen Chris look this bad, even when his dad was on a real bender.

"Chris," I start, but the sound breaks the hold on me. I take a step back and turn quickly, heading the wrong way. I can't go to class. I can't be in the same room as him. I won't be able to concentrate on anything _but_ him.

I spend History in the girls' bathroom, terrified I'm going to get caught, but I _can't_ be in the same room as him. If I was there, I wouldn't be able to stay quiet. And if anyone saw me talking to him, I'd be gone.

At least I can still see him while I suffer.

Amber has a meeting with Mr. Lawrence, the science teacher, after school, but she asks me to meet her at the drugstore afterwards. She wants to buy a new journal and she asked me to help her pick one out. I can't imagine there are very many to choose from, and I doubt I'll be much help. If there are any that are teal, I'll tell her to get that one since it's her favorite color.

I'm rounding the corner to the main street when a hand comes out. I hit the arm hard and am stunned momentarily. The flash of blonde that comes around startles me into clarity.

"Hello princess," Ace says, leaning against the wall next to me. I take a step back quickly, and his smirk grows. My heart is pounding. I knew this would happen. I knew I'd be next, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I thought…I don't know.

But I don't think he's here to beat me up.

"You like to cause trouble, don't you?" he questions, his voice low. I wish he was yelling. I wish he'd start swinging. I'd rather be punched than have to listen to him.

I take another step back, but he grabs my arm tight. "You're not going anywhere," he tells me. "You and your little shit friends caused a lot of trouble for me." He squeezes my arm.

"Let me go," I beg.

He raises his eyebrows quickly and holds me tighter. "If you weren't a girl, I'd kick the shit out of you."

"I have a friend meeting me," I tell him through my teeth. "And if I don't meet her she'll look for me."

He laughs and pushes me against the wall. "I'm sure," he says lazily, stepping closer to me. Another step and he'll be pressed against me. The very thought makes me gag. His hand tightens even more, and I'm terrified he's going to break my arm.

He takes that last step, and now he's pressed against me. I can smell the sweat and oil on him, and I feel sick.

I turn my head away, and close my eyes. I feel him bend down. His lips brush my neck, and the goosebumps than rise are not good ones. I feel sick. My heart is pounding.

"Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you?" he ask, his voice a low whisper.

A thousand things race through my mind, every one of them worse than the last, so I do the only thing I can think of.

I thrust my knee upward.

I hear him grunt as it makes contact. I don't know where I've hit, but it causes him to let go of me and I move around him as quickly as I can. I hit the main road and jog towards the drugstore. I don't look behind me. I don't want to see him if he's there.

I enter the building, and Amber looks up from the stationary section. She smiles when she sees me, and motions me over. I take a deep breath and go over, trying to act like nothing has happened.

I help her pick out her journal and we leave. I can't stop looking over my shoulder. Any minute he's going to pop up and grab me again. I can't have that. I won't be able to get away a second time.

"Are you okay?" Amber asks.

"I'm fine," I say automatically.

"Are you sure you're not getting sick?"

"I'm fine," I say again, only quicker this time.

She shrugs, and we walk in silence until we go separate ways. I stop on the porch and rub my arms. I can still feel him on me.

I hope that was enough for him.

* * *

 **fuck Ace, for real**


	16. Chapter 16

**nothing says fun like being a shitty person. also, welcome to the shortest chapter. sorry**

* * *

 _Sun is up, I'm a mess  
_ _Gotta get out now  
_ _Gotta run from this  
_ _Here comes the shame  
_ _Here comes the shame  
_ _-Sia, Chandelier_

When I get inside, mom calls out for me. I want to pretend I didn't hear her, but I follow her voice and find her in the kitchen. She tells me we've been invited to the Palmer's for dinner. Their son, Roy, is in my grade. He's nice enough, but after everything that's happened, I tell mom I'm not feeling good.

She checks my temperature, and says I feel warm. I can tell she's disappointed, but she also admits I look pale, so she sends me upstairs.

I go to the bathroom and run myself a bath. I make the water as hot as it'll go. There's still a lingering smell of oil and sweat, and I don't know if it's on me or in me, but I want it gone. I want it all gone.

I lay down in the tub, and the water burns me, but it feels good. I lie back further, and slide under the water. I want to stay here until I disappear. I should have known better. I shouldn't have been so stupid. Why am I so stupid?

I break the surface without realizing it, and my lungs are grateful for the air. I should have stayed under. Everything would be better if I had stayed under. I shake my head, and the motion makes things seem clear.

I clean myself multiple times, and when the smell finally fades, I get out and change into my pajamas.

I just need to sleep this whole thing off.

The next morning I force myself to go to school. It's Friday, and if I can make it through today, I will be home free for two whole days.

Christina meets me at the lockers. The twins aren't here yet, so it's just the two of us. She starts talking to me about the English homework when she stops mid sentence, and glances down. I look too, but there's no stain or wrinkle on my dress, so I don't know what she's looking at. She continues talking, but glances one or two more times before the twins show up. I can't figure out what she's looking at. Why is she being so weird?

I'm doing fine, until English. I hear someone say the word princess and I feel sick. My heart starts to pound and my throat gets tight. I feel like I can' breathe. This has never happened before.

I can't help but glance over my shoulder between classes. I'm so certain I'm going to see Ace every time that my heart pounds in anticipation. Of course, I never see him, but that doesn't stop the pit from growing larger and large in my stomach with each passing hour.

I enter history and I'm happy to see it's almost empty. I wish I could skip it. I might skip lunch. Maybe I could go to the nurse and tell her I'm sick. She'll let me lay down for the period, and then I can go right to Home Economics and pretend everything is okay. I could be alone for forty minutes.

I sink into my chair and drop my head in my hands. I shouldn't skip lunch. It'll only make the girls worry. I hope Christina's going straight home today. I don't want to walk home alone today or ever again, if I can help it.

The desk behind me squeaks as someone sits down. "Cora?" I hear. Why is Gordie behind me? Why isn't he in his seat? Instead of turning, I ignore him. I've told them not to call me that. How hard is it to remember? Why can things never go my way?

"Cora?" he repeats. I lift my head slightly and glance towards the door. Ruth is going to be here any second.

I hear him sigh. "Cordelia."

I turn, and I quickly realize I shouldn't have. His bruises look even worse up close; his broken nose has also given him a black eye.

"What happened?" he asks, leaning forward on the desk, wincing slightly. There must be bruises I can't see. I wish Ace had just beat me up, I really do. That would be better than this sick feeling.

I force myself to roll my eyes. "What are you talking about?" I demand.

He gestures with his good hand. I twist slightly as I glance down to where he's pointing. My face burns, and the pit becomes larger when I see the bruises on my arm

They look like fingers. They look like _his_ fingers.

I try to swallow, but my throat is too tight. I didn't notice them. No wonder Christina was staring this morning.

"What happened?" he asks again, quickly.

I look up at him. I feel the fear rising in my chest. I can picture Ace standing there, holding me against the wall. I force myself to take a breath and pray my voice stays steady. "You aren't the only ones that had to deal with him."

His eyes widen. "What-"

"He said he'd get us," I remind him.

His eyes narrow. "Ace?" he asks, and I lower my eyes without thinking. "Even after you saw us, you still tried to stand up to him? You're so stupid-" I look up at him and he cuts himself off, but it's done. He's said exactly what I knew already. If he thinks I'm stupid for this, he probably thinks I'm stupid for a lot of other stuff. And if he thinks it, the others must too. They all think I'm stupid. I am stupid.

"Hey-"

"Go back to your seat before we get in trouble."

"Cora-"

"Get the hell away from me, Lachance."

At first he doesn't move, he just watches me. I refuse to back down, and finally he gets up and moves back to his seat.

I can't take much more of this.

* * *

 **I think there will be a time jump soon but I don't know**


	17. Chapter 17

_**possibly**_ **the last chapter for the seventh grade**

* * *

 _Explain to me this conspiracy against me  
_ _And tell me how I've lost my power  
_ _I thought that we'd make it  
_ _Because you said that we'd make it through  
_ _And when all security fails  
_ _Will you be there to help me through?  
_ _-Paramore, Conspiracy_

I manage to make it through the day and I walk home with Christina. She's ecstatic I've asked her, which is odd considering we've walked home together before. But if she's happy, I guess I'm happy.

"Cordelia?" Mom calls when I shut the door. I made it home safe today, and the relief I feel makes me a bit woozy.

I hate Ace.

"Hi mom," I call back. I slide my shoes off and find her in the kitchen. She's at the stove, and something smells delicious.

She smiles when she sees me, and this one reaches her eyes. They all have lately. I get a jolt, only this time is guilt. Will I ever stop feeling guilty?

"I hope you're feeling better," she tells me. I nod. "Good, because I'm making meatloaf."

I take a step forward and glance through the oven door. "Really?" I ask as my stomach growls. "You never make meatloaf!" Dad doesn't really like it, and I always figured that was the reason she didn't make it often.

"I want you to know I see you trying," she tells me. She turns to me and wipes her hands on her apron. It feels like my heart skips a beat. I knew she noticed I stopped talking to the guys, but I didn't know she knew I was trying to be a good daughter; the daughter she deserves. This validation feels great.

I can't remember the last time I felt so good because of something mom has said.

"Thanks," I tell her, my throat tight. She smiles again, and goes back to dinner. I take my books to my room and set them down on the desk. It's Friday, and I don't feel like working on any homework tonight.

I hear the phone ring. I let mom answer it, but I'm surprised when she calls up that the phones for me.

I head back to the kitchen. Mom isn't there, and I pick up the receiver.

"Hello?" I question. I have no idea who would be calling me.

"Hi Cordelia, its Susan."

I smile. I might hate a lot of things, but I can admit I like phone calls. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better. Dr. Herbert said I'm not contagious anymore, and she said I can go back to school on Monday."

I don't know where it comes from, but I laugh. "I bet you're looking forward to that."

She laughs too. "It's better than being nauseous all day," she tells me. "Would you like to come over after dinner to help me with the science homework? I'm totally lost."

I sigh. I really didn't want to do any homework tonight, but I agree quickly. "I'll be over around seven, and you'll be able to calculate everything by the end of the night."

"Thank you!" she says quickly. "I'll see you then."

We hang up. I go to the kitchen to tell mom about my plans. She's pleased. Maybe I should make it a point to see one of the girls every week.

I join mom at the stove and help her finish dinner. When dad gets home, we eat, and it's delicious. I wish we could have meatloaf more often.

I do the dishes, and by the time I'm done, it's almost time for me to leave. I check myself in the mirror, and then I leave. It's a quarter to seven, and I arrive at Susan's at seven exactly. I like her house. Her mother is playing music in the living room, and I can just hear it in Susan's bedroom.

We work until nine-thirty, and I think she understands the calculations. I get ready to leave, but I stop in the entrance way. I don't know where the idea comes from, but I turn to her and say, "Let's go to the drugstore tomorrow. I'll call the others and I'll treat you."

Susan smiles and she doesn't look as tired as she did a few minutes ago. "Sounds good to me; I'll get chocolate."

I smile and roll my eyes. "I'm not surprised."

"And what, you'll get vanilla?" she jokes.

"Of course I will, it's delicious and it's not as sweet."

"Milkshakes are supposed to be sweet!"

I shake my head. "You're ridiculous."

"At least I don't get plain milkshakes."

I roll my eyes again and leave, waving over my shoulder as I go.

Halfway home, I find myself glancing over my shoulder. I don't know why. No one's there, but I wonder if I'm going to look over my shoulder forever now.

I call the girls the next morning, and everyone agrees to meet up at the drugstore after lunch. I tell mom our plans, and she's happy again. I find myself actually looking forward to this. I'm excited for this. It's strange, but I like it.

I get ready quickly and leave.

My feelings of excitement change drastically as I'm walking down Elm Street. I see him going into The Mellow Tiger. Despite the cool air, sweat pops up around my temples. Goosebumps rise without warning and I can't look away from him until he's inside.

Panic rises in my chest. Did he see me? Is he going to come after me?

I hurry down Elm and turn down First. I just have to make it to Main and I'll be fine. I'll be at the diner, and even if he comes for me, I'll be safe. I just have to-

"Hey!" I hear behind me. My stomach drops, and things get blurry on the edges of my vision. He's seen me. It's going to be worse. Why didn't I walk with someone to the drugstore?

"Wilson!"

I turn, only because I'm shocked at the use of my last name. The guys are there behind me. What are they doing here?

"What's going on with you, you freak?" Teddy demands. He's the one that called me Wilson. The hurt cuts deep, but I deserve it.

"Stop it," I tell him. "I've made it clear."

They keep walking towards. Why can't they just make it easy?

"God, you are such a girl," Teddy says, rolling his eyes.

I start to tell him to shut up, but I can't force it out. It's different now.

Chris closes the gap between us and grabs my arm. It's right where Ace grabbed me. It hurts; his fingers must be pressing against the bruises.

He steps forward, and his grip tightens. I suddenly smell oil and sweat. Things get fuzzy again. My chest feels tight. I can't breathe.

I do the only thing I can think of, which is to jerk myself away from him. My arm is throbbing. "Get away from me!" I shout.

Chris takes another step forward. He starts to speak, but he also reaches for me again. This time as I jerk away, I hit him, hard, on the cheek with the back of my hand. I don't even know how it happened, but the noise and the sting in my hand make it clear it's definitely just happened.

Everything freezes. Chris brings a hand up to touch his cheek. He looks up at me with those empty eyes reserved for his father, but now they're for me. I did this, and it might be the last thing I need to break away.

"Leave me alone," I tell them. My voice is low, and I wish I was shouting. They won't listen to me any other way.

I see red starting to spread across Chris' cheek as I turn. I feel so guilty my head is spinning. I didn't even know that was possible.

A thought pops into my head as I turn the corner, and it lessens the guilt just slight. I'll just have to keep repeating it, and maybe one day the guilt will disappear.

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

* * *

 **I almost feel guilty for posting this chapter**


	18. Chapter 18

**chapter jumps around a lot; figured this would be the best way to show time passing without writing a hundred chapters, even though there's much more to come**

* * *

 _Nobody said it was easy  
_ _No one ever said it would be this hard  
_ _Oh, take me back to the start  
_ _-Coldplay, The Scientist_

I make eye contact with the boys by accident now. I feel almost nothing when I see them. Teddy glares, Vern stares, and Gordie's confused.

It's Chris that hurts, because when I see him, there's nothing. It's like he doesn't recognize me anymore.

And that's just fine, because I don't even recognize myself.

"That dress looks lovely on you!" Mom cries out when I leave the dressing room. "Your taste has certainly grown." She looks close to tears, and I'm genuinely surprised. It's just a dress for a wedding we're going to in May. And there's nothing special about it, really.

It's a knee length dress with three-quarter sleeves. The skirt is frilly, frillier than I usually like, and the top is a thick lace. It's a pale purple, and I honestly didn't think mom would like it, but I really wanted to try it on.

"You look beautiful!" she tells me, standing and moving closer. I look around. Why is she getting so emotional? I'm not the one getting married. "I'm so glad you listened to me. Just keep it up and everything will continue being perfect!"

She leaves me to change back into my clothes. I guess I'm getting this dress. We drove all the way to Portland for this? It seems almost like a waste of a day.

* * *

I'm heading back to my locker after lunch when I see Teddy coming the other way. It's easy now to look like I don't care about seeing him.

But he changes his course and bumps his shoulder into mine, hard. I drop my book and it lands with a loud _thud_.

"The fuck?" I demand. I'm almost grateful there are no teachers around, because I would surely get a detention for that curse.

"Watch where you're fucking going, Wilson!" he shouts over his shoulder. "Learn to open your damn eyes."

"That's rich coming from you, four-eyes!" I call after him as he turns the corner. I grab my book quickly and continue to my locker. I'm so mad I begin to shake. I have to try twice to open my locker, and when I manage, I slam the door back and kick it hard. The pain in my foot dulls my anger slightly.

I never thought it would happen, but I guess my plan worked in the end.

Teddy bumps into me, again, as hard as he can. My books fall to the ground. Usually I see it coming, but this time I was distracted be Susan's story.

"You are such a _freak_ , Duchamp!" Amber calls over her shoulder.

Teddy turns and gives them the finger. Vern laughs into his hand. Susan surprises me by returning the gesture.

I quickly gather up my books and we continue to my locker.

We turn to the next hallway and I'm relieved they're out of sight. I just want to grab my stuff and leave for the day. I'm sick of being here.

But I'm surprised; the girls have never said anything before.

"I hate him," Amber says loudly. "Why can't he just leave you alone?"

"It's not in his nature to be nice," I tell them.

Susan snorts. "Well, you'd know better than any of us."

"Just because you didn't want to be their friend anymore doesn't give them the right to be asses," Amber adds.

"Who's an ass?" Christina asks as we come up to my locker.

"Duchamp," I tell her as I twirl my lock open.

She slams her locker shut. "Why is he always glaring?" she demands. "Like, what is his problem?"

"What's _all_ of their problems?" Amber amends. This is going a bit too far.

"Let's stop talking about it," I tell them. No one argues. No one ever argues. "Let's just focus on math and pizza."

"Sounds good to me," Joyce says, popping her head around her locker door.

I gather my stuff and start to leave without a word, and without looking behind me. The others follow quickly, just like they always do.

* * *

I hang up the phone. Ruth has been talking about how much harder the classes and the homework are this year, and really I don't see why she's surprised. It's a new year; we're older, the classes get harder.

I let her vent, because I snapped at her in history and I was feeling bad. When she called, I thought she was going to tell me off about it. I'm waiting for the day the girls get fed up with my inability to be nice all the time.

But she was calling for a different reason, and I let her go on until I realized I had been listening to her for forty minutes. Then I made up an excuse and hung up.

I don't like talking on the phone that much anymore, now that I get a call almost every day from one of the girls. I spend all day with them at school, why do we have to talk at home too?

The phone rings, and I flinch back, surprised. That's never happened to me before. I pick up the phone. "Hello?" I ask, expecting it to be Ruth, but instead I hear a guy's voice on the other end.

"Cordelia?" the voice asks. "It's Roy; Roy Palmer."

"Hi Roy," I say slowly. This is the first time a boy has ever called me. Shouldn't I feel excited, or nervous? Because all I'm feeling is confused.

"I was just wondering if you had a partner yet for science class yet?" he asks. I feel my face blush, and now comes the rush of excitement.

I do notice, however, there is no jolt.

"I don't yet, no," I tell him. I almost smile. "Why?"

"Do you want to be mine? I did pretty good last year, and I heard you did too."

I'm glad mom's not around. She thought my straight A's were a little much. She told me not to work so hard or others would be intimidated.

"Sure," I tell him.

"Great! I'll see you tomorrow in class."

I say goodbye and hang up. This seems like something mom would love to hear about, but I don't plan on telling her. I don't want to share this. I don't want her to ruin it.

* * *

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

The feeling pops into my head without warning. We're driving back from our summer vacation in Washington. I'm ready to be home. I'm sick of pretending I'm funny or interesting or nice to please our family. I just want to go home and go back to myself.

It's crossing the bridge, I think, that makes the thought pop up. It's hot in the car, and the water below us looks inviting.

If I jumped from here, surely I wouldn't survive.

It's as high up as the train tracks we crossed almost two years ago. Maybe it's the thought back to them that causes it, or maybe it's just the fact I want to jump, but I want out of here.

I take a deep breath. Dad looks back at me through the rearview mirror, but I pretend not to see him.

The rest of the way home, the whole two hours, I repeat the same thing over and over, like I always do when things get too intense.

* * *

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

I'm with the girls at the drugstore, having end of summer treats, all of us complaining about the first day of high school tomorrow, when I see Ace through the window.

It's the first time I've seen him since the day of _the incident_ almost three years ago. I've forgotten the sick feeling I get because of him, but suddenly my vanilla milkshake is threatening to come up.

He glances into the window and sees me. He smirks and winks once before continuing on his way. My stomach begins to ache, and I can faintly smell sweat and oil. I feel sweat gathering at the base of my neck.

Someone says something, but I can't hear them over my heart pounding in my ears. Why can't I get over this?

* * *

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

The bell rings, and the classroom cheers, I groan in my seat as people jump up and run out of the room. It's only the end of tenth grade, what does it matter, really? In three months we'll be right back in this building, with the same teachers, in the same classrooms.

Nothing ever changes.

Judy and Joyce meet us at our lockers, talking quickly about the end of year barbecue their parents agreed to throw tonight. All of the girls are going, and our families, and about twenty other people. I'm absolutely dreading it, and they know it, but I don't tell them again. Only two years left, I remind myself.

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

* * *

 **btw: I'm bad at math**


	19. Chapter 19

**start of junior year; should be a fun time. I love mean Cora. also, pay little attention to the song, it's been longer than eighteen months**

* * *

 _Sew this up with threads of reason and regret  
_ _So I will not forget.  
_ _I will not forget  
_ _How this felt one year, six months ago  
_ _I know I cannot forget.  
_ _-Yellowcard, One Year, Six Months_

The alarm goes off at exactly six o'clock, like it does every morning. I hear mom moving around downstairs, and I groan as I force myself out of bed.

I wash my face and brush my teeth quickly. Mom set out my first day outfit yesterday. She asked for my opinion, of course, and we agreed on the pale purple dress with white socks and black shoes.

She even bought me a matching headband.

I finish getting ready and stand in front of my mirror, looking at myself closely. My hair is straighter, my posture better, but there's something else that I can't put my finger on. I'm different, and I'm still unsure if that's a good thing or not.

"Hurry, Cordelia!" mom calls from downstairs. "You don't want to be late for your first day of junior year!"

"I'm coming!" I call back. I turn back to the mirror. "I just have to make it to graduation," I remind myself. I adjust my headband. This is a good as it's going to get. "I just have to get to graduation."

I head downstairs and find mom and dad in the kitchen. Mom places an egg and a piece of toast on my plate and I force myself to eat. I know if I don't, I'll regret it when my stomach growls in the middle of second period.

"I spoke to Mrs. Swift after church last Sunday," mom says as she slides into her chair. I look up at her, waiting. "She's going to be your homeroom and Chemistry teacher. She's agreed to keep an eye on you. I don't think it's necessary this year, but I wanted to be safe. You understand, don't you, Cordelia?"

"Of course mom," I agree quickly.

Mom smiles, and it dawns on me I haven't seen one of her fake smiles for a long time. Years, maybe.

"Good girl," she says, still smiling.

I go back to my food, and when I'm done, I kiss mom goodbye and leave. Christina is waiting for me at the bottom of the hill.

"Morning," I say when I see she isn't looking in my direction.

She turns around quickly. "How do you like my dress?" she asks. She spins once, and I shrug. "It's a nice color. I think an empire hem would look better, but it's nice."

She smile ebbs slightly, and despite the fact I'm being honest, I feel a little bad for my bluntness

"Come on," I tell her. I try to smile. "You don't want to be late, do you?"

That's all it takes for her to get going. Christina is in line to win perfect attendance for high school, and that's pretty impressive. I've told her so, anytime I'm feeling sick, because she never gets sick. I don't know what it is, but she's either the healthiest, or the luckiest girl in town.

"Do you think we'll have a lot of classes together this year?" she asks as we approach the high school. I'm so sick of this building.

I'm ready for graduation.

I shrug again as we take our place on the right of the staircase. Some traditions never change. "Probably," I tell her. "There are only so many class options for the college classes."

"I wish I had thought to take French. Taking Spanish is going to blow!"

I'm actually happy none of the girls thought to take French, because that means I'll be in the class alone. I won't have to worry about picking partners or seats, or anything like that. I can just pay attention.

Judy and Joyce arrive next. They've finally stopped wearing matching clothes, so it's much easier to tell them apart. I can finally call them by their names when speaking to them. It's nice.

Amber and Susan come over together. We're just waiting on-

"There's Ruth," Judy says. I glance up and spot her immediately. I hold my tongue until she joins us.

"Didn't I tell you orange is a hideous color?" I ask.

She blushes. I raise an eyebrow. "I tried telling mom, but she won't listen. She says is spunky."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," I say, even though she looks like a traffic cone.

We quickly compare schedules, and I see I was right, I don't have any of them in French with me, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see I'm free in English too.

All of my other classes, however, I'm not so lucky.

There are shouts coming from the other side of the stairs, and without meaning to, I glance over. All I see is Vern in a headlock before I look away.

The first bell sounds before I accidentally look again. We have ten minutes to get to homeroom.

We split up in the entrance. Unlike junior high, there seems to be no real reason behind our locker placements, so I'm alone in the middle of the east hall.

After a quick trip to my locker, I go to homeroom. Mrs. Swift greets me, and I'm friendly to her only so she has nothing negative to say to mom.

I save Ruth a seat, and it almost makes up for what I said. It's enough for her; it's always enough for all of them.

The morning goes by quickly, and by lunchtime I'm starving. I grab myself a sandwich and a cup of soup and sit down at our usual table. Lunch seems to be the only time throughout the whole day that we're all together. Then again, each grade as lunch together, so there's no escaping it.

I'm almost done with my food by the time Susan sits down. I glance over at her tray. "Did you get a double order of fries?"

She blushes, and I know right away the answer is yes. The fingers on her right hand twitch, and I know she's nervous. "I'm feeling anxious about today."

"Can I have a couple?" I ask, smiling. She smiles quickly and pushes her tray towards me. I take only a couple and set them on my tray. Believe it or not, I'm not a complete monster.

After lunch is French, which is as nice as I thought it would be. But after that is Chemistry, and not only do I have Christina, I see quickly I'm also trapped with Chris and Gordie.

Something tries to shoot through me when I see them, but I've gotten good at forcing them down.

I can't seem to stop the dreams though.

Mrs. Swift enters the room, and she paces around the desks. She tells us tomorrow we'll have assigned seats, and continues to the rules for our lab experiments before anyone can complain.

At the end of the day, I walk home with Christina like usual. I always make myself walk home with her, because there are days I swear I smell oil and sweat, even though I know I'm making it up. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

All in all, today hasn't been a bad day.


	20. Chapter 20

**who didn't see this coming, I mean, really?**

* * *

 _Though I've never been  
_ _Through hell like that  
_ _I've closed enough windows to know  
_ _You can never look back  
_ _-FUN, Carry On_

As it turns out, Tuesday is not a good day.

It starts out small, with a nightmare. I've been getting them more and more frequently. There's a whistle, and a bridge, and screaming.

I'm not stupid, I know what it is. I just can't focus on it too long. I never think about it for too long.

Somehow I manage to fall asleep, but I'm exhausted when I wake up. I look terrible, and even though I do my best with my outfit and makeup, mom still asks if I'm sick when I go down to breakfast.

I lie and tell her yes. She tells me to take it easy and to come home if I need to. I eat my breakfast slowly and go outside to meet Christina.

She's obviously running late, seeing as she's not at our meeting spot. I wait a couple minutes, and finally she appears, walking fast.

"Sorry!" she says as she approaches. "I-" she stops and I raise an eyebrow. "Are you alright?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" she asks, and there's something about the way she says it that makes me want to tell her about the nightmares. There's genuine concern in her voice, and maybe it's always been there and I've never noticed, but it's there.

"I'm not feeling good." I tell her, lying again. We start walking. We're going to be cutting it close if we don't get a move on.

"If you need anything-"

"I'll let you know." I turn to her, and I smile before I can think twice about it. "Thank you."

The smile she gives me in return is wide, and I'm glad she doesn't respond. It takes all of my control to keep my mouth shut on the way to school.

I try to keep this grateful attitude about me all day, but it gets hard when the others aren't as subtle with their surprise about my appearance.

Really, it can't be that bad.

I tell them I'm not feeling well, the third lie of the day, and tell them to knock it off. They get quite quickly before the subject gets changed.

By the time we get to Chemistry, my patience is wearing thin, and it's obvious to Christina, because she sits down and stays quiet. Maybe it's not fair, but I'm not really in the mood to be fair today.

Or ever, to be honest.

Mrs. Swift enters with the bell. "Everybody stand up and move against the walls. You're getting your assigned seats today." There's a general groan as everyone stands and moves away from the desks. She laughs. "I know, I know, it's the worst." I roll my eyes at Christina, who tries not to smile. "For this semester it's going to be alphabetically." That's not terrible. I'll probably end up with Christina. It could always be worse. "If there are any problems, I'll switch seats again next semester."

She goes over to her desk and picks up a piece of paper. She moves to the first lab table. "Adam Parker and Christopher Chambers." I glance over at Christina. She looks confuse. That's not alphabetical order at all. "Christina Walker and Cody Adams." I take a quick glance around the room. Who am I going to get stuck with? "Cordelia Wilson and Gordon Lachance."

I try to hold in my gasp, and it ends up sounding like a sigh. Christina turns around to look at me as I move to my seat on autopilot. My heart is pounding and I swear the whole room can hear it. I would rather be next to anyone else.

Well, almost anyone.

My eyes drift to the front row, and I curse the jolt that threatens to go through me. How, after so many years, could I still have feelings for him?

I certainly don't deserve him, or the feelings he brings up.

Gordie sits down, and I risk a quick glance at him. He's not looking at me, thankfully, and he looks almost as thrilled as I feel.

I look up at Mrs. Swift as she continues calling names. I have to give her credit – what better way to keep an eye on my behavior than to sit me next to the problem?

I slide my chair closer to the desk, but further away from Gordie. Why do I suddenly feel so guilty?

"Sarah Mitchell and Zachary Pent," she calls, and the last two finally sit down.

She takes a glance around the room, and our eyes catch for just a moment before she heads to the board.

I wonder if she realizes how much harder she's made everything.

"For your homework assignments, you can work with one other person." The class erupts in excitement. Teachers never let that happen. "Turn in one assignment and put both names on it. You can work with anyone in the class." I look at the back of Christina's head. I know any second she's going to turn around and ask if we could work together. "It doesn't have to be your lab partner."

Christina turns around like I knew she would. "Thank god," she whispers before turning back. I don't think that's too fair; Cody isn't that bad.

With that, Mrs. Swift goes onto the lesson plan, and I struggle to keep up. My heart is still pounding in an odd way, almost like it wants to beat faster but it knows it shouldn't. I struggle not to look at Gordie again.

This is so unfair. Why couldn't it be alphabetical by last name, the way everyone else does it?

At the end of the period, she gives us our homework. Christina turns around again as we're waiting or the bell.

"We'll get together after dinner," I tell her before she can speak. "It shouldn't take too long."

"I'll come to your house," she says, and I'm a bit shocked at her forwardness. "I heard Roy might call you tonight," she adds in a quiet voice. I can tell she wants to shout about it.

I freeze at the thought. I don't want Roy to call me.

And that's not something I want Gordie to hear.

After that, I'm ready for class to end, and last period can't come fast enough. I spend the period griping my pencil until my hand aches and trying my best to keep my eyes on my notes.

During gym Amber doesn't talk much while we play badminton. Maybe she can tell I'm upset, or maybe she just doesn't want to talk, but either way I'm happy for the silence.

I walk home with Christina, who is so excited about the possibility of Roy calling that she's bouncing as she walks. I'd almost think he was going to be calling her tonight. I wonder if she knows he's called me before. It's not exactly a special moment.

It's just before dinner that the phone rings. As mom goes to answer it, I pray its Christina, saying she can't come, but when mom returns to the living room, she's smiling.

Of course, it's Roy.

I go over to the telephone and pick it up. I take a deep breath. "Hello?"

"How's junior year treating you?"

I roll my eyes. "It's fine," I say. I hear mom in the kitchen, but I'm sure she's straining to hear our conversation. "How's it for you?"

"It's getting better," he says, and there's a weird inflection to his voice. I don't know what he means, and I don't like it.

"You like me, right?" he asks quickly, and a little too loud.

I close my eyes. I don't want to have this conversation. Not with him. "That's a bold question," I tell him. My cheeks feel warm. Why am I almost blushing? "What makes you say that?"

"You talk to me," he says.

I can't help but laugh. "I talk to a lot of people," I remind him. I switch the phone to my other ear and glance over my shoulder. There's silence behind me now. I wonder where mom is.

"But you don't seem like you hate it."

"Hate talking to you?"

"Yeah."

I shrug, even though I know he can't see it. "You don't drive me nuts like a lot of people I know."

"Do you want to go on a date with me Friday?" he asks suddenly, and I'm taken aback. He takes advantage of my silence and continues quickly. "We'll go after school, grab something to eat maybe."

I take another deep breath. I know what I want to say, but it's easier for me to force out, "Sure." A lump forms in my throat, and when we hang up, I have an overwhelming sense of dread. I don't want to go on a date with him.

Mom would be so upset if she found out I rejected Roy. _He's from such a nice family_ , she'd say; _he's such a nice boy._ And Christina and the girls wouldn't understand.

It seems like it's just easier to say yes to one date than to have to explain again and again why I said no.

When Christina arrives after dinner, she asks about Roy immediately, right in front of mom. I want to scream, but I tell them the truth, trying to keep the strain from my voice.

Mom almost loses her mind, she's so excited. I want to make Christina leave. Why couldn't she have kept that to herself?

She and mom can't seem to contain their excitement for the rest of the night. and I work twice as hard as I normally would on the homework, just so Christina will leave sooner. She says something about calling Ruth, and I don't care what she does, as long as she does it at her own house.

Later that night, while I'm trying to sleep, I realize why it's bugging me so much, why today has just been awful. Everyone is so busy being happy for me, no one realizes _I'm_ not happy.

But I guess I have no one to blame but myself.

* * *

 **it wasn't who you thought it'd be, huh?**

 **review reply: Guest: I fully believe Ace would beat a girl up, but I always felt like he knew what would hurt her worse than a punch to the face. and I don't hate Teddy, he's actually one of my favorite characters, but I feel like he'd be the type of friend that gets on your nerves after a while.**


	21. Chapter 21

**dates and nightmares and awkward classes. also, this chapter jumps around a lot, not going to lie**

* * *

 _Just keep you trembling  
_ _It's been a long day  
_ _Always ain't that right  
_ _Well, I'm surprised that you'd believe  
_ _In anything that comes from me.  
_ _-Matchbox 20, Long Day_

The next morning, I'm dreading seeing the girls, and when I approach my locker and see them all gathered around it. When they see me, they start talking quickly, and I wish they'd just leave. I put up with it until the bell rings, and then I tell them to get to their homerooms. They scurry off quickly. I throw a glare at Christina, who's busy gathering her books, so unfortunately, she doesn't see it.

Everything goes fine during morning classes. Roy says hello to me when I come in the room for English, and tells me he's excited about Friday. I smile and tell him I'm glad before I sit down.

I wonder if he noticed I didn't agree with him.

Things hit a standstill when Chemistry starts. It's a weird thing to notice, considering I've been doing whatever I can to not notice anything about them.

Chris isn't in class.

I don't know why I notice, and for a moment, I consider asking Gordie about it, but I shove that thought away fast.

Class ends slower than I'd like, and I manage to get through the rest of the day without incident. I go home and do the bare minimum to keep mom happy.

I have another nightmare. The ground beneath me is shaking, and I keep tripping, and whatever is behind me is getting closer. When I wake up, it's still dark. I have a couple hours before I have to get up. My heart won't stop pounding, and I'm up until my alarm goes off.

I get up and go through getting ready. There are bags under my eyes, and mom is quick to point them out. She asks if I'm feeling okay, and I tell her I'm fine even though I want to go back to bed.

I try convincing myself the jittery feeling I have is because of my date tomorrow, but as I'm rushing to Chemistry, I stop trying to kid myself.

Chris is already there. Gordie is leaning over his desk and they're talking quietly. The knot in my chest loosens, but only slightly.

There's a large bruise on his jaw, and it makes my stomach turn.

I sit down before I throw up. Christina turns around and starts to speak, but cuts herself off. "Are you okay?" she asks.

"I'm fine," I tell her. I wish everyone would stop asking. I wish I could stop lying.

Gordie sits down as the bell rings. I look over at him as he's getting his book and papers ready.

My eyes drift to Chris all period, and I'm glad I can't see the bruise from here. I'd probably be sick if I could.

I have another nightmare. I've never had them this frequently before. Something's in the woods, calling for me to come forward. There's strange laughter. When I jerk awake, I swear I can still hear it.

Each time I'm about to fall back asleep, I see the woods and I'm awake again. I probably sleep two hours all night, and in the morning, I look even worse than I did yesterday.

I consider trying to cover it up with makeup, but I don't want to. I don't care.

"You must be getting sick," mom says when I come into the kitchen. "You look terrible."

What a nice thing to say, I want to tell her. Instead, I nod and sit down. She comes over and presses her hand to my forehead. "You don't feel warm," she tells me. I already know this, but instead I nod, and force down food mom sits down for me.

"Have fun with Roy," she calls as I open the front door to leave.

"I will," I tell her as I leave. The air is cold, and the chill helps wake me up a bit.

I meet Christina at our usual spot. She looks startled, and talks to speak, but I shake my head. "I know I look sick," I tell her before she can speak.

"You must really want to see Roy later," she says, and we start walking. I wonder if she knows Roy doesn't mean anything to me, not now, maybe not ever. I'm only going to school so I don't have to be home.

The only person at our lockers when we reach them is Roy, and him being there makes me nervous.

"Hey," he says, smiling. Things would be so easy if I could feel something for him. "Are you okay?" he asks quickly when I get closer.

"I think I'm coming down with something," I tell him, because it's easier than the truth. Why are lies always easier?

"Are we-"

"I'll meet you by the front doors at the end of the day," I tell him. I try to suppress a yawn. "Don't worry."

He smiles. "Great!" He brushes my arm when he leaves, and I know today is going to be a long day.

We enter the drugstore, and I have to fight to keep my eyes open. All I want is to go home and go to bed, play sick for the weekend, and be back to my normal self on Monday.

"We don't have to stay long," Roy tells me for the tenth time since we left school.

"It's fine," I tell him quickly. I want this to go by quickly, and I want to leave, but I'm not blind. I can see how excited he is. "I'm having fun."

He smiles, and orders us milkshakes. My stomach turns, but I keep my mouth shut. He adjusts himself on the barstool, and I watch him from the corner of my eye. The sunlight hits his hair and makes it look lighter. I suppose I could be here with someone worse.

Roy talks, and I listen, and when our shakes come, I listen and drink while he continues to talk. I'm glad I got vanilla, because it doesn't make my stomach hurt.

Things are going well, until the bell over the door chimes. Without thinking, I glance over my shoulder, and see Chris enter with Gordie.

My eyes lock with Chris, for just a moment, and then they slide towards Roy. Gordie says something, and Chris cuts down one of the aisles. I turn back to Roy as I set my glass on the counter.

"I don't think this is agreeing with me," I tell him. "Would you walk me home?"

His ears turn red. This date is clearly not going the way he wanted it to. To be fair, it's not going the way I wanted it to either.

"Of course." He finishes his drink quickly. He takes my bag and we leave. Being outside helps stop the pain a bit, but I'm still ready to go home.

We walk in silence, and I'm grateful for it. When we reach my door, I turn to him. "I'm sorry about this," I tell him. I take a breath and add, "Maybe we can try again sometime?"

He smiles. "I'd like that." He hands me my bag. I have a strange feeling mom is watching me from behind the curtains, but I take a step forward and kiss his cheek anyway.

I'm sure she'll be happy.

Roy's ears turn red again, but he smiles wider than ever. I let myself in and head straight to bed.

Today has been awful and I just want it over.

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

* * *

 **this chapter took entirely too long to write! I guess I wasn't feeling dialogue, since there's so little in this chapter. and it ends so quickly because I just wanted it over.**


	22. Chapter 22

**hopefully this chapter goes better than the last one**

* * *

 _And I want these words  
_ _To make things right  
_ _But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life  
_ _-Fall Out Boy, Thnks fr th Mmrs_

The phone rings over the weekend, many more times than usual, but mom tells the girls I'm sick in bed, without me having to ask her, and I feel a rush of gratitude each time she does it.

I don't sleep as well as I want to, because each time I start to dose off, I'm worried I'll have another nightmare, which makes me wake up.

Mom wants to take me to the doctor, but I tell her I'm feeling better, which is almost true. She says I probably just need some rest, which is entirely true, so she keeps me in bed and refuses to let me do anything other than homework and rest.

I'm relieved I don't have to talk to the girls on the phone, because I don't want to tell them about my disappointing date.

When I meet Christina, she's already talking before I can process her words. "I have no idea how you started your sentence," I tell her, and I struggle not to roll my eyes. "Start over."

"How are you feeling?" she asks. She buttons the top button of her coat, and she does so almost gracefully considering her gloves. "How was your date? Tell me everything!"

I roll my eyes. That's more demanding than I'm ready for this early. "I'm feeling better," I tell her automatically. "Roy had to walk me home early."

"Because you were sick?"

"Yes, because I was sick," I snap. What a stupid question.

I take a deep breath. I'm not actually mad at her, I'm just tired. I wish I could sleep without the fear of the nightmares.

"Did you have a good weekend?" I ask. We're approaching the school, and I'm grateful that soon I won't have to speak for a while.

She shrugs. "It was okay. Mom was doing a lot of baking, so I helped out." She doesn't add anything else. Maybe she's mad.

I tighten my scarf. I'm ready for the holidays to come and go so it can warm up. I just want to be warm again. I glance over at Christina. She doesn't look mad, but I wonder how often I look like I'm mad. Probably not often, or the girls would learn to leave me alone.

That idea that she's mad goes out the window when we reach our lockers. The moment the girls come around, Christina takes it upon herself to tell them what I've just told her.

"It's good to give it a second chance," Ruth says, sounding too much like mom.

The girls keep talking, and it's easy to ignore them. Their voices are getting on my nerves, and I keep telling myself it's only because I'm tired. I don't want to snap at anyone else today.

During free reading in English, Roy slides into the seat next to me. Usually Taylor Andrews sits there, but she's out with the flu. I find myself praying I catch it, and fast.

"How are you feeling?" he asks in a low whisper, opening his book, but his eyes never find the page.

"Better," I tell him. I glance up at Mr. Richard, but he's reading his own book. I'm glad none of the girls are in this class. I wish Roy would leave, though. I just want to be alone. "Thanks."

"Good," he says, and I think he wants to say more, but I smile and turn back to my book. Thankfully, he doesn't interrupt me, and he doesn't ask for another date.

I pretend I'm reading for the rest of the period. Roy doesn't leave, but he doesn't speak, so it doesn't bug me. I _really_ wish I could stop being so on edge.

Everything is fine until Chemistry. But then Mrs. Swift hands out worksheets near the end of the period. She tells us we can work with our lab partners, or we can work silently. I glance quickly at Gordie, and catch his eye. I roll my eyes and turn back to my paper. I don't need his help.

"This doesn't make any sense."

I look up and see Christina, spun around in her seat. I take a deep breath. "Just read the instructions," I whisper. "You know this."

I go back to my work. It's not terrible. It would be better if I could talk to my lab partner, if my lab partner was anyone other than Gordie.

Christina starts to turn, but doesn't. I bite the inside of my cheek hard. I get a jolt of pain, and it helps a bit.

She turns around again, and I snap the point of my pencil. "I still don't get it," she whispers.

"And you're not going to know it if you keep turning around, are you?" I snap at her for the second time today.

It must be getting to her, because she immediately looks hurt. Her face gets red, and I suddenly fear she's going to cry. I immediately feel a pang of guilt, and I sigh. "Come over tonight after dinner. I'll make popcorn and by the end of the night, you'll understand it. I promise."

Her smile is small, and hesitant, but she doesn't look like she's going to cry anymore. She nods. "Okay. Thanks." She turns back to her work, and I pray she doesn't turn around again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gordie sigh, and shake his head. I look over at him quickly. "You have something to say, Gordie?" I demand without thinking.

He jerks his head towards me, but doesn't speak for a long moment. "Nothing," he finally says.

The thought hits me hard at the end of the day, while I'm walking home with Christina, and she's thanking me again for helping her with Chemistry.

That was the first time I've spoken to Gordie in years. And I didn't think twice about it.

* * *

 **this chapter was so much easier to write than the previous one, oh my god**


	23. Chapter 23

**a short filler chapter, with lots of starts and stops because the passage of time sucks to write. hopefully this is going to get better with the next one, just wait and see!**

* * *

 _We get so caught up in all of it  
_ _Business and relationships  
_ _Hundred mile an hour lives  
_ _And it's this time of year  
_ _And everybody's here  
_ _It seems the last thing on your mind  
_ _-Taylor Swift, Christmas Must be Something More_

 **December**

We leave town for Christmas. The moment we cross the town line, I feel like I can breathe. The car is still freezing cold, and for this brief moments, I feel alive. I feel as if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.

The car starts to get warm, and mom starts talking to me about Roy, and what family will be at Aunt Linda's. She asks me to try harder to not wrinkle my dress.

My chest tightens, and I can't breathe again.

I watch the road until it fades into a fog of gray. If I opened the door, I could be far away before dad realized what happened and stopped the car. Would he even know where to start looking? How far could I get before I go caught?

I shake my head hard. I don't want to think about this, not this close to Christmas.

Dad glances at me in the rearview mirror, and I go back to looking out the window. And every time I get one of those thoughts, I push it away. I force myself to think about anything else. School, the girls, and when it gets even worse, the boys. My throat feels tight, and I regret my decision. I feel like I can't breathe. This is insane. Why can't I feel normal?

I just want these thoughts, these _everthings_ , to go away.

 **January**

The first week back to school has been bad, but it's all because of me. I can't turn my thoughts off. I don't think the girls have noticed, but I feel constantly on edge. I hate this. I hate everything.

I close my book and lean back in my chair. I glance around my bedroom, and realize it's stifling. I have to get out of here.

I hurry downstairs. Mom is in the living room, reading a book, when I pass through. "I'm going to take a quick walk into town," I tell her. I grab my coat from the closet.

"Be safe," she says without looking up from the book. I watch her as I button my coat. She doesn't look up once. I wait another moment, and then leave without saying goodbye. It's a struggle to not slam the door.

The moment I'm outside, I feel like I can breathe again. It's the same feeling I got when we left town. Being outside gives me a weird sense of freedom. I'm freezing, but it's like I've woken up. The town looks different, and I like it.

I walk through town. I hope mom doesn't ask where I went exactly, because I don't think I have it in me to lie again.

Before I know it, I find myself at the bridge out of town; the same bridge we took a hundred summers ago.

I consider it; leaving town, I mean. I stand there, wondering how far I could get before anyone noticed I was gone. Would they find me? They found Brower, so I'm sure they could find me.

 _We found Brower_ , I remind myself. I turn and head back for home, but a thought lingers as I walk back through town.

 _They wouldn't search for me._

 **February**

Roy has taken up walking me to French after lunch. I don't disagree. It's easier not to.

Today he's talking about one thing or another. He doesn't ask many questions, so I don't feel the need to listen to every word he says.

We turn the corner, and I see Teddy before he sees me. I brace my arm as we get closer. I see his eyes narrow. Roy is still talking, but his words just sound like nonsense. My hands tighten around my books. My eyes drop to the ground, and I ready myself.

Teddy's shoulder hits mine hard, much harder than I'm anticipating, and my book falls despite my grip. He continues without stopping.

"Watch it!" Roy shouts. Teddy glances over his shoulder, and he smirks before turning the corner.

Roy bends down and picks up my book. "That kid is a _freak_ ," he says with a venom I didn't know he had. It's almost a refreshing change, but my arm hurts and I just want to get to class before I'm late.

"Don't worry about it," I tell him. I start walking, and I don't look back to see if he's following me, because I know he is.

He starts to say more, but must change his mind because we walk in silence to my classroom.

 **March**

I find myself at the bridge out of town a hundred times. Mom says nothing about my disappearances, and I sometimes wonder if she even notices.

The pull to cross the bridge is stronger each time I stop here, but it doesn't matter, I suppose. I don't cross it. I want to, but I don't.

And I'm beginning to think I never will. And it terrifies me.

* * *

 **it's probably best that I end this now, it was a hot mess and I'm sorry.**


	24. Chapter 24

**some interesting things in this chapter. things pick up, I swear!**

* * *

 _Some people fight, some people fall  
_ _Others pretend they don't care at all  
_ _If you wanna fight I'll stand right beside you  
_ _The day that you fall I'll be right behind you  
_ _-McFly, The Heart Never Lies_

April is surprising warm, and it makes things a bit better. I take fewer trips to the bridge out of town, and things are bearable.

I have a nightmare one night, a small one, and I don't even think Ace was in it. There was blood, and maybe a gunshot, and I pretend not to know where it might have come from.

I manage to get more sleep, and when I wake up, I feel strange. It's not the typical feeling I've had after a nightmare. It's weird, and I feel weird. I get up in a fog that I can't break out of. The cold water from the bathroom sink does nothing to wake me up.

"Cordelia, hurry!" mom calls up the stairs.

I grab a dress out of my closet and throw it on. It's pale purple, and I don't think I've worn it in months. I pull my hair into a ponytail as I head for the kitchen.

"Morning," I say as I enter the room. Dad looks up from the newspaper. Mom is at the stove, getting plates ready. I wonder if they feel it too?

They say nothing, and they act their usual ways, so maybe it's just me.

I eat what mom sets in front of me and leave quickly. Christina is running late, so we have to hurry to get to school on time, leaving us no time to talk. I'm not exactly sorry about this. Things still feel off, and I almost ask Judy and Joyce about it in history, but I can't force the question out, so I remain quiet.

In fact, I don't speak much throughout the day. I go through the day without thinking, because there's something missing. I know something is off. Maybe if I keep my mind clear, it'll hit me. I just want to know what I'm missing.

This sudden curiosity reminds me of before this all happened. Back when I was still Cora. I thought I had just changed who I was, but I realize now I became two completely different people.

"Ready?" I hear behind me. Ruth's voice sends me back to Cordelia. I can feel the difference. I hate it; it makes me honestly feel sick. How did I let this happen?

I let her lead the way to the cafeteria. She spends the time talking about the English assignment we have to turn in next week. I grab food as I listen. I'm not hungry, but maybe eating will make this feeling go away.

We're on our way to the table when Jackson Lewis dodges in front of us, obviously not paying attention to where he's going. Ruth shouts after him, and he winks at her. She blushes and stops talking. I turn to look back at Jackson, but he's leaving the cafeteria.

That's when I see Gordie, sitting with Chris only a few yards away from us. It hits me quickly. How could I have been so stupid?

Today is the day Denny died.

And judging by the look on Gordie's face, his day isn't going well. I'm not exactly surprised. My heart starts to ache, the way it did when I first heard the news from mom. And I'm definitely not hungry now.

Ruth nudges me. "Are you okay?" she asks. That's when I realize I'm just standing in the middle of the room. I nod and continue to the table.

Even though I feel sick, I force myself to eat. It keeps me from having to talk. When the bell rings, Roy and I leave.

I can't help but think that Cora would have found this routine annoying.

He tells me about his detention after school today, that he received for being late to homeroom too many times. I'm surprised he didn't try to fight it. Then again, maybe he did and lost, but I don't ask.

Even though now I'm dreading Chemistry, I find myself entering the classroom seemingly earlier than usual.

Gordie is already at our table, and I'm surprised. I'm usually the first one here. I cross the room and slide into my seat. I look over at him. It's on the tip of my tongue to say something, anything, to him. I want to ask if he's okay, even though I know he's not. I want to apologize. I don't know what I want.

So I stay quiet.

Mrs. Swift enters with the bell and starts class. I struggle to focus on her. My mind wanders throughout the period.

She grabs a stack of papers from her desk. She passes them out to the front rows, and they get passed back. "I want you to work with your partners to complete these worksheets before the period is over."

I glance at Gordie again, quickly. I don't even know if he's heard her. He's just staring down at his desk. Christina turns and hands me the sheet, and I take it without a word. I set it down between us. Gordie doesn't move. I wait almost a full minute to see what he'll do, but he doesn't move.

I clear my throat, and force myself to ask, "You gonna write your name down?"

He turns to me slowly. "What?"

I take the paper and pick up my pencil. "Don't worry about it," I tell him gently. "I'll do this."

"What?" he asks again.

"I know what today is, Gordie."

He looks surprised. I look away and start working on the questions. My heart is pounding, and it almost feels good.

"You remember?" he asks quietly a moment later. I wonder if he struggled to talk to me like I did for him.

I look over at him. He still looks surprised, and my heart continues to pound. "Of course I do," I tell him. I swallow hard, and the rest follows without warning. "It might surprise you to know that I don't hate you."

He doesn't look away, so I move my eyes to the paper and continue working. He doesn't say anything else, and I'm grateful.

At the end of the day, I walk Roy to the classroom he has detention in. I don't really want to, but I find it hard to say no to him, and it's only a couple extra minutes.

When I get to my locker, the girls are gone, and I hope they aren't waiting for me out front. I just want to walk home alone. It doesn't feel like a good idea, but I push the feeling away.

I grab my bag and pull out my English book. After everything Ruth said earlier, I should probably start my report.

I pause, my hand in midair. I don't know what it is that causes me to stop. I wait a moment. The hair on my arms is standing up.

I turn around slowly and see Chris standing behind me. I didn't even hear him coming. My heart starts to pound again, but this time it doesn't feel good.

"Chris?" I ask, and things are different again. The hallway fades and I'm standing behind the tree by my house with him. I feel like Cora again. How could things get so different so fast? How could saying a name change things so quickly?

"It might surprise you to know we don't hate you."

My eyes widen, but the rest of my body freezes. Gordie told him. I shouldn't have said anything. I _knew_ I shouldn't have said anything.

I drop my book into my bag and close my locker. I don't care if I don't have everything I need. I have to get out of here.

The loud _bang_ from my locker closing snaps me back. The walls come up and I'm just Cordelia again.

I leave without a word, and struggle not to look back.

* * *

 **poor Gordie, am I right?**


	25. Chapter 25

**another sexual harassment warning, because** _ **someone**_ **is an asshole**

* * *

 _Hold you down and tear you open  
_ _Live inside you  
_ _Love, I'd never hurt you  
_ _But I'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix  
_ _-Ludo, The Horror of Our Love_

I feel sick the rest of the day. I can't eat dinner, and of course mom has something to say about it. I feel myself slipping back to Cora, and I leave the table quickly for the bathroom.

Mom doesn't have anything to say after that.

I can't focus on anything. I keep replaying what happened over and over. Chris was obviously lying. How could they not hate me? Vern has been avoiding me for years; I get bruises from the bumps Teddy gives me; and I avoid Chris and Gordie in every way I can. And considering Gordie completely ignores me during Chemistry, well, Chris clearly has no idea what he's talking about.

But I can't get the words out of my head. I can't get over the fact he came up to me and spoke to me in such a normal way, like nothing ever happened. As if I had something pissed off Teddy or did something stupid.

I struggle to fall asleep. I keep picturing them; I keep picturing Chris. It's stupid. It's been almost five years. I shouldn't have these weird feelings for him.

When I wake up, it's still dark. My heart is racing, and I'm sweating despite the coolness of the room. I think I've had a nightmare, but I can't remember. And I don't want to remember. Whatever was in my dream can stay in my dream.

"Cordelia!" mom calls much too soon. I groan and roll over. It feels like I've just fallen back asleep.

I open my eyes, and the light streaming in from the windows confirms it's time to get up. I drag myself out of bed and get ready.

I slide on my pink dress and brush my hair quickly. I pin it back and head downstairs. I don't talk while I eat, and I leave as soon as I can.

Christina is waiting for me. She starts talking as soon as I get close, and I let her talk until we're at our lockers. The others join us, and I'm so tired I can't keep up. I don't even know if they've noticed I'm not in the conversation.

I glance up, and through the girls, I see Chris. He's watching me, and I don't know how long he's been there. I wonder why he's doing this. Things were bad, but lately they seem to be getting worse.

The bell rings, and I'm grateful to head to class. I slam my locker shut. The girls quickly gather their things and I go with Ruth to homeroom.

The day goes by quickly, and by the time the bell rings for Chemistry, I feel almost normal again.

Gordie is already in his seat when I get to class. I don't know how he's getting here before me.

I sit down. I feel myself getting tense, so I guess I'm not feeling completely normal.

A few minutes later, Christina comes in and sits down. She starts digging through her folders, and I just stare at the back of her head, begging her to turn around and talk to me, just to give me something to do until the bell rings.

Gordie shifts next to me, and I tense up even more. He starts to speak, but stops when I look over at him. It's the annoyed look I give the girls when I want them to stop doing whatever they're doing. It apparently works on boys too, because Gordie stops mid-word. I look away. I don't want him to talk to me.

I shouldn't have been so stupid yesterday.

At the end of the day, I go to the bathroom and wait ten minutes before leaving. The halls are empty, as is the area around my locker. The silence is wonderful.

I gather my books and leave, walking the near empty hallways slowly.

As I leave through the front doors, I decide to take a visit to the bridge. I haven't been there in a while, and who knows, maybe I'll leave today.

I'm glad no one is waiting for me outside. I take the back way towards the heart of town.

It's like a bad movie when a hand falls on my shoulder, gripping me hard and pulling me to a jerky stop.

"Princess." I freeze at the words. My brain is screaming at me to run, but my shoes are stuck to the pavement.

Ace comes out around me. He steps close to me, too close, and I manage to back away from him, just two steps, until I hit the building behind me. It's just like my nightmares. Why can't he just leave me alone?

He smiles, and it makes my stomach turn. "I was wondering when you'd get brave," he says, his voice low, and I really don't like that. He closes the space between us. I can smell the oil and sweat on him, and my heart starts racing much faster than it ever has.

"Stop it," I tell him weakly.

"You didn't think I was going to let this go, did you?" he asks. He brings his hand up and strokes my arm. His touch sends goosebumps down my arms, and he smiles.

I try to move around him, but he blocks my path. I try to hit him, but he grabs my hands and pushes me back, and I hit the wall hard. I grit my teeth when he leans close. His nose brushes my cheek.

If I had left town weeks ago, this wouldn't be happening.

His hands tighten around mine.

"Let me go," I try to say forcefully, but it's a whimper. I try to break free, but his grip just tightens more, until it feels like my bones are grinding together.

"You don't mean that."

He takes both my hands in one of his, and I still can't break free. I try kicking at him, but he just presses himself against me. His free hand slides down to my waist, and any second I'm going to throw up. I close my eyes as my mind goes blank. I can't fight him; I'm not strong enough.

"Hey!" I hear someone shout.

I look up as Ace steps back. Gordie is right behind him; Vern and Teddy are right behind him. Chris rushes to me and pulls me away, and I plan on letting him lead me anywhere but here.

"Get out of here, Lachance," Ace warns.

"There are five of us," Teddy reminds him, and it sounds familiar. "Just make your move."

Ace shrugs. "I didn't see her trying to get away." He glances over at me, smirking, and I take a step away from him. Chris' hand is still on my arm, but it doesn't make me sick the way Ace's did.

"Don't come near me again," I tell him. My voice is shaking, and I want him gone before I cry. I want them all gone before I cry.

He takes a step towards me. Chris pulls me back further as Teddy dodges around Ace and stands between us. Gordie and Vern step up on either side of him. "We'll have to try again, princess."

I grit my teeth again. "Don't call me that, you son of a bitch."

He shrugs, like he got exactly what he wanted, and leaves. I wait until he's out of sight to let out the breath I'm holding.

"Are you okay?" Chris asks, letting go of me. "You're shaking."

I turn to him. I try to blink, but the pressure behind my eyes tells me I'm going to start crying any minute. "I've never been so scared in my whole life."

No one says anything. All I can hear my rapid breathing. I can feel my heartbeat, and I don't think it should still be so fast.

"We'll walk you home," Chris says quietly.

I take a step back without meaning to. "I'm fine." I tell him quickly. "I'm fine." I repeat.

He starts to say something, but I hitch my bag up higher on my shoulders and take off down the road. I have to get home. I can't be here anymore.

* * *

 **sorry, not sorry?**

 **review reply: Sara: thank you so much! I hope you continue enjoying these chapters**


	26. Chapter 26

**short filler chapter because I'm trash**

* * *

 _Last night, I knew what to say  
_ _But you weren't there to hear it  
_ _These lines, so well-rehearsed  
_ _Tongue tied and over-loaded  
_ _-The Academy Is, About a Girl_

I get home and hurry inside. Mom calls out to me, and I tell her I'll be right back, and taking the stairs two at a time, I make it to the bathroom just as I start to gag.

I throw up everything in my stomach, and then I can't stop dry heaving.

When I finally catch my breath, and I start crying. I can't help it. It's just has bad as it was the first time. Despite the nightmares, I never truly thought it would happen again.

If the guys hadn't been there-

I stop myself right there. I don't want to think about what could have happened. It didn't happen, so it's fine.

I reach over and turn the knobs in the tub. I debate for a moment, and then turn the cold water completely off, allowing only hot water to fill the tub. I strip out of my clothes quickly and throw them aside. I slide into the water, and every part of my body is screaming for me to get out, that the water is too hot, but I force myself to stay.

When the tub is full, I turn the water off and grab the shampoo. I wash my hair twice, and my body three times. I still don't feel clean. I drain the water and fill it up again, still only using hot water. My body must be used to it now, because it feels almost nice.

I lay down, leaving only my face out of the water. I'm surprised mom hasn't called for me, or came looking for me. I'm surprised she didn't have something to say about me ignoring her. I'm sure I'll hear about it later.

I start crying without warning. I screw my eyes up tight, trying to stop the flow that's coming fast, but instead I sob. I don't want mom to hear me, so I take a deep breath and slide under the water.

I'm not sure if I'm crying anymore, considering I can't feel the tears falling. I could just end it. Why wait until graduation?

My lungs soon start screaming for air, and I oblige without meaning. I should just cross the bridge and leave. No one would find me then.

I lay there until the water gets cool. It's getting dark, and any minute dad will be home and I'll have to go down for dinner.

I force myself out of the tub. I get dressed in a fresh dress, because nothing in this world can make me put that dress on again until it's washed.

After dinner, I go to bed. I don't have any nightmares, and I'm grateful. If I had a nightmare, I don't know what I'd do.

When I wake up in the morning, I move on autopilot. I dress, eat, leave, without thinking. I talk to Christina on the way to school, but my mouth works separately from the mess going on in my head. I just want things to be quiet for a while. I just want everything to stop. Why can't everything just _stop_?

The day goes by in a blur, as does the next one, and the next one, and the weekend. It's easy. It's almost like a break. I go to school and I go home. When I'm not focused on one of those two things, I don't focus on anything at all.

I don't know why it hits me, but I realize I never thanked the guys for helping me. If they hadn't shown up-

Again, I force myself to stop thinking about it. I try to push it all out of my mind, but the guilt has settled in my stomach, and it gets so heavy that by Thursday I force myself to go outside. At first, I try convincing myself I'm just going to the bridge, but when I end up at the treehouse, I know I've just been lying to myself.

I stare up at it. How long has it been since the last time I was here? It looks smaller than I remember.

I stay until dusk, and then go home.

The next day I go again, around the same time. I can't force myself to see if anyone is there, and no one sees me. The guilt isn't gone, but it's loosened.

I leave earlier than usual Saturday, and after I make my way by the treehouse, I go to the bridge. This stupid bridge.

I take a step forward. I haven't stood on it since that day we left town. I feel pressure behind my eyes, but I force it down. I'm not going to cry over a stupid _bridge_.

I stay there until I have to leave. Mom doesn't ask where I've gone, and it seems very unlike her. But I don't give her any information. I just go up to my room and go to bed.

* * *

 **nothing says -shitty filler chapter- like no dialogue**


	27. Chapter 27

**things start to get a little more messy**

* * *

 _I am outside  
_ _And I've been waiting for the sun  
_ _With my wide eyes  
_ _I've seen worlds that don't belong  
_ _My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize  
_ _Tell me why we live like this  
_ _-Paramore, We Are Broken_

I go to the treehouse every night for almost a week. Mom never questions what I'm doing. I thought after a while she'd find it suspicious, but I'm clearly wrong. Then again, maybe she hasn't noticed I'm leaving. Is that worse? Would I rather her notice or not?

"Cordelia?"

I shake my head and quickly look at Christina. She's holding a piece of paper towards me. It's the worksheet I did on the anniversary of Denny's death.

I take it from her with a smile. "Thanks," I tell her. I glance at the grade. It's an A, and I'm almost surprised. It's been almost two weeks since we did these, and I certainly didn't think I did a great job on it.

Gordie takes the paper from me and looks it over. He seems pleased with the grade, and he hands it back. I think he starts to speak, but Mrs. Swift is handing out new worksheets. I take the last one from Christina when she hands it to me, and I set it down.

Gordie reaches over and grabs it. "I'll get this one."

I glance over at him. "Gordie-"

"Don't worry about it."

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him, to thank him, to apologize to him, but I can't. Not here. Not with Christina right in front of me, and Chris only a few desks away. I don't think I could handle it here.

So, I let him do the worksheet, and I slide the old one into my folder just to get it out of the way.

Saturday night mom and dad go out, and I can't stand being alone in the house, so I leave. I consider going to the bridge, but my feet carry me to the treehouse, and I don't care. Maybe I should be worried about running into Ace, but again, I don't care.

The sun is starting to set. I don't know why I keep coming here. I'm just being stupid and-

"Cora?"

I whirl around quickly. My heart is already pounding. I glance up towards the trapdoor and see Gordie looking down at me.

I take a step back as he climbs down the ladder and lands in front of me. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't think anyone was here," I tell him. I glance back up at the trapdoor and see Teddy stick his head out. "Then why are you here?" he demands just before jumped out of the treehouse and landing beside Gordie. Vern follows quickly. "Well?" Teddy demands.

I take a deep breath. My hands are shaking. Why did I come here?

If I had left town weeks ago, this wouldn't be happening.

I shake my head, once, quickly. "I was trying to think of a way to thank you...for last week."

"About time," Teddy snarks. Vern steps up next to him. I can't stop the thought that questions if Chris is up there too.

"I know." I tell him. I see movement and realize I was right. Chris climbs down quickly and stands beside Gordie. I'm more aware now than ever that it's me against them.

I should have just let mom send me away.

"I've been coming here, but it's been later," I tell them, even though I'm sure they don't care. "I didn't think anyone would actually be here and..." I trail off. What am I still doing here?

"Are you okay?" Chris asks, and it hits me hard. Why is he asking? I can't imagine he cares.

"I've been worse-" the alarmed looks on their faces makes me quickly realize my mistake. "I didn't mean like that," I assure them. "I just meant...I don't know. I don't know what to say."

"I thought you were here to thank us," Vern says. Chris throws him a dark look and he shuts up. I realize it's the first time in a long time that he's spoken to me.

My heart begins to ache.

"I'm grateful you helped me," I tell them. I look down, and scuff my shoes against the dirt. "I, I don't know what would have-" my voice catches and I clear my throat quickly. I feel pressure behind my eyes and close them tight to keep from crying.

I take a step back, with every intent on leaving, when I hear footsteps. I look up and see Chris coming towards me fast. He puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me a few feet away from the others. When I glance back, they're retreating into the treehouse.

"Chris-"

"Tell me what's going on," he demands.

I clear my throat again. "You wouldn't understand. You wouldn't believe me."

He stares down at me, and his eyes appear darker than usual. I don't know if he's mad, or if it's the poor lighting. I used to know. I wish I knew now. "I believed Vern when he said he knew about Bower," he reminds me quietly.

My cheeks burn. My hands are still shaking, and I wish I had something to hold to force them to stop. I don't like feeling this pathetic.

"You're going to think I'm stupid," I manage to confess. It'll kill me if he thinks I'm stupid. After all this time, if he thinks that-

"I've never thought you were stupid."

The tears come without warning. Chris takes a step forward as I wipe my eyes quickly, trying to stop myself from being completely pathetic.

"Cora-"

"Don't," I tell him. I take a step back and look up at him. "Just, _don't_ , okay?"

He shrugs. "So, after all this, you're just going to leave?"

I swallow hard. I take another step back. If I don't leave now, I never will. "I don't have a choice."

I turn and head for home. He doesn't call out, or try to stop me, but when I glance back, he's still there, watching me go.

* * *

 **wtf am I doing here?**


	28. Chapter 28

**sorry for the delay**

* * *

 _My mind forgets to remind me  
_ _You're a bad idea  
_ _You touch me once and it's really something,  
_ _You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be.  
_ _I'm on my guard for the rest of the world  
_ _But with you, I know it's no good  
_ _-Taylor Swift, Sparks Fly_

"Cordelia Marie Wilson!"

I jump up, my heart pounding. Why is mom screaming? Why is she so mad? What on earth did I do wrong?

I hear her coming down the hall. I set my book down on the chair behind me. My arms start tensing up.

Mom comes into the room, holding something in her fist. Her face is red, and her entire body appears to be shaking. I take a step forward. "What's wrong?" I ask My heart is still pounding.

"You were doing so well," she tells me, and I'm immediately confused.

I wait a moment to see if she's going to say more, but when she remains quiet, I decide to speak. "Mom-"

"Don't interrupt me, Cordelia!" she snaps, and I can't help but feel like we've done this before.

She holds up what she has in her hand. I don't recognize it, but that's probably because it's completely wrinkled. "Did you think I wouldn't find out you've been talking to the Lachance boy?"

"Mom, listen-"

I feel the sting on my cheek before I realize she's raised her hand. It hurts, and it reminds me of the day this all started. I grit my teeth. Why does she ask me questions when she doesn't actually want an answer? Why do we keep going around like this?

"I told you not to interrupt me," she says, her voice low. "I warned you."

"She sat me next to him!" I tell her quickly. "I was fine with Christina, but Mrs. Swift moved me It's not my fault. I can't argue with her, mom."

"I'm calling Mrs. Swift about this tomorrow. Now go upstairs. I don't want to see you until tomorrow morning."

I bend down slowly and grab my book. She's watching me, her eyes glaring daggers. I drop my eyes and leave quickly. I almost want to ask her for the paper back, but I remain silent as I exit the room and climb the stairs.

I toss the book onto my bed and sit down on it heavily. Finally, out of mom's sight, I rub my cheek. I feel tears gathering, and force them back down. I take a deep breath, and it comes out shaky.

I lay down and roll over. My bag is on the floor, open, and everything inside it is a mess.

That's not how I left it.

I close my eyes. I can't believe how stupid I am. How else did mom get the paper? Of course she went through my stuff. She's probably always gone through my stuff.

Was she purposely looking for some hint of mistake? Or was she genuinely making sure I stayed in line?

Either way, the anger boils in me fast. She doesn't trust me; she _never_ trusted me. Why did I even bother?

Hell, maybe I would have been happier someplace else.

Mom says nothing to me the next morning, and honestly, I don't care. The anger drops to a simmer, but when I see her in the kitchen, I realize it's still there.

I leave as fast as I can, and try to make small talk with Christina. I don't want to be here.

Mrs. Swift says nothing to me during homeroom, and I figure once again mom is lying. I almost manage to put it out of my head, but when I enter the room for Chemistry, I'm only halfway to my desk when Mrs. Swift calls me to hers.

I turn on my heels and go to her. My heart is pounding in my chest.

"Yes?" I ask, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. I didn't care a couple hours ago. Why do I care now? What's the worst thing she can do to me? I haven't broken any real rules.

Mrs. Swift takes off her glasses and looks up at me. "Your mother called me this morning, insisting I move you to a different lab table."

I can't fight the shrug that I give. She doesn't need to give me a reason, she can just move me.

"I'm not surprised," I tell her, because she doesn't need to know that I'm surprised.

"What makes you say that?" she asks as she drops her glasses. They land neatly on her book, and I can't help but wonder how many times she's done that.

"She said she spoke with you at the beginning of the year, to keep an eye on me." I shrug again. "I have to admit, it was smart putting me with Gordie, to see how I'd act. And because I don't want to live with my aunt, you can move me.

She stands quickly, and I take a step back My heart starts pounding harder. Is she going to start yelling?

"I'd like to speak to you in the hallway, Cordelia.'

I nod and follow her outside. Everyone is in the room now, and I feel my face turning red. I bet they're all watching me, wondering what I've done.

Mom will not be pleased about this.

The door closes behind me and Mrs. Swift turns to me. "It is not in my job description to keep an eye on students for personal reasons."

I swallow hard. "I'm sorry?"

"Even if your mother had come to me, I would not have agreed to watch you. You're almost an adult, Cordelia. And you've never caused me any sort of trouble, and that's all I care about." She steps closer to me, and I can see she feels sorry for me. It's written all over her face. I lower my eyes to the ground.

"She, she never spoke to you about watching me?" I repeat, slowly, because my brain isn't working properly.

"Of course not," she says, and I'm desperate to believe her.

But if I do, how many of my other teachers has mom not spoken to?

The bells rings, and it seems like this has been the longest four minutes of my life. Someone skirts around us and enters the room, probably grateful they won't be considered late.

"Can I use the bathroom?" I ask quietly.

"Of course." She pats my shoulder once, before moving towards the door. "Take as long as you need. And I'm going to tell your mother I won't be moving you." I look up at her, unable to say anything. My throat is tight with appreciation. She smiles. "Don't make me regret it."

I almost smile back.

She goes inside, and instead of using the bathroom, I just lean beside the door. The hallway is quiet, and I can just barely hear her voice through the door.

I take a couple deep breaths, and go back inside.

After gym, I make my usual detour to the bathroom to wait out the crowds. I wonder if the girls have noticed my disappearance. I'm sure one of them would have said something if they did.

I leave when the noise begins to die down. The hallways are almost completely empty. Everybody must be in a hurry to leave and get home.

I can't help but roll my eyes. Thinking of home makes my chest feel tight. Maybe I'll go to the bridge before I go home.

I'm jerked to a stop. I turn quickly and come face to face with Chris. He looks almost mad, and I don't know why.

"You were going to be sent away?" he asks. His tone puts me on edge. Now I know why he looks that way.

I feel a panic rising in my chest. "How do you know that?" I ask quietly.

"I have ears, Cora."

I take a step out of his reach. He's waiting for an answer, and I know no matter what I say, he's not going to understand.

Chris steps forward, but he doesn't reach out for me, and I'm almost grateful for it. He doesn't speak. I take a deep breath. "Mom lost her mind," I start. I can't look at him. I have to look past him, down the hallway behind him. "The day we came home." Still he doesn't speak. I know how stupid this is going to sound. I almost cringe at the memory. "She told me if I didn't stop talking to you guys, she'd send me away."

Chris moves back, just slightly. He's surprised, and I don't know why. He clearly knew before he stopped me. I bite my lip hard for a second, trying to control my thoughts that have suddenly become a mess.

I shrug. "I agreed, because I thought it would be better to see you from a distance than be sent away."

"Was it?" he questions softly.

I finally force myself to focus on him completely. My heart aches for him, for them all, but it's different now. "No," I tell him honestly.

We watch each other silently. I'm glad this happened after everyone was gone. I can't take another slap or screaming match with mom.

Chris smiles, and I feel that all too familiar jolt go through me. This smile is completely for me. "And you thought I wouldn't understand."

I pause for a moment. Something like excitement begins to rise, but I push it down. "You get it?" I ask slowly, because it seems impossible.

"Your mom's crazy. I always knew that." I can't help but smile. He's right. He's always right.

There's another pause. I look up at him. "Chris-"

"I'd walk you out, but..." he trails off with a slight shrug.

I nod. "Go on, I have to get my books from my locker."

He leaves without a word, and I watch him go. The urge to go to the bridge is gone, and I feel like going home isn't a prison sentence. How can talking to him for only a few minutes change everything like that?

* * *

 **writing the end of this was a little weird**


	29. Chapter 29

**another split-up chapter, because, again, I'm trash**

* * *

 _I know you're trying to forget  
_ _But between the drinks and subtle things  
_ _The holes in my apologies, you know  
_ _I'm trying hard to take it back  
_ _-FUN, We Are Young_

Mom doesn't speak to me when I get home, and the silence continues into the next morning. I know Mrs. Swift called her and explained what was going on. Cordelia would have cared about mom and would have apologized for upsetting her. But Cora doesn't care, and she's not about to apologize for something that's not her fault.

I almost smile, despite myself, as I walk with Christina to school. She doesn't notice the flicker that crosses my face, and I'm okay with that. I might not even be walking with her if I wasn't still terrified of running into Ace.

The very thought of his name makes my stomach cramp.

Judy is out with the flu, and Joyce won't stop talking. No matter how hard I try to focus on the lesson about the beginning of World War One, all I hear is Joyce whispering to me.

When I can't take it anymore, I ask to use the bathroom, and leave before I scream.

I run into Vern as I'm leaving the room. He looks surprised to see me, despite the school not being very large.

"Hey," I say slowly, unsure if he even wants to talk to me.

"Hi," he says, and I see him grip his hall pass tighter.

I move away from the door, away from the prying eyes of my classmates and turn to him. The words come without thought. "I'm sorry." I say quickly. "I've been an asshole, and I'm sorry."

He smiles. "You were an asshole," he agrees, and I feel my cheeks grow warm. "Chris told us. Man, what a trip."

"You could call it that."

"You should come to the treehouse," he says quickly. "I gotta tell you, you won't believe it, I found my pennies."

My jaw drops. That's not possible. There's no way that's possible. "What?" I ask flatly.

"It's true! The whole jar, right under the stairs. Come to the treehouse and I'll tell you about it."

I can't help the smile that appears without warning. I can't imagine there's much more to the story, but he looks so excited. His eyes are shining, and he's crushing the hall pass in his hand.

"Okay, sure."

"Great!" he says. "I gotta get back, Mr. Edwards hates it when I'm gone long."

"I'll see you later, Vern."

"Later."

He walks off. I debate going to the bathroom, but I've been gone long enough, so I just head back into the room and take my seat.

Joyce almost immediately begins talking, but it doesn't bother me as much now.

I beat Gordie to our lab table, and I watch for him to come in. It shouldn't be too hard apologizing to him, not as easy as Vern, but not as hard as Teddy or Chris. Teddy might not even accept my apology. I don't really expect him to.

I just need to do it, whether they accept my apologies or not.

Christina turns around. "Can I borrow your pencil sharpener?" she asks.

I take my eyes off the door and look at her, and then down quickly at my pencil case. "Yeah, let me get it." I dig though my pencils for a moment. Gordie must come through the door as soon as I look away, because he sits down as soon as I hand my sharpener over to Christina.

"Thanks." She turns back around. I zip my pencil case up and pause. Any moment she's going to return my sharpener. I'm having conflicting feelings I want to talk to Gordie, but I don't want her to know.

I clench my fist tightly, and find a strange relief as my fingernails dig into my palm. Why am I like this?

"Heard you talked to Vern."

I look over at Gordie, releasing my fist. I flex my fingers as I nod. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asks quickly.

I pause. Isn't it obvious. "Everything." I tell him. "Things have just been..." I trail off. It shouldn't be here. I can't talk to him here. It's too open. "I'm just really sorry, for everything."

"Chris told us."

I run my hand through my hair quickly. "I guess he told everyone, huh?" I ask, but I'm not really expecting a response. It's obvious he told them all.

Mrs. Swift enters the room as the bell rings. Robin tries to come in after her, and Mrs. Swift sends him to the office.

"Even if he didn't, I knew something was wrong," Gordie says quietly.

I turn to him quickly. Mrs. Swift is writing something on the board. I can hear the chalk squeaking against the board, and it makes me cringe. "How?"

"If you had actually changed, you wouldn't have done the assignment for me."

I prop my head on my hand, staring forward at the back of Christina's head. I pause, and then glance over at Chris' seat. He's not here, and I don't know why I didn't notice earlier.

"Where's Chris?" I whisper. I leave my head in my hand, but I turn half an inch to look at Gordie again.

He sighs. "His dad's been on a real mean streak lately."

My eyes drift over to the empty chair again. I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. Why can't our parents just leave us alone?

I can't focus on what Mrs. Swift is saying, and I'm grateful when she passes out a worksheet for us to complete with our partners. Gordie looks over it, and pushes it away. I take it from him and start the first question.

"Have you talked to him? Or Teddy?"

I pause, my pencil pressing hard into the paper. "No. Neither. I don't know which one's going to be harder."

"Teddy," he says quickly. I almost laugh, but I can't force it out, but I smile, and that must mean something. "Definitely Teddy."

"I should have known." I finish the question and read the next one quickly. "I'll talk to him later, after school maybe. Or whenever I can. I don't know."

Gordie doesn't respond, and I don't say anything else. This is the most I've spoken to him in a long time and it's eerie how easy it is to fall back into it.

After the noise dies down in the hallway, I leave the bathroom and head for my locker. I'm so glad I started doing this. I'm so glad to be alone.

That changes when I get to my locker. Teddy is standing there, leaning against it, like he belongs there. His arms are crossed tightly over his chest, and for a moment, I consider leaving without getting my books.

He looks up, and the idea of leaving is gone, since he's seen me. I continue towards him, and when I get close, he moves out of my way.

"Gordie said you'd wanna talk to me?" he says. He sounds bored. He obviously doesn't want to be here.

"I told him I'd talk to you eventually," I confess.

"Now seems like a good enough time."

I take a deep breath and turn to him. "I know you're mad, okay? You've made it clear. My bruised shoulder is a constant reminder."

"You think I'm mad?" he asks, raising his eyebrows high enough that I can see them over his glasses. "I thought you were fucking smart."

"Pissed, then, or furious. I get it, okay, and I'm sorry! I just didn't want to get sent away!" I shout. I take a step towards him without thinking.

He lowers his eyebrows. "Damn right, I'm pissed," he says, but he doesn't sound pissed. I expected him to yell at me, but he's barely raised his voice. When did Teddy learn self-control? "You could have told us."

"You would have thought I was stupid," I remind him. "I didn't want anyone to think I was stupid."

"Well, you are stupid."

"Shut up, Teddy."

There's a pause, and I realize what I've said. How many times have I said that phrase? How long has it been since I last said it?

I look up at him. For a moment, he doesn't say anything, and then he's smiling, and he starts laughing. It's still his annoying laugh, but it doesn't grate on my nerves like it used to.

"Same old fucking Cora."

"Same old asshole Teddy." I don't bother trying to suppress the smile that spreads over my face. "I am sorry, though. I mean it."

"I know." He pushes off the lockers and starts down the hallway. I watch him go, and about halfway down, he turns, but doesn't stop walking. "I'll see you."

"See you."

He turns around and disappears from my sight. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

That certainly could have been worse.

Mom only speaks to me to let me know dinner is ready, and we eat in silence. Dad doesn't even try to get a conversation going. It's apparent he's staying quiet to keep mom happy, and I don't like that they're both against me like this.

After dinner, I ask if I can go for a walk, and when mom doesn't answer, I leave. I walk through town automatically, but it's the treehouse I find myself at. Usually when I turn my brain off, I end up at the bridge.

I don't move. The treehouse gives me the same calm feeling the bridge does.

I wonder why that is.

I stand there for a while, I don't know exactly how long. Any minute the sun is going to start setting, and I'll have to go back home.

And I don't want to go back home.

I hear movement. I glance behind me, but don't see anything. I hear noise again, and look up. Through the one window, I see someone in the treehouse. Against my better judgement, I step forward.

I grab onto the third plank nailed to the tree and climb up. I knock on the trapdoor, and the noise stops. I knock again.

The door opens and I climb inside.

"Did you know I was here?" Chris asks. I close the door and sit down. For a moment, being up here takes my breath away. It looks the same. How is it possible that after all this time, it looks the same?

"I saw a shadow in the window," I tell him. I run my hand along the bench. "I was hoping it was you."

"Why?"

"You weren't in class."

"Were you looking?"

I look up at him. He's still crouched beside the door, and it's making me nervous. Like if I say the wrong thing, he's going to bolt.

"Of course, I was." I tell him. "I need to apologize to you. You're the only one left."

"You don't-"

"Of course, I do," I interrupt. "The others forgave me, but I don't think you should."

Chris stands as well as he's able to in this small space. I wait for him to open the door and jump down, but instead he comes forward and sits down beside me. There's not a lot of room on this bench, so we're close.

"Now you're being stupid," Chris tells me. He turns to me, and our knees bump. I wonder if it makes his stomach flip like it made mine.

"I wanted to talk to you so badly," I confess. I clasp my hands together tightly. The rest comes without warning. "I'm sorry all this happened the day I kissed you."

Chris clears his throat quickly. I sneak a peek at him, and see his cheeks are turning pink. I drop my eyes and focus on trying to keep my own blush down.

"I thought you realized you could do better than a Chambers' kid."

"Don't be stupid."

He laughs, and I turn to him fully. Ours knees bump again, and I was kind of hoping they would. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"But I am," I insist.

We watch each other for a long few minutes. The sun is starting to set, and I have leave soon. And I still don't want to go home.

"We usually meet here after dinner on Saturday, sometimes Sunday, depending on how much work we have." Chris moves, and our knees are no longer touching. "You can stop by if you want."

"I will," I promise.

I stay as long as I can before I force myself to leave. I'm going to be home after dark, but I have a feeling mom won't have much to say to me about it.

* * *

 **apologies suck**


	30. Chapter 30

**long chapter, full of angst and self-pity. warnings for suicidal thoughts ahead**

* * *

 _Don't try to wake me in the morning  
_ _'Cause I will be gone  
_ _Don't feel bad for me  
_ _I want you to know  
_ _Deep in the cell of my heart  
_ _I will feel so glad to go  
_ _-The Smiths, Asleep_

Despite the open invitation to the treehouse, I still put it off. The weekend comes, and I spend so much time worrying about if I should go, the days go by too quick and it's Monday.

No one says anything to me about not showing up Saturday. In fact, none of the guys talk to me at all. To be honest, I'm not exactly surprised. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't go. Things can't just fall back into place so easily. Things _can't_ go back to before, not with everything that's happened.

At least, that's how I feel until Friday. Mom and dad should be gone; they're away for a wedding tomorrow in Longview, so I don't take my usual detour to the bathroom after gym. It's strange how crowded the hallways look.

I catch sight of Chris in the crowd. He's not looking at me, but I pause. Judy or Joyce is saying something, complaining about a project or assignment, I don't really know. He's talking to Gordie at his locker. I wonder what they're talking about. I wish I was there. I wish I could just be their friend again without fear.

He looks away, and spots me. He glances away, but looks back quickly. He smiles; it's small, just barely there, and then turns away.

I turn back to my locker and close it. I think I have everything I need. I follow the girls out of the building, and I walk home with Christina. She won't stop talking, and I almost get the impression she missed walking with me. And that's strange considering I don't talk much.

The house is empty, and the car is gone when I get home. I toss my bag on the chair in the living room and lay down on the couch. It's so quiet, and I love it. I don't have to talk to anyone all weekend.

But then I think of Chris, and his smile, and I realize if I don't go to the treehouse tomorrow, I'll regret it.

He said they meet after dinner, but a while after lunch Saturday I have to get out of this house. I throw my dishes in the sink and leave without washing them. Mom would be furious, but she doesn't have to know.

I don't go straight there. I take a trip to the bridge, because in a strange way, I miss it. I haven't come by here for a long while.

This time, I stand on it completely. It's the farthest I've come, and I wonder if I wasn't going to the treehouse, if I'd cross it and leave. Mom and dad would come home and I wouldn't be there. I could just disappear; I could just see how far I could get before-

I shake my head hard and take a step back. I have to stop thinking this. Things are better now. Aren't they?

Maybe they aren't. Maybe I'm just pretending. Maybe I don't have the courage to leave. Maybe I don't have the courage to do it.

I turn on my heels and walk quickly away from the bridge. Normally being here makes me feel better, but now I just feel sick.

No one is at the treehouse when I arrive, but I'm not surprised. I don't know what time it is exactly, but it can't be past dinner. It's probably four, maybe four-thirty.

I sit on the bench and pull my knees up to my chest. I rest my forehead on my knees and close my eyes. My mind won't stop racing; it jumps between the bridge and the tracks and the guys and my parents and I can't stop it.

The trapdoor bursts open, and I drop my legs quickly. My heart is racing, and it doesn't slow when Teddy pops his head into the room.

"The hell are you doing here?"

"What did you say?" Vern shouts below him.

"I'm not talking to you!" Teddy shouts back.

"I was invited," I tell him quietly. My heart is still beating fast, but I think it's slowing.

Teddy pulls himself up and Vern follows quickly. They sit down across from me. The trapdoor is between us, and for a moment I consider leaving. Maybe I shouldn't be here.

"We thought you'd show up last week," Teddy says. He brushes his hair out of his eyes. He needs a haircut badly.

"I was going to, but," I shrug. "I don't know, I just didn't."

"Obviously."

I glance over at Vern, but he doesn't say anything, not that I'm expecting him to. I _really_ shouldn't be here.

"Want some?"

I look up. Vern is offering me his candy bar. I smile and break off a small piece. I'm grateful for the distraction. "You buy this with your pennies?" I question.

"You told her already?" Teddy asks. "Christ, it wasn't that great."

I look over at Teddy sharply. "Are you joking? You knew as well as I did that he'd never find them." Teddy shrugs. I turn back to Vern. "How much was in the jar?"

"Over three dollars!"

"Jesus," I say quietly, because I'm honestly surprised. I never thought he'd have that much. "It's a good thing you found it then."

I take a bite of my chocolate. They don't say anything, and I feel like I should say something. I glance around the treehouse. I swallow my chocolate and ask, "What about you, Teddy?"

"What about me, what?" he asks, sounding almost annoyed.

"Vern found his pennies. That's exciting-" Teddy scoffs, but I ignore him. "What about you?"

Teddy rolls his eyes, and doesn't answer. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe-

"I've been talking to people about joining the army."

I pause. "Really?" I force myself to ask. I didn't think he'd be able to join, with his shitty eyesight and all.

He shrugs and crams the rest of his candy in his mouth. He obviously doesn't want to talk, and that's fine. Silence is probably best, anyway.

The door bursts open suddenly and I jump. Gordie comes up the ladder, but pauses when he sees me. "Didn't think you'd be here."

"What did you say?" I hear Chris say from below us. I almost laugh. I take a bite of my chocolate as Gordie climbs into the treehouse, and watch as Chris follows.

"Hey," Chris says when he sees me. He smiles, and I can't help but smile back. I hope I don't have chocolate on my teeth. "Didn't think you'd make it."

"Mom and dad are out of town," I tell him as they get settled. Vern hands them pieces of chocolate too. "And despite my relief, I couldn't just sit at home alone."

He nods, and I don't feel like leaving anymore.

I force myself to look away when Gordie hands me a magazine that is advertising its most gruesome story to date. I take it from him and quickly flip to the story.

The story isn't as horrific as they advertise, and I finish it quickly and set it aside. The guys are talking about something, and I just listen. It's just like when I'm with the girls; they just talk, and I have to appear interested. Things don't really change.

I lay back on the bench. It's a bit too small, so I prop my feet on the armrest. This seems so familiar, and it doesn't hit me until I swear I smell wood burning that I realize this reminds me of our trip. I wonder if things will always remind me of that trip.

The sun starts to set. Teddy and Vern leave with quick goodbyes.

"Are you heading home too?" Gordie asks. I turn to him. My neck is stiff from my laying still for so long. How many hours have passed? I don't even know what time it is.

"I wasn't planning on it," I tell them honestly. "I-I don't know."

"What?" Chris asks.

"I don't know," I repeat.

"You can't stay up here all night."

Don't tempt me. "I know." I pause. "I just don't want to leave right now."

I glance over at them just in time to see them exchange a look. Gordie shrugs. "They won't notice I'm gone anyway."

I want to tell him to take it back, but I don't. He's probably right. Things aren't fair. I wish things could just be fair.

"Do you ever wish we could go back?" I ask without warning.

Chris stands the best he can and moves close to me. He doesn't answer. A moment later, Gordie moves over as well. I shouldn't have said anything. I told them once. I know they've forgotten. After all these years, how could they still remember?

"Go back where?" Chris asks sometime later. I stare at the roof. There's a spider web in the corner, and it's catching the light. They should really dust up here.

"Cora?"

I turn and look between them. "The woods."

They look at each other quickly. "No," Gordie says quickly. "I've never wanted to go back."

"Me either," Chris agrees quickly. I turn my attention back to the ceiling. The urge to go to the bridge hits suddenly. I shouldn't have brought it up. "Why?"

"Tonight just reminded of me that night, by the fire." I tell him. I sit up quickly. The urge is strong, like I haven't been there in weeks. "I should go."

"What is going on with you?" Gordie demands, sounding more like Teddy with his tone. I turn to him quickly.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He shakes his head. "You're acting weird. Even weirder than usual."

"That's not fair," I tell him. "Things are different now. You know that."

"So, you're going to leave, and we won't hear from you until Monday, when maybe we'll see you?"

I look over at Chris, but he shrugs and says nothing. I don't know what I was expecting. I always knew they were best friends. "Gordie-"

"Just talk to us."

"You wouldn't understand." I don't want to tell them again. I can't. How can I tell them I think about graduation almost every day? How can I tell them my chances of getting out of town are so slim I know I won't ever leave?

Chris comes closer, and he now couldn't be closer unless he was up here with me. "Cora," he says gently. I look over at him. I shouldn't have, because looking at him lowers my defenses, and I hear myself talking and I can't stop myself. "I figured I'd be gone," I tell them. "After graduation, I wouldn't be here anymore."

"Cora," he says again, softer.

"Stop calling me that," I tell him quickly. How can he slip back into the past like all this hasn't happened; like we haven't lost years together?

"Where were you going to go?" Gordie asks.

I take a deep breath. "Forget it," I tell them. It was so easy the first time.

Chris reaches up and touches my arm, and I feel the goosebumps rise quickly. I wish he wouldn't – it's not helping.

I glance between the two of them. They're both watching me closely. I look down at the floor. "I told you, that night by the tracks." I shake my head. "If I was stuck here after graduation, I was going to kill myself."

One of them starts to speak, but it cuts off quickly. I close my eyes. Maybe I wouldn't have killed myself at all. Maybe I would have done exactly what mom wanted me to do. I'd live my life, hoping for better and always dreaming of ending it.

"Why?" Gordie chokes out.

I screw my eyes closed tighter. I swallow hard. Chris has tightened his grip on my arm. It almost hurts, and I like it.

"Everything feels so out of control," I say, my voice catching. I clear my throat. "Mom controls everything I do, and the girls think I walk on water or something. I have to work so hard to keep everything perfect. When I do well, everything is fine, but the second I mess up, it's like the end of the word." I pause, and I laugh. "Sometimes it feels like everybody is so busy listening to me that no one hears a word I say."

"C-"

"It seems like everyone else has a way of getting out if they want it. Everyone has options. Every time I think about the future, I see the same thing. I see myself in the kitchen, in a blue dress and pearls. I don't know even know why I'm in pearls considering I never go out." I take a deep breath. "But I'm in the kitchen, washing the dishes – I'm always washing the dishes – while my husband mows the lawn. I have to keep an eye on the lines he makes because they have to be straight, or the neighbors will talk."

"Jesus."

"I don't want that." I tell them. I finally open my eyes and look over at Chris. "And it feels like that's exactly what's going to happen."

"It won't," Chris insists.

"You don't know that."

"I knew your mom was crazy, but…" Gordie trials off.

"I thought it was bad, but ever since we came back, it feels like it's just been one thing after another. Mom hasn't spoken to me in days, and I don't know if I should feel bad about it or not."

Chris stands and quickly sits next to me. Our knees bumps, but it doesn't make me feel anything. Instead my stomach knots tight with guilt. I need to learn to stay quiet. "I'm sorry," I tell them quickly. "I shouldn't have-"

"Of course you should have," Gordie says. His voice sounds tight, and I can't help but wonder if I brought up any bad memories for him. Or for Chris. How could I have been so stupid?

I glance out the window above Gordie. It's completely dark now. I wonder what time it is. My head is starting to ache, and I just want to go home.

I run my hands over the edges of my dress. I wish one of them would say something, anything, but they don't speak, and for at least a couple minutes, neither do I.

I don't know how much time passes before I sigh. "I should go."

"Are you okay?" Chris asks quickly. I look over at him. He's watching me closely, and I have a feeling if I looked back at Gordie, he would be too.

"I'm fine," I tell them, which sounds strange after everything I've told them tonight. "I just want to go home."

"We'll walk you."

"Chris-"

He moves off the bench and moves towards the trapdoor. "Come on."

I let Gordie go first, and then I follow quickly. As soon as I hit the ground, I realize my head doesn't hurt as much. It must just be being in that small room. I hope home doesn't feel too small. I can't go to the bridge tonight.

We leave. I walk between them, and I'm comfortable. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad about talking to them.

We come to the corner, and Gordie says goodbye. I wave as he turns to head for home. "Come on," Chris says, nodding in our direction. I follow him quietly. The last time he walked me home-

A jolt stops my thoughts, and I try to focus on what's in front of me right now. How many years ago was that?

Too many.

Chris doesn't even pause when we hit the hill. He continues up it like he's been here a hundred times instead of just once. We reach the bend, and I stop. Chris walks forward a couple steps, before realizing I'm not behind him. He turns quickly and comes back towards me. "What is it?"

"Nothing," I tell him quickly. I wonder if he remembers what happened here.

I wonder if he knows how badly I want to kiss him again.

I force myself to walk, and soon we're at my door. I say goodnight to him quickly, before I can act on my impulses and ruin whatever is rebuilding between us all.

* * *

 **which word did I use more:** _ **maybe**_ **or** _ **wonder**_ **?**


	31. Chapter 31

**short, short chapter, that has a lot to cover**

* * *

 _A week without you  
_ _Thought I'd forget  
_ _Two weeks without you and I  
_ _Still haven't gotten over you yet  
_ _-The Go-Go's, Vacation_

Every Saturday, I go to the treehouse. No one questions me, not mom or dad, not the guys. I think mom is glad I'm getting out of the house. I can tell she's trying to be nice, but it comes off the wrong way. It's almost like she's faking it.

I'd rather her just ignore me.

But every Saturday, after dinner, I head for the treehouse. Sometimes we don't speak. It's like these Saturdays are a break; from school, constant observation, from everyone else in town.

Sometimes we can't stop talking. Sometimes it reminds me of that night by the tracks. Where words come without thought and everything makes sense. Those are the days I love. Where I'm able to forget home and school and the girls and the future.

I love it, and I can never figure out a way to tell them.

Going to the treehouse goes on until the last week of school. Mom tells me on the morning of the last day that we're visiting family in New Jersey, and we'll be gone most of the summer. My stomach drops. Mom turns away, but I can tell she's pleased she's ruined my entire day. Maybe she knows what I'm doing. Then again, if she did, wouldn't she have put a stop to it?

I drop my dishes in the sink and walk to school. I'm running late, and Christina isn't waiting for me. It's for the best, really. Why on earth should she want to be my friend? I'm not a good friend at all.

I clench my fists tight, and my nails dig into my palm. It almost feels good.

I consider ditching completely, maybe spending the day at the treehouse, but I shake that idea out of my head fast. It's the last day; someone will surely notice I'm missing.

When I get to my locker, the girls are all here. When they see me, one of them squeals. "I can't believe it's the last day!" Christina cries. I don't understand why they're so upset. Until this morning, I was excited for summer break.

I get what I need, which is only a notebook since we turned in our books a couple days ago. Why are we even here? What on earth are we going to do today?

The bell rings, and we all hurry to homeroom.

I slide into my seat. Mrs. Swift and a few others are here. After this, I just have gym and I can go home.

Actually, I think I'll go to the bridge. I'm going to miss it almost as much as the treehouse this summer.

Gordie slides into his seat. Normally, I'm happy to see him, but seeing him just reminds me of leaving, and it makes my head hurt.

"Almost done," Gordie says quietly.

I look over at him, but don't answer. It was nice having him as my partner this year. I wish we could be partners next year too, but I don't think he's taking Chemistry II.

"Cora?" he asks. I force myself to look away from him.

My eyes drift to the front. Chris comes into the room, and we lock eyes. I quickly lower my eyes to my desk. How is going away for the summer going to affect the friendship we've started to rebuild?

"Are you okay?" Gordie asks, dragging me from my thoughts.

"I'm fine," I tell him quickly, not looking up. I miss the days where no one asked me that. I hate lying.

There's a pause. The bell rings. I sneak a peek up. Chris is looking back at me. I lower my eyes again.

"How about we try again, and you don't lie to me."

I look over at him, surprised at his words. "Gordie-"

Mrs. Swift starts playing a movie in the front of the room. She flicks the lights off, and the film focuses slowly.

I lean back in my seat. Gordie's watching me closely out of the corner of his eye. I sigh. "We're visiting family this summer."

"Oh."

"In New Jersey," I add, because he clearly doesn't understand why this is a bad thing.

" _Oh_ ," he says, sounding more surprised.

"And I don't want to go," I finish.

He laughs, but thankfully it's quiet and nobody hears him. "I wouldn't want to either."

"Shut up," I tell him, but I'm smiling, and I'm glad I told him. He stops laughing a moment later, and we watch the film in silence.

The bell rings, and everyone jumps up and leaves the gym as fast as possible. I go to the bathroom and wait. Will I continue this next year? Will I have to?

It takes longer than usual, probably because everyone needs clean out their lockers. But finally, it quiets down and I leave.

The hallways are completely empty, and I'm relieved. This time next year, I won't ever have to worry about coming back.

I make my way to my locker slowly, taking in the silence that I'm sure I'll be unable to appreciate until we get back.

I sigh as I twist my lock open and throw the door open. It's not that messy, so I start packing up the last of my things.

I zip my bag closed and pause. I glance over my shoulder. Chris is behind me, and despite everything that's happened today, I smile. "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you," he says, leaning against the lockers beside me. The school must be empty for him to be so bold.

"What for?" I ask, swinging my bag onto my back.

He doesn't answer. He turns and gazes down the empty hallway. I turn away from him. My heart starts to beat fast, I wonder if he knows what he does to me.

I close my locker and wait for him to speak, which he finally does almost a full minute later. "Walk you?"

I pause. I want him to, I do, but-

"I wasn't going straight home," I confess. I bite my lip. When I glance up, I see he's watching me closely. I take a deep breath. "Can I show you something?"

His head cocks slightly to the left. I wait; and my heart starts to beat a bit faster. Am I really ready to show him?

"Okay," he says; his voice seems lower. I don't know why, or if it's actually lower.

I click my lock into place for the last time until September and we leave the building in silence. Chris follows just a step behind me, and only because he doesn't know where we're going.

I walk straight through town, and I don't care who sees us. We'll be gone by Monday, so no one will be able to tell mom anything.

Finally, I stop at the bridge. I turn to him. He looks a bit confused. "I come here," I tell him. "When things get too intense."

"Yeah?" he asks. His voice still seems too low, almost like it's stuck in his throat.

I like it.

I nod. "It, it reminds me that I can leave whenever I want." I pause. He's watching me closely. I raise my hand and tuck my hair behind my ear, and my motions are jerky. Why do I feel panicked? "I've also wondered how far I could get before anyone noticed I was gone." Chris takes a step towards me, and puts his hand on my arm. My face gets warm.

"Why did you want to come today?" he questions.

I look up at him. "We're leaving Monday to visit family." I force myself to keep his gaze. "And for the first time, I don't want to leave."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then he smiles. "Are you coming back?"

His smile is contagious, and I can't help but smile back. "I sure hope so."

"I'll miss you."

My eyebrows jump, along with my heart. Whatever he was going to say, I never thought it would be that. But now that he's said it, I want him to say it again.

"I'll miss you too."

I glance down. His hand in still on my arm. I step out of his grasp and wrap my arms around him. His arms encircle my waist and he pulls me close. I rest my chin against his shoulder and hold him tight.

I don't know exactly how long we stand there, but finally we pull apart. We haven't hugged since that day with the train. I wonder if he knows that.

"I have to go," I tell him quietly. "I'll try to see you at the treehouse when we get back."

He nods. "Okay." He smiles. "Have fun."

I smile and roll my eyes as I force myself to turn and head for home.

* * *

 **fucking hugs man, I tell you**


	32. Chapter 32

**writing vacations always suck**

* * *

 _It's a new day  
_ _Why don't we break the rules already?  
_ _I was never one to believe the hype  
_ _Save that for the black and white  
_ _-FUN, Some Nights_

My time in New Jersey is made bearable because mom and dad are so busy that I'm left on my own a lot.

I'm not complaining though. The nearby boardwalk was long and full of so many different shops that it takes me almost two weeks to explore the whole thing.

The world seems so much bigger at the ocean. Never once do I feel the inability to breathe, but with each mile home, my chest gets tighter and tighter until we get home. I help unload the car, and unpack my stuff without a word.

And then I leave. I know exactly where I'm going, because as it seems, I've become a creature of habit.

It's crazy, and even as I think it, I know it sounds crazy, but the streets feel smaller here. I get one taste of freedom from Castle Rock and I only want more.

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

The thought makes my stomach turn, and I pick up my pace. The sun is going to set. I wish we had stayed at a hotel somewhere, but mom wanted to get home so badly. I don't know why, and I'm honestly glad I don't.

I turn the corner and the bridge comes into sight. The tightness in my chest loosens and I enjoy the first deep breath since we entered the town limits.

I take a step up, and stand fully on the bridges edge. Everything has a washed out green tint. It doesn't look right. It's not right.

Maybe none of this is right.

I don't know how long I stay there, not moving. I wonder if anyone has seen me, either now, or any of the countless times I've stopped here. I hope not. School starts the day after tomorrow and I just want to be left alone. After being left by myself for so long, it's going to be hard to be around other people.

I take a step back, my feet landing softly on the dirt below the bridge, and turn quickly. I want to see the treehouse before I head back home. The sun is starting to set. I probably only have fifteen, maybe twenty minutes before I have to be home.

I don't know what I'm expecting when I arrive, but it's not seeing Chris, leaning casually against the tree, hands deep in his pockets. He's facing away from me, looking out over the town. My heart swells at the sight of him.

After a moment, I take a step forward, and I can't help the smile that breaks free. "Hey stranger," I call, my voice shakes. I hope he doesn't hear it, or at least knows it's excitement, and not something else.

He turns quickly, and I see instantly that his smile could almost rival mine.

"Hey," he says. He pushes off the tree and comes towards me.

We meet each other quickly and his arms wrap around me. I'm not expecting it, but that makes it that much better.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I hug him back.

He doesn't respond for a moment, and I don't mind. His arms around me make my stomach flip, and I honestly feel like I could be here forever.

But he pulls away, thankfully not going far, and shrugs. "I was at the drugstore when I saw you walk past. I didn't know where you were going, but," he shrugs again. "I thought you'd come here."

My smile honestly can't get any bigger. He came here for me, _because_ of me.

"We just got back," I tell him. "And I'm ready to leave again."

He nods and he takes a step back, completely leaving my arms now. He scuffs his shoe against the dirt. I bite my lip and wait.

"I'm glad you stopped by," he says quietly.

"I'm glad you were here," I confess.

He looks up at me, eyes wide in confusion. My face is burning, and I hope he thinks the blush is from the setting sun.

I glance over my shoulder at the sunset and sigh. "I have to go," I tell him as I turn back to him. "I don't want to, but-"

"I know," he says quickly. He gives me a quick smile. How can things suddenly feel so out of place like this?

"Can I still come here? On Saturdays?" I ask.

"Course," he tells me quickly.

I nod, but don't move. There's more, right on the tip of my tongue, more that I want to tell him.

But I bite it back, and instead wave goodbye as I turn for home.

With every step towards home, my feet feel heavier. I know I'll have to spend all day tomorrow with mom, and the thought makes my head hurt.

My mind drifts back to Chris as I turn into the View, and I smile. Despite being back in town, today has been a pretty good day.

* * *

 **short, but hopefully worth it**


	33. Chapter 33

**longer, angsty chapter**

* * *

 _But it all feels old  
_ _It's a good life  
_ _That's what I'm told  
_ _But everything  
_ _It all just feels the same  
_ _-Good Charlotte, The Anthem_

Ruth calls me the next morning, asking a thousand questions about our vacation, and I answer each one, hopefully not sounding as annoyed as I feel. I'm going to have to tell the girls the same thing tomorrow, and I would have liked to tell it only once.

Ruth doesn't falter, so I must be containing myself well.

She says she's excited to see me tomorrow. She says summer vacation was nothing special. I believe it, seeing as the girls all stayed in town. It must have been hell.

Finally, she has to go. She makes me promise to meet them at the front steps, like every year. I agree and she hangs up.

I find myself wishing I hadn't answered the phone.

I go to bed early. I say goodnight to mom and dad, who have said little to me since we got back. Maybe I should be trying harder, but I don't really want to.

The next morning, after a silent breakfast, I leave and see Christina waiting at our usual spot.

I join her and we walk to school together. She refrains from asking me about my vacation, and I'm glad. If I had to tell the same stories three times, I'd probably scream.

She tells me she's thinking about joining choir. I tell her this is a great idea, because their practices are before school, so I'd get to walk to school by myself.

I don't tell her the last part, of course. I just tell her it sounds fun.

"Mom says it'll look good for college too."

I pause. The very word sends a chill up my spine for a reason I can't explain. "College?" I repeat slowly.

Christina shrugs. "Can't hurt."

I bite my tongue. I knew Christina applied to a couple colleges, but I didn't actually think she'd consider going.

College means leaving town.

I feel cold despite the heat. Maybe that's something I could consider. I wonder why I never thought of it before.

We get to the road. Christina starts to cross. I look over to the left, where I see the guys have gathered. None of them see me, but I take a moment to watch them. Teddy is laughing about something. Vern turns away from him. Chris and Gordie share a look – in what? Annoyance? Frustration? Humor?

I wish I knew.

I turn away before any one catches me looking and cross the street. One of the girls asks how my vacation was, and I again have to share the boring details of my trip, and try to make it sound interesting.

The day goes by fast, which is almost shocking. I have most of my classes alone, which is also shocking. But I'm not complaining. In fact, I really enjoy it.

The last class I have is Chemistry II. Mrs. Swift is teaching it, and she's already in the room when I arrive. There's three others here, and I take a seat near the back. I hope we don't have partners this year. I'd rather just do the work on my own.

I get out my notebook and pencil and wait for the bell to ring. I glance up each time someone enters. Two come in together. The bell is due to ring any second. There's not a lot of people here. I take a quick glance around the room. There's nine of us.

Mrs. Swift sets her piece of chalk down and turns around. I glance towards the door as it opens and see Chris. As he steps into the room, the bell rings.

I'm glad he's not late.

He looks around, and his eyes fall on me. My chest tightens. I almost wish he wasn't here. Why do I feel the sudden need to be left alone?

I look away first. Mrs. Swift is watching me closely. I lower my eyes back to my notebook.

"Everybody up," Mrs. Swift calls. I groan along with the rest of them and stand. I glance around the room again. There's ten of us. She's going to make us have partners.

"When I call your name, come up and take your seat. I normally do this on the second day, but seeing as there's so few of you, I'm sure I can manage." She steps up to the first table and glances down at the paper in her hand; I'm assuming it's her attendance sheet. "Aaron and Andrew." I sigh as they move towards their new desk. Why does she do the seats like this? Why not just go by last name?

"Benjamin and Carter."

I shift my books to my other arm. I'm sure I'm next. Table closest by the door – easy in, easy out.

"Christopher and Cordelia."

I feel a quick shock of surprise, but I move forward and take my seat. I can feel the heat coming from his body. He turns to look at me, and I can't help my eyes from darting to his. Mrs. Swift is trying to kill me. That's the only explanation.

When the last table, Nora and Rachel, are seated, Mrs. Swift goes back to the front of the room. "We're going to watch the first part of a great documentary I saw over the summer. What we don't get through today, we'll finish later in the semester."

The lights go off, and the TV clicks on. I close my notebook and lean back in my chair with a sigh. I'd rather be at home.

Well, that's not true. I'd just rather be anywhere else.

We never should have gone away for the summer.

A while into the documentary, Chris turns to me. I try to keep my eyes on the screen, but I turn to him. "What?" I whisper.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I look away from him. I feel…odd. I was fine this morning, until Christina and I were on our way to school and she said –

"What are you guys doing after graduation?" I question softly.

"What?"

I wait a moment. I'm not sure if he's confused by my question or has actually not heard me. He doesn't answer, and I hope it's because he doesn't know what he's doing. If he knows, or any of the others know, and I'm the only one unsure, I'm going to feel awful. How did I get this far without considering my options? How can I be so focused on _after_ graduation that I never thought of actually doing something?

The very thought makes it feel like my heart has stopped.

"We've talked about college," Chris whispers. I feel sick. Why did I even ask? What is wrong with me?

The TV clicks off and I close my eyes before Mrs. Swift can turn the lights on. I still flinch when they're turned on. She's talking, but I can't concentrate. I open my eyes and glance at the clock.

The bell rings. I grab my stuff and leave the room as fast as I can. I can't go to my locker, so I go to the bathroom.

I hug my books to my chest and try to push down this almost overwhelming sense of panic that is struggling to take over. I shut my eyes tight and pray I don't start to cry.

I don't know how much time passes, but when I finally find the courage to leave the bathroom, the hallways are completely empty. I grab what I need from my locker and head home.

The streets are practically empty, giving the town a strange, isolated feel. I walk quickly. I just want to get home. I don't even feel like going to the bridge. I just need to get home.

Mom is passing the front door when I get there. She's holding one of her small suitcases. When she hears me shut the door behind me, she turns. "Your cousin Carly just had her baby-" baby? How many people in my family are expecting children? And why do they have to go? What is so special about a baby? "We're going out to visit her and your Aunt Annie tomorrow. We should be back by Monday."

That's almost a week? What the hell is so special about Carly and her baby that's making them go away for a whole week? That's insane to me.

"Okay."

She grabs what she needs and turns back for the stairs. Despite the fact I know this is an awful time to ask, I still call to her. "Mom?"

She turns around. "Yes, Cordelia?" she asks after a deep sigh.

"When…when you get back, can we talk about college?"

Mom laughs, and it hits a deep nerve. It's not an angry nerve, it's more shock, hurt maybe. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"Well, what am I going to do after graduation?" I ask slowly.

Mom raises an eyebrow. I'm annoying her. I should have kept my mouth shut. "Don't be ridiculous. You'll stay here until you settle down. You don't need to go to-"

"But I want to!" I interrupt.

Mom takes a step forward. "You are staying here," she says in a low voice. Her eyes flash with anger, and I almost take a step away from her. "And we are not discussing it again."

"You're being unfair," I tell her without thinking. My throat feels tight. I've just been an emotional wreck today, haven't I?

"We are not discussing this again," she repeats before brushing past me and climbing the stairs quickly.

I stare after her, until the pressure becomes too much and I start to cry. I try to push the thoughts out of my head as I hurry up the stairs and go into my room.

Today could not have been worse.

* * *

 **you're gonna like the next chapter**


	34. Chapter 34

**everybody loves angst, right?**

* * *

 _Heart beats fast  
_ _Colors and promises  
_ _How to be brave?  
_ _How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?  
_ _-Christina Perri, A Thousand Years_

I spend the next few days quiet. The only plan of escape I had was taken from me, and now all I can think about is after graduation. I'm walking around with a huge ball of fear in me, and no one notices.

Chris tries to talk to me during Chemistry, but I don't respond. I can't. Every time I open my mouth, I feel worse. Like maybe I should start keeping to myself, to spare everyone the pain of being around me.

By Friday, I want to explode. The house being empty and silent is somehow only making things worse, so I leave almost immediately after I get home from school.

I go to the bridge. It helps a little bit, but not the way it usually does. I stand there until the sun is starting to set, sending fire across the sky.

And then I turn, and head for the treehouse. No one will be there, but the idea of going there instead of home is more appealing.

I climb the ladder and see I'm right – it's completely empty. I sit by the window and cross my arms tight. It's obviously tinier than home, but I feel better. The urge to loss control fades the longer I stay.

The sky darkens until it's night. The moon is high, and I can still see the room around me. My butt is numb, so I scoot down until my feet are propped on the wall, my back lying flat against the bench. I wriggle a bit, trying to get some feeling back to my lower half, and eventually it starts to tingle.

My eyes start to feel heavy. I yawn. I think I'm going to stay here tonight. Mom and dad will never know. What's the worst that'll happen?

I close my eyes. A car passes somewhere nearby. I wonder who it is; who is out this late?

When I wake up, it's completely dark. I wait a moment. It takes me a moment to realize I'm still in the treehouse. I rub my I hear banging below me and I sit up quickly. It's getting cold, and I wish I had brought a blanket.

The trapdoor swings open. The person looks up at me and cries out. I reach over and click the small lamp on. The batteries are starting to die, and the lamp flickers accordingly.

"Chris?" I demand, squinting against the light. "What are you doing here?" I ask as he pulls himself up and closes the door behind him.

"I could ask you the same thing," he says. He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He turns and I see the red mark that's spread across his cheek.

I grab his arm and pull him closer. "What happened?" I ask, squinting again to see the mark better.

He pulls himself from me, but sits down on the bench beside me. "Nothing," he says.

"Looks like a whole lot of nothing," I tell him, finding it strange how lighthearted my voice sounds.

He shrugs. I continue to watch him, waiting for him to speak.

The light flickers, but I can see the mark clearly. I'm not stupid; I know exactly what happened, I just want him to tell me. If he does-

"Dad's on a mean streak," is all he says, but it's enough. I was right. I just wish I wasn't.

"I'm sorry," I say softly.

He shrugs again. I pull my legs up to my chest and hold them tightly. I feel stupid being here. Maybe I should leave.

"What are you doing here?" he asks. "It's the middle of the night."

I glance over at him out of the corner of my eye. "I was asleep," I confess. "Mom and dad are out of town, and…I don't know. I needed to get out of the house."

We're quiet again. I still feel like I should leave. This is ridiculous. This is all so ridiculous.

I rest my head on my knees. Chris shifts on the bench beside me. I glance over at him again, and catch him watching me. I feel my face burn and I turn away. Another car goes by outside. Is it the same one from before? Isn't it a little late to be out?

"Are things better?" Chris asks a while later, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

I can't help the laugh that bubbles out of me. "No," I tell him, shaking my head quickly. I drop my legs and turn to him the best I can. "If anything, it's worse; not only do I have you all taking me back like nothing happened, I have to keep it a secret." I pause. "I'd rather get sent away. At least then I wouldn't be a liar."

Chris shakes his head at my words. "You should have said something sooner," he tells me. "But we're glad you're back."

"Well, you guys are idiots."

He slides closer to me, as close as he can get, and then he turns himself slightly, putting his arm up on the back of the bench behind me. We haven't been this close in a long time.

"I'm glad you're here."

I look up at him as my heart starts to pound. I wonder if he can hear it. "Really?" I whisper. My hand finds fabric and I hold it tight. It's his shirt. I don't let go.

He nods. The feelings I've been pushing down start to break free, and I feel tears threatening to fall. I look down, at my hand entangled in the hem of his shirt. His hand finds my shoulder and I look up.

"What's wrong?" he asks quickly, his hand gripping my shoulder tightly. My face is still burning and I look away quickly. I shake my head, because I don't trust my voice. "Cora-"

"How can you forgive me so easily?" I force out, finally finding the strength to look at him.

He looks flustered by my question, but it doesn't stop him from answering, "Isn't it obvious?"

Our hands find each other's. His touch sends sparks up my arm, straight at my heart. Our hands intertwine. I look up at him.

He leans in, and I'm quick to meet him. Our lips touch and I push myself into him. He slides his arm up and twists his hands in my hair. My heart is pounding even harder. I can't wrap my head around the fact that we're here again.

We pull apart slowly, and then all at once. We watch each other for a moment. I start to smile as he leans in again.

* * *

 **was going to write more, but this is a nice place to stop**


	35. Chapter 35

**decided to pick this up almost a year later and finish it**

* * *

 _Lights flash and we'll run for the fences  
_ _Let them say what they want, we won't hear it  
_ _Loose lips sink ships all the damn time  
_ _Not this time.  
_ _-Taylor Swift, I Know Places_

We don't talk about what we're doing; we don't give whatever is happening between us a name, and that makes it so much better. With Chris, there's a freedom I never thought I would feel. It's better than New Jersey. The very idea that something can make me so happy gives me hope that maybe after graduation won't be…the way I planned.

We meet every night at the treehouse. The others never come, except on Saturdays. We don't stay long. We both have mountains of homework, but we take whatever time we can get, just to be near each other.

Chemistry is almost torture, and I wonder if Mrs. Swift knows how she's killing us. It would be easier if we were on opposite sides of the room.

"Are you listening?" Chris asks, nudging me gently with his elbow.

I look over at the paper he's holding, trying to get my mind off the thought that I just want to kiss him again.

"What is it?" I ask, taking the paper from him.

"It's my application," he tells me. He runs his hand through his hair quickly. It's getting too long. He'll have to cut it soon. "For the University of Oregon."

I make a noise with my throat so I don't have to answer. The strange mix of anger, jealousy and longing hit, as it always does when Chris, or Gordie, or anyone else talks about their college application. The very thought of mom putting her foot down so severely makes my chest hurt.

"I think it's done," he says. "I'm going to mail it on my way home."

I try to smile. "Good. How many is that now?"

He pauses. "Six, I think."

"You'll need at least one more," I tell him. He looks over at me, eyebrows furrowed. "Lucky number seven," I remind him.

He smiles. "You're right." He leans over and kisses me, and I try to forget about the papers in his hand.

But, as it turns out, I can't. The entire walk home, I think about them. I think about all the papers my classmates have been sending in. I think about mom, and her refusal to talk to me about it.

By the time I get home, I decide to try again. I find her in the kitchen, at the table. She hasn't spoken to me in days, but when she finally realizes I'm in the doorway, she jumps a little in her chair. "Cordelia, you frightened me," she says. She stirs her cup of tea.

"Christina sent in two of her college applications today," I tell her. Technically, Christina sent them last week, but I don't feel bad for lying.

"Did she?" mom says, not giving me her full attention.

"She did," I say slowly. I ball my hands into fists, my nails digging into my palms. "She said I probably still have time."

"Time?" mom repeats.

"To apply to college."

Mom is on her feet faster than I would have thought possible. I take a step back as she comes forward. "I told you," she starts, her voice low. "We are not discussing this."

"We have to!" I shout. "I can't stay here," I tell her, and the rest of the confession is on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it back. "I have to do something with my life."

"Maybe we would have considered this if you wouldn't have been so untrustworthy."

"What?" I demand. "You can't be serious!"

"Cordelia, go to your room."

I grit my teeth. "No," I tell her. "After graduation-"

Her hand is up and the pain spreads across my cheek before I realize what's happening. I raise my hand to my face as the pain creeps both up my cheek and down my jawline.

"Go to bed," she says again, even lower.

After a moment, I force myself to step away and go upstairs. It's for the best anyway, I won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

I want to talk to Chris. I want to tell him what's happened, but I know I can't. I know I can't call him, and for a reason I can't explain, I feel a sharp stab of embarrassment when I think of telling him. Maybe I should have backed off when mom said to. After all this time, I should have known not to push her.

When will I learn?

Instead of calling him or leaving and heading back to the treehouse or the bridge, I change into my pajamas and focus on the next chapter in my chemistry textbook, and I let myself get lost in the problems at the end – the problems that have easy solutions.

The next morning, I'm relieved to see there's no bruise. I don't know why I was worried. It's not like mom threw a punch, but I'm relieved nonetheless. And when I see Chris in the hallway between classes, that sharp stab of embarrassment hits me and I have to look away.

* * *

 **what am I doing here, honestly?**


	36. Chapter 36

**Cordelia needs to learn to speak up**

* * *

 _You're the only one I turn to  
_ _When I feel like no one's there  
_ _And when I'm lonely in my darkest hour  
_ _You give me the power  
_ _To sit and pretend  
_ _-Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Damn Regret_

I make excuses all week. To Chris, to Christina, to mom. I can't bear being around anything of them. I realize I'm tired of lying. Why am I _always_ lying?

Mom won't talk to me, so it's almost easy avoiding her. The few times I've tried to talk to her, she either ignores me or snaps at me. I want desperately for dad to step in, to make things better, but he stays silent. I think he's trying to avoid a fight, but it's making things even worse. It's easier to just stay in my room.

I want to see Chris, but still, every time I see him, I feel a strange combination of longing and guilt. He tries to talk to me in class, but I can't make myself respond. I don't know why I'm doing this to him. He's been so happy recently, and I'm ruining it.

I shake my head. I should be studying, but I can't focus. Add that to the list of things I find myself unable to do this week.

I stand up and grab a jacket from the closet. I have to leave. My room feels too small; the house feels too small. I can't stand it.

No one says anything to me as I slip out the front door. The sun is starting to set, so I figure I have twenty, maybe thirtys minutes before it's set completely and I have to be home.

I try telling myself to head for the treehouse, but instead I go to the bridge. Without hesitation, I walk across it halfway. I run my hands over the rail, and pick at a splinter of wood sticking up.

"Knew you'd show up eventually."

I turn at the voice, and I'm not remotely surprised to see Chris at the end of the bridge.

"I'm sorry," I tell him without pause.

"Are you leaving?" he asks. I think he's trying to joke, but knowing what he knows, maybe he's not.

I shake my head as I turn to him. "This week has been terrible," I confess.

He shrugs. "I wouldn't know," he tells me. "You've stopped coming to the treehouse." I look down as he pauses. "What's going on?"

"It's stupid," I tell him.

I hear his footsteps, but I still jump when he reaches out for my arm. "I doubt it."

I swallow hard and look up at him. "I tried to talk to mom again," I tell him. "It didn't go well."

"What happened?"

I shake my head, trying to get my thoughts in order. "She yelled, and then I yelled, and then she, she…hit me."

Chris' hand tightens almost painfully around my arm, and I try to tell myself that it doesn't feel good even though it does.

"What?" he asks in a flat voice, making it sound like a statement and not a question.

"Please don't make me say it again."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demands.

"I was embarrassed."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" I tell him, gesturing my arms out of his grip. "I don't know, but I was. I still am. I never thought she would, and it happened so quickly I didn't even realize it at first."

"You should have told me," he repeats, his voice a bit softer.

I watch him for a moment before I throw my arms around him and hold him close. He wraps his arms around me tightly and we don't say anything else. I don't know what it is, keeping me here with him, but I never want to let go.

But with every minute, the sun sinks lower and I know I have to leave. I pull away from him, but he pulls me close and kisses me quickly.

"Don't keep secrets like that, okay?" he asks, smiling. My heart starts to pound as I nod.

I never want to leave, but in the end, I have to and I force myself to walk back home. And as I lay down for bed, I feel another stab of embarrassment because I should have known I could tell him. I don't know what exactly Chris is to me, but he's at least my best friend. I should have known I could tell him.

And this time, when I think _I just have to make it to graduation_ , I don't feel sick. For the first time in a long time, I can see a different future for myself, and it's with Chris.

When I wake up a few weeks later, I check the calendar in the kitchen as I'm leaving for school.

There's only thirty-six days until graduation.

* * *

 **these chapters aren't as long as they used to be, and I'm sorry about that**


	37. Chapter 37

**Chris and Cordelia's song is** _ **Tunnels**_ **by Arcade Fire; that's something I just decided.**

* * *

 _Ask me once and I'll leave  
_ _Everything for you  
_ _Just say the word  
_ _You'll see  
_ _You'll stay with me  
_ _I wait every single moment  
_ _Of every day, just to see your face  
_ _Why can't they let us be?  
_ _-Mitchel Musso ft. Katelyn Tarver, Us Against the World_

 **Saturday – 34 Days Until Graduation**

I'm at the treehouse when Gordie comes rushing in, holding a ripped envelope tightly in his hands. His hair is wild and his breathing is heavy and it's obvious that he's run here from his house.

"I got in!" he says, loudly, the sound echoing off the walls. Teddy yells, and Vern follows closely. Chris grins and slaps his back, but I see the guilty look of jealousy behind his eyes. He hasn't gotten any letters yet, acceptance or otherwise, and I know he's feeling anxious over it.

Gordie turns to me, and I hug him tightly. I try to be happy for him, but there's jealousy boiling deep within me as well. I glance at Chris over Gordie's shoulder and our eyes lock. He nods once, and I try to hold down the smile that wants to burst out.

That night, after the others leave, Chris sits close to me and pulls me towards him. The sun is beginning to set, so we don't have a lot of time before I have to be home, but I press my lips to his and push myself closer to him. My hands dip down, under his shirt and feel the warmth of the skin on his back. His hand snakes around my neck as we pull apart. I lower one of my hands to his chest, and feel his heart pounding beneath my fingers. I curl my hand around the fabric and tilt my face up to catch his again.

I don't get home until after dark, but neither mom nor dad says anything as I pass them on the way to my room.

 **Saturday – 27 Days Until Graduation**

A week later, it's Chris that brings an envelope to the treehouse, and it's his voice that says, "I got in," but it's not with the same power as Gordie. It's more of disbelief. Teddy and Vern still shout out in congratulations, and Gordie gives him some skin. I try to look happy, but even I know I'm failing.

I knew he was going to get in somewhere, and I still can't force myself to pretend that I'm happy. I lean into him the way I know I should, and listen to him talk about the different packets of information. He and Gordie talk about what they'll study.

I clench my hand into a fist and feel slightly relaxed as my nails dig deep into my palm. It's too small here, and I'm desperate to leave, but I can't without it looking suspicious.

But here I am, celebrating the fact that Chris is going to leave. It's like our previous conversations don't matter to him anymore. He should know how this is affecting me, but he keeps talking about finally getting out of Castle Rock.

A while later, just before the sun starts to set, Vern leaves. I take the opportunity to also leave, telling Chris that I can't be out after dark again, not after last night. Teddy hollers something disgusting, but Chris just smiles and nods and somehow doesn't see that I'm seconds from falling apart.

When I hit the ground just below the ladder, I already feel a bit better. I can breathe out here; I want to go to the bridge, but I don't. There's no reason that I can't, I just can't bring myself to go.

Maybe this time I'll cross it and leave for good.

I shake my head and head home. There's a burning behind my eyes that I think is just exhaustion, but I quickly realize it's tears because as soon as I'm in the bathroom at home, they come without warning. It's not fair. I want to leave too.

 _I just have to make it to graduation._

 **Saturday – 20 Days Until Graduation**

I don't go to the treehouse the following Saturday. Instead, I stay inside and do the homework that's still being assigned despite the fact graduation is less than a month away. It's pointless to do it, but my mind is focused on obscure French verbs and significant figures and not on Chris or Gordie or Castle Rock, and I can breathe.

Mom pokes her head in, once around midday, and asks if I need anything. I tell her I'm fine, just trying to finish my work before dinner. She smiles, and it takes me a moment to realize it reaches her eyes before she leaves. Does she think I'm trying to make her happy? Is she really so blind that she can't see how I'm feeling?

Instead, I go back to my work and let it force the other thoughts out.

 **Monday – 18 Days Until Graduation**

Monday morning, I meet Christina. Apparently, she doesn't have choir anymore, and I'm almost grateful for her presence. She's talking about all the things she's excited for and I try to go along with it. I try to be Cordelia, the girl that was agreeable and okay and good at pretending, but I'm just Cora. I bite my lip hard to keep myself in the moment, and it surprisingly works.

The day passes surprising fast, considering how desperate I am to get home. I spend the day trying to force myself into being Cordelia, but I can't. I can't even figure out how I did it the first time. I must have been desperate – more desperate than I am now.

Chris doesn't try to talk to me during Chemistry, but I see him glance over at me more than he usually does. After the talk we had a couple weeks ago, I should just tell him how I feel. _But I already did_ , I remind myself.

So, instead of looking back at him, I keep my eyes on Mrs. Swift and pretend I'm interested in whatever it is she's talking about.

I consider skipping Study Hall and hiding in the bathroom, but Mr. Lester is obsessive about attendance, and I don't want to deal with that added stress of him sending someone to find me, so I slide into my usual seat and open my English textbook and force myself to focus on it.

I jump when a crumpled ball lands on my book. I glance up. No one is looking at me. I turn in my chair and see Gordie in the seat behind me, staring intently down at the book in front of him.

Too intently.

I turn back and straighten the paper. His messy handwriting is taking up the top half of the page.

 _What is going on with you?_

I grab my pencil and write my response quickly, tossing it over my shoulder without looking.

 _What do you mean? I'm fine._

I hear him scoff from behind me and I turn, after throwing a quick glance at Mr. Lester. He's almost as strict about silence as he is on attendance.

"What?" I whisper softly.

"I thought you agreed not to lie to me," he responds, leaning forward on his desk, closing the space between us slightly.

"I-" I stop. He's right. It's probably easier if I keep pretending, but I can't. I could barely make it a couple days, I can't make it a couple weeks.

"You don't have to talk to me," he says. His eyes dart over my shoulder, surely in the direction of Mr. Lester, but his eyes come back to mine quickly. "But maybe you should talk to Chris."

I turn around without responding. I hate it when he's right.

 **Tuesday – 17 Days Until Graduation**

I don't get to talk to Chris until the following day. I'm sure if I had gone to the treehouse, or the bridge, I could have found him, but instead I went home and crawled into bed. Sometimes pretending everything is okay is easier than dealing with it.

But Chris is at my locker at the end of the day. I had waited an extra ten minutes in the bathroom, because I really didn't want to run into anyone on my way home. But he's there, leaning against my locker like he's done it a hundred times; like it's a second nature. I feel a longing for him. I want to go to the treehouse and forget about everything that's happened. I just want to be with him, but when he looks up and sees me watching him, I realize that's not bound to happen.

"I thought maybe you'd just gone home," he says, side-stepping away from my locker as I get close.

"Just waiting out the rush," I tell him.

There's a pause, and I focus on turning the lock and popping it open. I grab my bag and Chris moves towards me, putting his hand on my arm. "What's wrong?" he asks.

I turn to him sharply, surprised we've already reached this conversation. "What?" I ask, because my mind has suddenly gone blank.

"You've been weird," he says flatly.

I almost laugh at his words. "I'm fine," I tell him; my automatic response for when things are too much.

"Don't do that," he says quickly, cutting through my bullshit. "Don't lie to me," he adds, and it almost sounds like he's begging.

"Chris," I start.

"Talk to me," he says. He leans towards me. I turn to him and grip the hem of his jacket. Why is he even wearing a jacket? It's too warm for it.

"You got accepted to the University of Oregon," I force out, staring at the button on his jacket so I don't look up at him.

"I know," he says slowly. "I told you that last week."

"You're getting out of Castle Rock and I'm jealous."

His hand cups my cheek and then I'm looking up at him. "Cora," he starts, but doesn't finish. I push myself up on my toes and kiss him. I don't want to hear what he has to say. I'm not ready for it. I just want him; I want to be close to him.

His hand holds my cheek tighter as he responds, leaning down to me. He presses his forehead to mine and pulls away slightly, and I find myself chasing after his lips.

"Come with me," he whispers.

My eyes widen. "I can't," I tell him. "I didn't get in…I didn't apply."

"I don't care. I want you to come with me." His lips find mine and I'm falling back to the lockers behind us. I pull him closer, because I can't think of an answer.

Chris is the one to finally pull away, his lips red, and easily tugging up into a smile. "Think about it?" he asks, and I nod, because I can't think of anything right now.

Maybe I do have a chance after all.

When I wake up the next day, I have to double check the calendar in the kitchen as I'm leaving for school.

There's only sixteen days until graduation.

* * *

 **this chapter is all over the place and I'm sorry for that; it's also in the wrap-up stages, only a few chapters left**


	38. Chapter 38

**very short chapter – let's call it bite-sized, shall we?**

* * *

 _I guess I thought that this would never end  
_ _And suddenly it's like we're women and men  
_ _Will the past be a shadow that will follow us around?  
_ _Will these memories fade when I leave this town?  
_ _-Vitamin C, Graduation_

Graduation comes faster than I'm expecting, and a part of that is Chris. He knows, he remembers what I've said and he does whatever he can to not talk about it. Or about leaving for university. And somehow, it works, because suddenly I'm putting on my graduation gown in a room that suddenly feels too small, and it's a surprise.

The last few weeks have been nice. I let Chris take my mind off everything except him when we're together. Now that we don't have to worry about homework and tests, we're free to spend every day at the treehouse until the sun starts to set and I'm forced to pull myself away from him and go home, where mom is acting like nothing happened in the last few months. Her smiles are genuine, and I don't think about leaving. Chris doesn't ask me about it again, and it's probably for the best, because even though I promised I would think about it, I haven't.

Everybody in town shows up to the event, just as they do every year. Mom has her hand placed firmly on my back, and she weaves us through the crowd, stopping to talk to people, and I let her talk for me without arguing. There's a pressure building behind my eyes and any moment I feel like I'm going to cry, and I can't exactly put my finger on why. Maybe it's because I've waited for this day for so long, counted down for years, and here it is, and I don't know what I'm going to do.

In the crowd of people, I manage to spot Chris, standing with Gordie and his parents, Chris' own parents nowhere to be seen. I'm not surprised.

He doesn't see me, and I look away before our eyes catch. I'd never be able to explain the smile to mom.

"We'll call you!" Judy or Joyce calls through the crowd as our families separate us. The others said the same, but I know it's not true. They won't call, and if they do, I won't answer. Our friendship was built out of necessity, and now that we won't be seeing each other every day, I can't imagine they'd want to stay in contact with me.

I haven't exactly been a good friend.

People are leaving for home, but mom is still talking to a group of ladies from her church group, and I stand and listen, smiling and nodding at the right times, saying the right things, so everything stays okay.

I want to go to the treehouse. I know Chris will be there. We didn't make plans for it, not tonight, but I know if I go, he'll be there. But mom won't let me leave. She won't stop talking, and apparently, we're going to the Palmers for dinner. Roy has long given up on me, but I can't find a way to leave. Mom is smiling and it's reaching her eyes, and I feel guilty for wanting to take that away.

I glance around at the people who are left. I recognize them of course, but none of them are Chris, or Gordie, or even Teddy or Vern. I don't spot the girls, and the feeling of being utterly alone hits me hard. I grip my gown tightly in my hand and struggle to keep the smile on my face.

 _I made it to graduation._

* * *

 **honestly, I felt this was important, but it didn't feel right at the end of the last chapter or the beginning of the next one**


	39. Chapter 39

_**snaps**_ **, last chapter**

* * *

 _I gotta keep the calm before the storm  
_ _I don't want less, I don't want more  
_ _Must bar the windows and the doors  
_ _To keep me safe, to keep me warm_

The yelling has stopped, but the silence that follows is louder. I can hear pots banging in the kitchen below me, and my mind is screaming for me to leave, but I'm frozen on my bed. My fists are tight, and my nails are digging into my palms, but it's not enough.

I don't know why I tried again. I don't know why I thought anything would be different. Maybe it's because I'm running out of time. Gordie is leaving in a couple weeks, and Chris soon after him.

I tried to talk to mom again; tried to explain about late submissions, or December entrances, but she refused to listen. She drowned out the sound of my voice with hers, and honestly, it almost feels easier to give up.

I made it to graduation, what am I waiting for?

I know why I can't follow through. Chris, and Gordie, and Christina, and the people I let get too close. If I had just stayed on my own, none of this would have happened.

My heart aches at the thought of Chris, who I haven't seen in days. I know he'd be at the treehouse, if only I could force myself to go.

I run my eyes roughly with the heels of my palms and stand. I can't stay here. I can't stay in this room, this house, this town. I will do something terrible if I have to stay here. I have trouble breathing with people around, how suffocated will I feel if I'm all alone, except for my parents and their friends?

I'd rather take the bridge out of town.

I grab my jacket and hurry down the stairs. No one says anything as I open the front door and slam it behind me. Maybe mom is wishing she had really sent me off all those summers ago. How much of this would be different?

The air is cold, despite the fact that it's June and I'm grateful I grabbed a jacket. I pull it tighter around me as I head for the treehouse. I have a moment of doubt – maybe he won't be there, but when I get closer, I see the lantern on through the window and I let out the breath I was holding. I guess I know him better than I thought I did.

I open the trapdoor and our eyes lock. I hurry up the last few steps and throw myself at him. I'm desperate to forget everything, and he's the perfect distraction. He accepts me without a word. Our lips meet a bit roughly, but I just push myself into him more. His hands tangle in my hair as he pulls me impossibly close.

I force myself to pull away from him for just a moment. "I'm coming with you," I whisper against his lips.

Chris smiles as his hands run down my arms and wrap tightly around my waist. "Good," he whispers before pulling me back to him.

 _My life is what I'm fighting for  
_ _Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore  
_ _And my voice becomes the driving force  
_ _I won't let this pull me overboard_

We leave in seventeen days, and we have no idea what we're going to do. Chris has applied for on campus housing, but since I'm not a student, I can't apply myself. I force myself not to think about it, because I'm leaving. I'm leaving, and I'm going to be with someone who wants to be with me; someone who isn't constantly bothered by my presence, and it feels amazing.

Gordie leaves when we have eight days left in Castle Rock. We stand on the sidewalk outside his house; his mother is in the car while his father finishes packing the trunk. I hold Gordie close. I try to thank him for everything, but it comes out a mess of sounds, but he holds me tightly, and I know he understands.

Mom doesn't speak when I get home. I go up to my room. I'm not taking much with me, and everything I've packed is at the treehouse. Only my clothes and daily toiletries are left. Eight days is too many, and every moment feels too long.

The silence doesn't bother me, because I know that soon I won't have to experience it ever again.

 _So, pull me up from down below  
_ _Cause I'm underneath the undertow  
_ _Come dry me off and hold me close  
_ _I need you now, I need you most_

The sun is beginning to rise as Chris puts the last of our bags in the backseat of his beat-up car, bought second (or third, or fourth) hand just a few days ago. If it makes it the whole way, I'll be shocked.

I close my eyes when we pass the town line. Chris takes my hand tightly in his, and when I open my eyes, we're on the other side of the bridge and the town is behind us. I don't turn, I don't glance in the mirrors. I don't want to remember it. I don't want any lasting memories of it at all. Remembering the people will be enough, maybe even too much.

We don't talk; there's entirely too much to say, but we don't say a word. I just hold his hand as tightly as I can as we get further and further from Castle Rock. I don't know what's going to happen, but it finally feels like everything is going to change for the better.

 _God, keep my head above water  
_ _I lose my breath at the bottom  
_ _Come rescue me, I'll be waiting  
_ _I'm too young to fall asleep  
_ _-Avril Lavigne, Head Above Water_

* * *

 **we all know what happens to Chris, so whatever you think happens to Cora afterwards is up to you. but if you think the bad thing –**

 _ **maybe you're right**_


End file.
